threesome *warning explicit content* - chapter 1

you get home from work early and walk up the stairs to find me laid on the bed in a tight black corset and frilly black panties that are stretched tightly around my ass. you can see through the doorway that i'm not alone. you hear moans of pleasure, it's obvious another woman is in the room with me. we've talked about the idea of a threesome for a while but you didn't think i'd actually take it past the fantasy and do it. we were waiting to surprise you when you got in from work but got a little carried away, i love the touch of her soft body... i've known about my bisexuality for a while, but i've never really acted upon it, until now. 

it all started with a kiss, we felt the stickiness of our lip glosses collide and could taste each other well before me locked tongues. you open the door then and see her, a pretty blonde with a mischievous look on her face. her legs are spread on the bed and from where you're sat you have a clear view up her long tanned legs to her pussy which glistens with moistness. she's clearly dripping with anticipation of the night to come. 

we see you then, my face lights up like it always does when you come home. you see that devilish look in my eye as i open up a bag of sex toys that is laying at the side of the bed and take a thin pink vibrator out and turn it on. i get on my knees on the bed, sluttily spreading my legs for you. i reach around my panties to pull them to the side and plunge the vibrator inside me, letting out a moan. you can see the pleasure on my face. i take the vibrator out, its so moist now, no lube necessary, and i plunge it into the sexy blonde whilst at the same time kissing her and reaching into her bra to rub her nipples. 

i havent forgot you though. i always give you a kiss when you get in from work, tonight will just be a little different. with a moan from her i pull out the dripping dildo and greedily start sucking it, making sure  i lick every last drop clean off the plastic. she tastes so sweet, or maybe that was me, our wetness has blended together on my tongue. you're already hard by this point, i can see your jeans straining against the swelling of your huge cock.  flirtatiously i climb off the bed and walk towards you, cheekily adjusting my panties back into position so you can't see my lips. as i come closer to you you meet me halfway and i kiss you, passionately, you rape my tongue in your mouth, savouring every drop as you suck clean our juices from my mouth.  

whilst we're kissing i work my hands down your body from lovingly playing with your hair, to feeling your smooth chest, to unfastening your pants. i reach inside your boxers. you're so fucking huge i can't control myself, i have to put my hand around you, gently i feel your girth and a naughty look crosses my face, i know you'll be stretching my tight pussy so much tonight, i moan in anticipation.

the blonde wants to hold your cock too, but i won't let her, you're my man. the thought of another woman touching what's mine makes me jealous as hell. you look pleadingly at me, i can see you want to taste her. she looks to edible laid on the bed with that glistening moist pussy. you can see the disapproving look in my eyes, and i tell you "no". you dont like being told no. you want to put me back in my place so you grab me by the arm suddenly and tightly. it hurts me and i whimper a bit in pain. 

you forcefully push me towards the wall, violently ripping my panties from under me and setting my tits free from the corset that was confining them. you snarl at me "no slut tells me what to do" and you throw me at the wall, banging my head on the plaster and catching my arm on a loose nail in the wall which draws blood. i love it rough, and seductively i lick the blood off my arm. this drives you crazy, you take it as an act of disobedience. forcefully you spread my legs, i'm protesting by now, telling you to stop, but it only spurs you on. you reach inside my tight pussy with 3 fingers and feel how wet i am. you're not gentle and it hurts. you take your dripping fingers out and summon to the blonde to lick them clean. shes a good slut, she doesnt protest. she looks at me bitchily, happy she can please you in some way i can't. it makes me want to tear her hair out. i give her a look of daggers. you catch this and slap me across the face with the same hand she was just licking clean. 

you've decided by now that you need to teach me a lesson.  you liftme up hard against the wall, sinking your hands into my fleshy tits, making me scream, then you force my legs apart yet again and pound your cock inside me with such a fury its hard for me to gather breath. i scream louder, and more violently, but you keep pounding, every thrust forcing my hips into the wall and jarring my body with pain. your cock is so huge inside me it feels as if i've been ripped in two. 

you pull out then, and don't even catch me as i drop to the floor like a used rag doll, a washed up slut who's purpose is fulfilled. you dont look back at me, you've taught me a lesson, and you move onto the blonde, she's been a good girl, you'll be a lot more gentle and giving with her........

disposable.
from your white board life.
erase me.

Sometimes, I get so consumed by depression that it is hard to believe that the whole world doesn't stop and suffer with me.

Told I talked too much
made too much noise

I took up a silent hobby
Bleeding.

it's funny, how someone who is exhausted can simultaneously lust after sleep and also detest it.

night - a brief time, to escape from the thoughts. yet so vulgar and cold are the dreams that haunt my nights.

peace and war. every night. my dreams as bipolar as me.

nothing is harmonious. my cells even split too fast.

one big schism.
one big contradiction.
one big mistake.

Let us be like
Two falling stars in the day sky.

Let no one know of our sublime beauty
As we hold hands
And burn

Into a sacred existence that defies
That surpasses

Every description of ecstasy
And love.

A thousand times I’ve
traced your name on my skin, on
damp windows, summoned.

His voice touches places inside me like someone moving through a house, flicking light switches. ... And even if it was dark and there was shellfire or an arctic gale blowing, I’d still be able to understand him, because our thoughts nestle against each other, like pigeons on a wire....

I don’t just want
your heart
I want your flesh,
your skin
and blood and bones,
your voice, your thoughts
your pulse
and most of all your
fingerprints,
everywhere.

take me away from here.
make me immortal with a kiss.

my suicide attempts (in chronological order)

1. the first time i tried to kill myself i was 5. i drank a bottle of bleach straight from the cupboard under the sink. it burned, that's all i remember really, a burning pain..and my mum finding me vomiting bleach and blood from my stomach and taking me to hospital. i was too young to know what i was doing, but even then i wanted to die.

2. finding dave dead in bed with a gun. putting the gun to my head and pulling the trigger - no bullets. you fucker.

3. starving myself, ending up on an IV drip in psych ward. refusing to eat. being force fed by my hopeless mother. vomiting it back up when she went away.

4. days later, eating the light bulb so the glass would cut my stomach and kill me from the inside. didn't work. i expect the glass is in me somewhere, never felt a thing.

5. 3 lines of cocaine, speed and a bottle of straight vodka. woke up the next day feeling like i'd been run over by a train, fucked someone i really shouldn't have fucked.

6. sleeping pills and paracetamol - stomach pumping, rather droll.

7. wrist slitting - the most recent; a week in psych ward, a diagnosis of bipolar, and packed off with pills and sent on my way.

8. haven't decided yet - no more half assed attempts. jumping from a building; running in front of a lorry; drowning; skydiving and not pulling the parachute. i'll think of something.

is there any point in articulating myself? someone else will have said it better. you may as well read them.

i wish that my words had the power of a scream, the final cry of a girl falling to her death.

i lie here, trapped, in my own thoughts, descending to some dark place where i'm all alone. i can't reach you here. you can't hear me cry. it's just me and the raw total of my pain. i feel my nerves raw and exposed. my life is the abscess that forms around them.

i've got a great ambition to die of exhaustion rather than boredom.
i fear this may come soon.
grey grainy pools of light - where the world should be.
pills to wake me up.
pills to choke on.
pills to help me fall.

the problem with love.

i believe in two versions of love. you're either the kind of person who falls in love using your head, or like me, you love with your heart.

if you love with your head it's rational. it's planned. its meticulous, clean, safe. you control the love, it doesn't control you. it's like a dog on a leash, you pull it along at your own pace.

it's your beast. you mould it, create it and make it fit around your life, and if it goes too far you beat it like a blacksmith back into the place that it was meant to be.

love is your bitch. if it works for you at that moment and suits your purposes then it stays. the moment the cost-benefit swings the wrong way you're done. you can flip the switch, erase and discard.

i'm not that person. i love with my heart. i love with my soul. i love with every atom, every breath, every smile, every laugh. i love as if the act of love itself is the antidote to my life. a radiant light that will save me from the darkness. there are countless analogies, but most of all i love like i have nothing to lose.

for me lovemaking is so stormy and theatrical that i tear into my lover, and when i do, i tear holes. sometimes sex is more like fighting than love. we slam each other around. trying to find each other’s souls, knowing they must be in there somewhere, close to our undernourished hearts.

my love is furious. and brave. and loud.

the first time i saw into your heart you touched me and i felt as if the texture of the world had changed, grown warmer but also more expansive. you felt permeable to me and seeped into everything and everything into you.

my lover is my black hole. i want him to devour me.

i hope you're like me, the worst thing in the world is to give yourself away in exchange for not enough love...

my northern star,
how bright you shine for me.
and when all is dark,
you burn through my cosmic negativity,
with purest passion,
to light the road for me,
giving me a destination,
instead of just a journey.


i love you jesse

i feel like an abandoned building. everything decaying, rotten. no-one goes their, they know how unstable it is so they stay away. they see the warning signs hanging outside "do not enter", "hazardous", "enter at your own risk". vicarious liability is a real bitch these days. i give enough warnings.

from the distance it looks like an interesting place, full of antiquities and gargoyled turrets, but up close it's cold and foreboding. some say it's haunted. some say it's just cold and empty. they talk about a girl that used to live their all alone, and how she drove herself insane. they say if you go up there late at night you can still hear her crying, but no-one cared enough to listen.

The heart ruptures, its toxins leach
into the groundwater of blood and neurons.
The muteness of cells is suddenly disrupted;
now they won’t stop chattering, replicating,
and I in my sweaty bed, watching the spider cracks
hover against the ceiling, ignore those cells
as they spin and spin.
Doctors become translators,
tapping a Morse code on my skin, trying to decipher
the language bumping through vessels and bones.
Oh, heartbreak—such a fickle thing.
Heartbreak is a squatter crouched in my kitchen,
its eyes a glittery spark, finger over its mouth,
hushing me,
hushing,
hush.

Remember the high board at the swimming pool? After days of looking up at it you finally climbed the wet steps to the platform. From there, it was higher than ever. There were only two ways down: the steps to defeat or the dive to victory. You stood on the edge, shivering in the hot sun, deathly afraid. At last you leaned too far forward; it was too late for retreat, and you dived. The high board was conquered, and you spent the rest of the day diving. Climbing a thousand high boards, we demolish fear and turn into human beings.

The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanely sensitive. To them a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create—so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, their very breath is cut off...They must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency they are not really alive unless they are creating.

I give you this
one thought to keep.
I am with you still,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken
in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars
That shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone—
I am with you still,
in each new dawn.

death becomes me.

I think there can be no greater suffering than the state of mind I find myself in at present. I am sane enough to know that I am no longer sane. Somewhere, somehow, I am being dragged over a line, a line which never even existed for me until now. It’s I, not someone else, but I, who am crossing that line, and I see no way to stop myself.

I have become, inexplicably, a wandering and completely bewildered stranger in the realm of my emotions. I can no longer find my way back to my familiar and known world where I did dwell once in some harmony with myself. Everyone is one the other side of an impenetrable glass. We can see each other, but we cannot reach each other, and I am stretching out my hand in vain. I am alone and abandoned in the dark, and I am terrified, beyond any understanding, and the not understanding leaves me in a state of paralyzing panic.

I can’t move in any direction.

I am becoming more and more rigid physically. I am afraid that if I turn my head, even a little I will see my horrible terrors and they will overwhelm me. I think I’m being followed—I am running through endless, twisting, pitch-dark tunnels, and I can’t find my way out. There is no light at the end of any turn I take. I can’t turn back. I am being backed into the darkest and last corner of all.

I long to escape from these feelings that I can neither understand nor bear. Where is there a place for me, where can I go, where can I turn, save deeper and deeper into the labyrinth of my poor sick mind?


My mind is dying and I want to die with it.

The pain is too much to bear.

Even my body hurts.

My terrors are crushing me, smothering me. I can’t breathe—I can’t communicate my fears to anyone with any hope that they will be understood. I am locking myself up in a prison of my own making, a horrible, painful prison, to which I have no key.

There is only one escape, and that is death. I plan each day and night how to take my life. It is hard to believe that I, who loved life so much, am planning to kill myself—find myself longing for death. I am obsessed with one desire — to blot out a mind that can harbor and play with such thoughts.

Someone must help me—safe me from myself, for what will become of me?

Depression is the flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair. When it comes, it degrades one’s self and ultimately eclipses the capacity to give or receive affection. It is the aloneness within us made manifest, and it destroys not only connection to others but also the ability to be peacefully alone with oneself.

Mild depression is a gradual and sometimes permanent thing that undermines people the way rust weakens iron … Like physical pain that becomes chronic, it is miserable not so much because it is intolerable in the moment as because it is intolerable to have known it in the moments gone and to look forward only to knowing it in the moments to come.

It is not pleasant to experience decay, to find yourself exposed to the ravages of an almost daily rain, and to know that you are turning into something feeble, that more and more of you will blow off with the first strong wind, making you less and less. Some people accumulate more emotional rust than others. Depression starts out insipid, fogs the days into a dull color, weakens ordinary actions until their clear shapes are obscured by the effort they require, leaves you tired and bored and self-obsessed—but you can get through all that. Not happily, perhaps, but you can get through. No one has ever been able to define the collapse point that marks major depression, but when you get there, there’s not much mistaking it. Major depression is a birth and a death: it is both the new presence of something and the total disappearance of something.

My depression has been a sucking thing that had wrapped itself around me, ugly and more alive than I. It has a life of its own that has bit by bit asphyxiated all of my life out of me. I have moods that I know are not my moods: they belong to the depression… I am compacted and fetal, depleted by this thing that crushes me without holding me. Its tendrils threaten to pulverize my mind and my courage and my stomach, and crack my bones and desiccate my body. It gluttons itself on me when there is nothing left to feed it. I can never kill this vine of depression, and so all I wanted is for it to let me die. But it has taken from me the energy I would need to kill myself, and it will not kill me. If my trunk is rotting, this thing that fed on it was now too strong to let it fall ; it has become an alternative support to what it had destroyed. In the tightest corner of my bed, split and racked by this thing no one else seemed to be able to see, I pray to a God I have never believed in, and I ask for deliverance. I would be happy to die the most painful death, but I am too dumbly lethargic even to conceptualize suicide.

Every second of being alive hurts me.

He burns me
like the Great Fire digesting London,
houses sliding into one another,
ash wafting toward the river;
like witches writhing on the stake,
looking eastward, their eyes searching
the caterwauling ocean.

if he only knew
if he only knew
if he only knew

When you give someone your whole heart and he doesn’t want it, you cannot take it back. It’s gone forever. –Sylvia Plath

seconds. minutes. hours. days.

find what you want and stop at nothing to achieve it.

bleed for it.
cry for it.
lust for it.
die for it.

but never. ever. give up.

we are given one life. it's finite. it will be taken from you when you least expect it, whether that will be silently in your sleep, or screaming as a passenger in my car.

once the clock stops. that's it. you are done. no false starts. no second chances. you either devour the world like a hungry hooker, or you let it devour you.

if you live your life missing bullets you might get shot. but some things are worth dying for.

find that something. and if you have to, be prepared to die for it.

everyone has a talent. what is rare is the courage to follow talent to the dark place where it leads.

find your centre. let it be like the splitting of the atom. explode upon the world.

love letters - you to me.

ate: Sun, 19 Sep 2010 20:18:34 -0700
From: XXXXX@yahoo.com
Subject: Bev, i love you more then anything in this world............
To: XXXXX@hotmail.co.uk

oh my fucking gawd, you make me want to jump up and down like some retarded person on a television show when they just won a million dollars. But i did not win a bunch of money or prize's, i won something that no person could buy or receive as a gift. I have found something that takes people years to find, years to ask them self if what they have is real.i have won something that can really only be found once.i have won something that is so unbelievable i still ask myself how the hell i am so lucky. i won you, your love, something that means the world to me and i intend on keeping and sharing with you until the day that i die.

I know that the distance between us can be intimidating at times, and there are moments that i would want nothing more then to just kiss you, hold your hand or just have some sort of physical contact with you to show you i love you, and i cant. But i know that this is really no problem. Like you said, one year is nothing. Take in the fact that once i am over there, i will be with you for the rest of my life, it really does not seem that long. One year of getting to know more about the woman i love and just getting to know each other better so that when we meet, we wont be completely lost as to who the other person really is... Yea, not a problem at all.

I dunno, i know that you may feel "i'm shallow, i'm not half as intelligent as people think, i can be clingy, needy, bitchy, and sometimes down right mean." But i never see that. call it wishful thinking or whatever but when i talk to you or just hear something you say, i always manage to find something truly beautiful in your words and your voice. I try my hardest to be honest with you and i never want to lie to you, so know that i am telling the truth when i say that i find you to be the perfect woman every man searches for..The woman that kids dream about one day meeting, kissing, having kids, being happy with. And if to no one else, then to me. And i guess since its just me and you in this relationship, my word should mean something to you... You truly are my definition of perfection baby. <3 I hate being at work. I hate being with my family at times. I hate having to go out and shop. I hate when my mother does not cook and i have to go out, even tho i do not like my mom's cooking. I hate doing favors for people that make me get out of the house. I hate so many things for one reason. It takes me away from you. Our time is already to short and is precious. So i try and take advantage of what we have and i do not like when it has to be worse then it has to be... Maybe im greedy or to needy, i don't care. I love you and "our" time means a lot to me and id like to have as much of it as i can. i swear, when i am not with you, at times i just go fucking crazy. My mind just starts going into some panic mode trying to think of something else less painful.. it has never won. Nothing i do can take you out of my mind.. And to be honest, that's not a bad thing. I love thinking about you, it may hurt, but nothing means more to me then you. Im not one to judge the way i am. What you said about me really made me feel happy. i try hard to make people happy and to at least attempt to make them laugh. i guess these last few years have been a little ruff on me.. i have been through a lot of sad periods, periods that i felt like killing myself would not only be my only shot at happiness, but that my family may be better off. Looking back, thinking like that is stupid and selfish. Yes, at times i may feel sad or down, and have a terrible pain deep in my heart, but killing myself would not help in any other way, and would only hurt the ones i loved. And had i gave up i would have never been able to find what i have always been missing. You. You were my cure to happiness and i feel like i took a lethal dose. Cuz i will love you until the day i die. (HOLY FUCK THAT WAS CORNY!) But my point is, with all my moments of sadness and doubtfulness, i try and always cheer people up and make them feel good i guess. I don't want people to ever go through something that i went through, so its the least i can do. And that's not to say that like i have been through so much shit, my life really is not as bad as others, but its not the point. i just want people to be happy. I never really felt like anybody noticed until you. Like you were the person that really "deserved me" And i do not mean that in like a cocky sense, i mean that as in we deserved each other, and no one else. No one really needed me to be the person i am but you, your the one who deserves it. And if i had to put a smile on my face for a million people until the one person who deserved it finally saw it.. then i would... i did. i love you For months, i knew that i loved you. No one made me laugh the way you did. No one could tell me something that made me want to bust out into tears the way your stories did. Not because there sad necessarily, but because of the pain in your heart and soul, it fucking killed me and i could feel some sort of a connection. I hated when i knew you were sad and mad. And you were only a "friend" at the time. Of course i would feel bad when somebody told me something sad and what not, but only when i heard you did i truly feel like i could connect and not only see how much you needed me, but how much i needed you in my life. Imagine waking up everyday, wishing for something truly awful to happen in order for something amazing to happen. When i say that, i am talking about the relationship you were in at the time, and its horrible. Both of you were my best friends, and i was so lonely. I just wanted a chance to make you happy. And at first i said "sure.. i can wait.." Then one month turned to two...then three.... then four..... And you seemed truly happy, and i was happy for you. So i thought that i would let it go. But then, i knew i did not have a Strong crush or anything, i was in love. Because even tho i was happy for you, i wanted more. Again, i may be greedy, but i knew i would wait 10 fucking years if i had to, but you were the woman i wanted to live with, to make my wife, and to have children with.A couple months later, an opportunity arose, and "we" happened. It was so weird that night.. I finally said what i wanted to for months and i weight was lifted, the moments leading up to us saying "i love you" was so amazing, i had such a rush in my blood and i just felt so alive that i was dying.. if that makes sense.. Then when you said it back, i seriously smiled harder then i ever had. The most amazing moment in my entire life.. i will never forget it. Im always here for you when you need me, do not feel afraid to talk to me... for whatever reason. Whatever it is, i want to try and help, and if i cant, then i want to share your pain, i do not like the thought of you carrying all that pain, beating yourself up about it and me being happy. I want to share the pain with you, make it easier to deal with, make you not feel alone, and that there is someone hear, with you to make you feel better, that's all i want to do. Keep your heart, Ill share mine with you as well. The fact is, without you, my heart would be useless. So keep yours, and take mine, you will never be heartless ever again. (You better get your heart back from him, or i will tell him to return it... >.< )

I hate to think about you killing yourself baby, and if u really mean what you said, then damn, i could not be happier then to be with you. You mean to much to me to see you go. Saving you may be the single greatest thing i have ever done, not only for myself, But for the world. You may not see it, but you truly are something special, and one of these days you will do something amazing and be noticed by a mass amount of people. Weather its a book, a movie, or what ever, you will do something incredible, its just up to you for what. Do not ever tell yourself that you are not special, you are and one day you and the world will see it.. i am just lucky to get a sneak peak. Cuz believe me, i know how special you are, and you mean more then anything to me. <33

I have nothing but faith in you baby, i know i may bring up past issues that may make you feel guilty, but im only joking and i will try to not do it as much. I wont lie, yes i may get a bit paranoid at times. But its not because i actually think you are going to go out and do something behind my back or some shit, its only because you mean so much to me that the thought of losing you fucking kills me and at times its only natural to run the "worst case scenario" in your head. I swear that i have faith in you, and when i think like that at times, its only me, not you. If anything, its just a constant reminder of how important you are to me, and make sure i don't do anything stupid for you to be mad at me or whatever. :P haha

Well, i said it once, ill say it again. If i had the chance, i have no doubt that i would ask you to marry me.. i may be young, but i do not feel i am rushing. I know what i want in a woman, i know what makes me happy, i know what is needed to make a relationship successful. And you fill out the application better then any other woman will ever be able to. Id drop on one knee and ask you to be my wife right now, i really would. I am that sure of not only you, but us, And i swear, when the time comes, i will make you feel loved, cared for, protected, needed and everything else every single day. And it wont be because im trying to be nice, it would be because its necessary. i do love you, your so special i feel i have to protect you, and i care so deeply about you that i would always try and show it. I know i am not perfect, but we are, and we will make one hell of a beautiful life for each other, but for our future children as well. i swear to you.

I love you bev. I have always loved you and i will always love you until the day i stop breathing. And if it is like it is in the movies, and my should raises from my body slowly drifting to ether heaven or hell, i will ether join you or wait patiently with my hand open waiting for you, and love you in the after life.

Hope you had a great sleep and feel good, have a great day at work and i will talk to you soon as i can.

I really do love you Bev, with every single piece of my being. You are the one i want to spend the rest of my life with, and you are the only woman i will ever love.

You are my everything, i am your anything. Without you, there is no me.

-Jesse

<333333

love letters- me to you

i love you‏

02:42

i said i'd go to sleep but before i do i want to write you a decent email. its 8pm for you, 1am for me.

it feels like even time is laughing at us sometimes. why does it have to be my morning and your night? why did i have to find the man i want to spend the rest of my life with, and him to be so far away?

when i say that though, i feel so spoilt. because i found you. my one in seven billion. i can't complain in the face of such fortune.

i know i am not perfect, i'm shallow, i'm not half as intelligent as people think, i can be clingy, needy, bitchy, and sometimes down right mean. but i feel like i must have done something right somewhere along the line. because here i am, with you.

i know that we're on the verge of something incredible. the greatest love story ever told. our story. the beginning of the rest of our lives together... and in the scale of things what is one more year as opposed to 60+ years living together for the rest of our days. its nothing.. and it gives us time to get to know each other, and sort our finances out etc.. its time we need.

so i dont begrudge it.

and i dont hate the distance. because if i can feel something pulling me towards you from 1400 miles away then when we meet it will be pure electricity.

when you're not here i find my mind willing to cross an ocean for you. i want to leave everything i have behind and just start afresh with you. i would give up everything for that to happen, and if its necessary i will. i dont need money, i dont need fancy clothes, a nice house or a nice car. i dont even need to be near my family, even though i love my parents so much. i dont need anything in this fucking world except you.

its funny, i always feel like im walking around in the dark fumbling for the light switch, but when im with you you make the lights turn on. everyone else is just like a distant star, you're blinding sunlight. i always felt like that about you btw. and thats why so many people love you, because your personality is so incredible it does the unthinkable, makes people HAPPY. you have a gift in a way i guess, you can bring so much joy into so many people's lives such by being you. i wish i had your way with people.

i have always known there is something deeply special and unique about you. your compassion, your integity, just talking to you i knew there was so much more to you beneath the surface. you're funny and kind, but its not that, its something deeper, its like when im with you i can see your soul so clearly i can reach out and touch it. and its beautiful. its incredible.

i wish i'd told you this when we were friends so you dont just think i'm saying it to be nice. please be sure i'm never deliberately nice to anyone, even you. everything i say is because i feel it. but with you, its like, i feel like you're destined for something. and i dont know what the hell it will be. but theres something so special about you that i've never seen the same in another human being.

i dont believe in anything much. but something is telling me you're the 'one'. and hell, its not telling it, its screaming it. when i'm with you i feel like we're two sides of the same magic. the spell just doesnt work the same with anyone else.

maybe i'm insane, we've only been together 1.5 months, but i know you are the only man i ever want to kiss for the rest of my life.

it's scary, giving your heart to someone, especially when the guy before never gave it back. so i wont give you my heart, ill keep it, you wanted me to anyway. but i will give you everything i am. i'll bear you the very depths of my soul.. i'll let you know me like no-one has known me before. i want you to understand me more than i do myself and in return i want to be everything you need. i want to hold you when you're sad, share your happiness with you, take away your pain.

if you were here and said "baby will you marry me tomorrow?" i'd say "fuck that, marry me today".

in my mind and my heart, the places where it really matters, you are already my soulmate. i don't need a piece of paper to tell me i found true love. i have found the one i want to spend the rest of my life with. i have found the one i want to be the father to my children. i have found the one i would die for. the one who saved my life without even realising it himself.

if it wasn't for you i have no doubt i'd be dead baby. as horrible as that sounds, the way i feel sometimes is just unbearable. but i have you, and you pull me up and make me feel alive. you are the only person who has ever made me doubt being an atheist. because in every other way a godless world makes perfect sense, until i think of you. i honestly feel like if there is a god, he gave you to me to save my life.

you make me want to wake up every morning. you make me want to keep breathing in and out.

everything i am, i owe to you.

without you i'm nothing. with you i'm everything.

you complete me baby.

i love you so much. i hope i can make you feel loved and happy. please never doubt the strength of my love for you. until i am in your arms i just ask you to have faith in me, and i'll have faith in you. this next year will be the hardest of my life, because being apart from you feels like a physical pain in my gut. but it WILL be worth it.

love like ours can survive long distance. i have no doubt that love like ours can survive death.

in every way that matters jesse, i feel like i'm already your wifey,

i will never stop loving you.

yours always,

B

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

people, as a rule, are a disappointment.

they look but they do not see.
they take but they do not give.
they answer but they do not question.

pathetic. the gormless looks on their subservient faces.
newborn babies that have not yet taken their first breath.
i want to smack life into them.

ignorance isn't a reality, it's a choice.

manic ideas

confusion compounds my sentiments. the zenith of my day rises to its close at 3am.

within me my internal maelstrom rages. malevolence mixed with innocence.

thoughts rattle my mind like an angry child shaking a bird cage. i can flutter inside the golden bars that confine me, but i cannot escape.

forever trapped.
forever hunted.
the prisoner of thoughts.
the same thoughts that empower me develop into monsters within my mind.
the thoughts i create break out of my laboratory, mix with the air and take on their own consciousness.
possessed with a fervent and destructive desire far beyond the power of their creator.
brief moments of internal nirvana, my ideas lay before me in perfect clarity. intelligence, passion and love melded into a thought so powerful it no longer needs me, the shell that enabled its inception.
leaving this world with a supernova's light i see only it's afterburn. the orginal is burnt from my mind by the nuclear brightness it leaves behind.
it fades like candy floss melting on a wet tongue.
after the thought, a sense of loss.
like seeing truth. only to later be told it wass just another lie.

i'll fake all the smiles, if it stops all the questions.

lost to eternal longing

it's an amazing feeling, to fall in love. to slowly unwrap the layers so that you see everything at its rawest and most beautiful.

what an incredible night last night was. laughing with friends until my voice was raw; drinking until the world lost its focus and became a parody of itself; inhaling smoke that took me to another world where the air is easier to breathe.

and then there was you. it was as if for one night there was just us. no fuzz, no distractions, with my eyes closed i could sense your presence, there with me. if i could i would meld you to my soul so you never have to leave.

you do to to me what spring does to cherry trees. you started my revolution. you picked me up bruised and broken from the darkest winter and led me to the sun.

together we make our own religion, you are my god. infallible, touchable, tender, cruel, you are whatever i need you to be. like a pilgrim in search of salvation, you began to be irreplaceable for me long before i had heard of you.

lying in bed with you is as if i have shrugged off the world. my passion for you is an eternal fire. consumed by lust and need I greedily beg for your presence. desire - the word even sounds like a moan.

we are bound together like an onion. layer upon layer of understanding. you know what i want, you know what i need. you are my mirror, a perfect reflection of myself in a male body.

although you are 1400 miles away you are tied to me by invisible threads. my need for you is near addiction.

everything in life is uncertain.
except my soul is burning.

oh, and what you asked me last night, if you meant it i would have said yes.

To annihilate the world by annihilation of one’s self is the deluded height of desperate egoism. The simple way out of all the brick dead ends we scratch our nails against.

In the psychological literature, depression is often seen as a defense against sadness. But I’ll take sadness any day. There is no contest. Sadness carries identification. You know where it’s been and you know where it’s headed. Depression carries no papers. It enters your country unannounced and uninvited. Its origins are unknown, but its destination always dead-ends in you.

All their 'helpful' comments imply that if I'd only do_______, my problems would be solved. Like it's all within my grasp, able to be managed and mastered, if only I would try harder, longer, better. As I nod my head in polite and pathetic appreciation for their input, I scream inside, 'Shut up. Shut up. Unless you've been lost in this particular section of hell yourself, don't you dare try to give me directions.

Once again I want to kill something in myself, bleed it out until I am left with the bare, clean baseline, an absolute zero from which point I can rebuild a better version of myself.

there is a gray place
where blackly I in darkness brooded
and wrote upon my ashy bones
hollow lines of wit.

but you, damnit, you
snuck in with a rainbow and tied me up,
led me weeping to a buzzing meadow,
and washed my face with flowers.

Our love has been the thread through the labyrinth, the net under the high-wire walker, the only real thing in this strange life of mine that I could ever trust. Tonight I feel that my love for you has more density in this world than I do, myself: as though it could linger on after me and surround you, keep you, hold you.

Every relationship has at least one really good day. What I mean is, no matter how sour things go, there’s always that day. That day is always in your possession. That’s the day you remember. You get old and you think: well, at least I had that day. It happened once. You think all the variables might just line up again. But they don’t. Not always.

I had that day yesterday, I had that day the day before. Every day with you is better than the last. And i find hoping beyond hope within myself that you can be the one I love forever. But to even think of it as more than a translucent hope scares me.

Nothing is permanent. If I could I would let my love for you burn a hole in time so it echoes down the ages.

For J

You and I
Have so much love,
That it
Burns like a fire,
In which we bake a lump of clay
Molded into a figure of you
And a figure of me.
Then we take both of them,
And break them into pieces,
And mix the pieces with water,
And mold again a figure of you,
And a figure of me.
I am in your clay.
You are in my clay.
In life we share a single quilt.
In death we will share one coffin.

i need to kill something in me, this awful feeling like worms tunneling along my nerves. when i discovered the razor blade, cutting, if you’ll believe me, was my gesture of hope. all the chaos, the sound and fury, the uncertainty and confusion and despair — all of it evaporated in an instant, and i was for that moment grounded, coherent, whole. here is the irreducible self. i drew the line in the sand, marked my body as mine, its flesh and its blood under my command.

they say its not the fall that kills you...
its the sudden stop
and the saddest thing is, i really cant wait
to.hit.the.ground.

i wanted a perfect ending. now i've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, it's about taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

i'm scared. because i feel it, in my veins. inside of me. a dark passenger in my body that manifests itself in bruises and swollen glands. it tries to destroy me once in a while and then it submerges itself, for a week, a month, a year, 5 years. for a while it lies dormant and forgotten, beneath the surface like a well of burning lava, waiting for the next seismic crush to smash through the surface and envelop my world in the next natural disaster.

i feel like hiroshima - the morning after, bathed in the cold nuclear light. my malignant mind stunned by the realisation that there can be no doing back. the future will always be a melee of distorted dna and congential pain.

i cannot take it back.
i cannot undo the dots.
i will always be the fall out.
i will always be the nuclear bomb that went off.
i will always be remembered.

queen b's relationship rules:

1. there shalt be NO mushrooms of the magical variety consumed by MY boyfriend.

2. there shalt be NO saying no to my sexual advances.

3. there shalt be NO cheating with people, animals, children, or family members.

4. there shalt be NO perving on Taylor Swift.

5. there shalt be NO ignoring of Mrs Ortiz.

i love you jesse <3

this is what happiness feels like ---->> :)))))

i love you jesse, never want to forget today!! <3

if i say i'm okay enough times, will i eventually start believing myself?

bipolar

Ideas are moving so fast they’re stumbling over each other and I begin to get this sense of power-power over other people. I begin to feel that what I think and do is of significance to those around me, even to the universe at large. I think of myself as having special insight, as understanding things that others do not, and with a special capacity to lead. I recognize now that these are warning signs.

There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you’re high it’s tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars….But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against--you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable….It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.

i lie here, searching for something intangible beneath my skin. my soul. it occurs to me that i might not have one.

all my life i have felt different from the pack. a lone predator amongst a field of sheep. i do not feel how they feel. i do not know how they feel.

i always said there is no such thing as good or evil. maybe though, there is just no such thing as good or evil for me.

maybe every emotion ive ever expressed is just a desire to feel something in the first place. maybe every cut is an attempt to dig through my skin and find out who i am on the inside.

i am not like you. i'm better. and i wont apologise for that fact. i have given up so much humanity to be this dark goddess that the price for my superiority is indeed my soul.

i tried to be a sheep. i am not a sheep. and i can't hide anymore, i dont want to.

does it even matter that once again I lie in my bed, tears streaming down my face, not wanting to exist?

it isn't the first night. it won't be the last.

even my depression is average nowadays. like me.

i don't want to live a life crippled in the cess pit of mediocrity. i want to set myself on fire, so for one brief moment i light up the world instead of darken it.

my fingers scratch across my wrists, gauging at my skin, desperate to tear apart my veins and end my life.

they look so innocent, my veins. a tree branch frozen in ice. what i want to destroy is much deeper and well hidden. it is my very essence. lurking inside me like a dark fog which i can never exorcise.

self harm is pointless. the only thing that will cure me of me is self-annihilation. i hate my gutlessness. how hard is it really, to kill yourself?

a gun.
a noose.
pills.
a bridge.
drowning.
burning.
suffocation.
poisoning.
car crash.
drugs.
slit wrists.

with so many options i feel like a child in a sweet shop. i want to experience them all. i deserve it. if only i could kill myself twice.

There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.....the sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and Hope.

i love you.

and that is all i have to say. words are superfluous to instinct.

happyhappyhappyhappyhappy

-- Previous Private Message --
Sent by : puertoRICAN
Sent : 03 Sep 2010 at 9:20pm

:D You fuc*king amaze me baby, not a day go's by where i am not completely dumb-founded that i am with you. i always felt like i was just sitting on the side line watching you, asking myself "Why do i feel this way for her... whats so important?" I was just trying to confuse myself into not loving you, so i could stop hurting all the time. But with time, there was no denying, or letting go, your perfect in every way, what i have always looked for in a woman and in NE person. Some1 who completes me, makes me laugh, calls me out on my own bullsh1t, open-minded, fearless, compassionate, understanding, caring, trust-worth and BEAUTIFUL! Your just to amazing to even describe, i can not wait to hold you in my arms, kiss you and tell you how much i love you to your face. 8/16/11

We both have our own lil self-issues about "im not good enuff" i dont deserve you" blah blah blah, but thats not real, each person deserves somebody, some1 who they can completely trust with there life and are willing to spend every single day waking up, talking to, paying bills, enjoying life, going to bed, having a family ext.... And you are that person. No1 will ever fill the space you have taken from my heart, and its a god thing, i will give you my heart, its like collateral, telling you, this is real, it will work, i have complete trust in not only you, but in us, i love you baby!

I wont lie, it scares me to know that we are separated by the ocean and are so far apart, i mean, 90% of the time, people in our situation never can seem to work it out, its only right that i would be scared or worried. BUT, i am absolutely determined to make it work, so thats 50%, and it seems like you want it as bad as i do, so i know that we are both in this for real, and i will not stop untill the day i get off the plane, and be able to call that place my home, and you my future wife! It will be a long process, but looking ahead to the end, it will be more the worth it, i can grantee you that much mami.

***edited so he doesnt kill me for puttign this bit in****


I would give up so much to be with you, nothing means more to me then you. i am still nervous and i guess scared in a way, but i know that when the time comes, it will be be natural and the best day of my life! I mean, meeting the woman i already know i love.... Why am i scared?? lol, just normal i guess. Just like when you sit by the girl you have a crush on in the bus, you know you like her and she likes you, but your completely speechless...... except, i do not have a crush on you... i am completly in love with you... so diff story... :)


I care for you more then i could even describe, your my everything and if NEthing were to happen to you, more then 1 life would be lost. I feel connected to you, and that we both share a pulse. (I hope to god i did not just curse you to be doomed 2marow... D:< )

I love you Bev, if i could go back in time, i would have told you from the start how i felt, what you do to me, and the way you make me feel. your amazing and the most beautiful person i have ever had the pleasure of knowing. <3333

I love my lil princess, more then NEthing in the world.

I am a conglomerate garbage heap of loose ends—selfish, scared, contemplating... going...anywhere, anywhere, where the burden, the terrifying hellish weight of self-responsibility and ultimate self-judgment is lifted. I can see ahead only into dark, sordid alleys, where the dregs, the sludge, the filth of my life lies, unglorified, unchanged—transfigured by nothing: no nobility, not even the illusion of a dream. Reality is what I make it. That is what I have said I believed. Then I look at the hell I am wallowing in, nerves paralyzed, action nullified—fear, envy, hate: all the corrosive emotions of insecurity biting away at my sensitive guts. Time, experience: the colossal wave, sweeping tidal over me, drowning, drowning. How can I ever find that permanence, that continuity with past and future, that communication with other human beings that I crave? Can I ever honestly accept an artificial imposed solution? How can I justify, how can I rationalize the rest of my life away?

I look at other people and I think, “He lives without meds. She does. What is wrong with me? Am I so biochemically screwed up, so neurotic, so narcissistically self-absorbed that every hour is an obstacle course for me?” I don’t know, but this can’t continue. I feel like I am dying. A slow torturous death. And the worst thing is that I’m taking other people along for the ride. But I swear, I don’t know how to do it differently.

I am afraid. Afraid of managing the desolation of each second. Afraid that I won’t make it to the next hour. These feelings are still so alien to me. Time used to be something I loved to play with, to tease, to race. But there is no contest now.

Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern. Just the slow erosion of the self, as insidious as any cancer. And, like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience. A room in hell with only your name on the door. I realize that every person, at some point, takes up residence in one or another of these rooms. But that realization offers no great comfort now.

Depression is not a sudden disaster. It is more like a cancer: At first its tumorous mass is not even noticeable to the careful eye, and then one day—wham!—there is a huge, deadly seven-pound lump lodged in your brain or your stomach or your shoulder blade, and this thing that your own body has produced is actually trying to kill you. Depression is a lot like that: Slowly, over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and mind, a computer program for total negativity will build into your system, making life feel more and more unbearable. But you won’t even notice it coming on, thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getting older, about turning eight or twelve or turning fifteen, and then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live.

journals of madness: tales from the inside pt1

All the romantic nonsense about depression somehow making one into a creature of unique sensibilities is easy to agree with when I feel good. Then I’m sharper, superior for having weathered something terribly difficult, or just plain pleased at having narrowly gotten away with something once again—like the snow day after the night’s homework I didn’t do. All of it stands up in the light, but it’s bullshit in the shadows. I don’t care about unique sensibilities. All I care about is surviving. My goal in life is just to get through the days

Happy yet suicidal

It’s a physical urge, huger and stronger than thirst or sex. Halfway back on the left side of my head there is a spot that yearns, that longs, that pleads for the jolt of a bullet. I want that rage, that fire, that final empty rip. I want to be let out of this dark cavern, to open myself up to the ease of not-living. I am tired of sorrow and struggle and worry. ... I want to turn out the last light.

what things there are to write, if i could only write them! my mind is full of gleaming thought; gay moods and mysterious, moth-like meditations hover in my imagination, fanning their painted wings. but always the rarest, those streaked with azure and the deepest crimson, flutter away beyond my reach.

Blood transforms the warm bath water
and, in it, I see weakly
that this was a mistake.
The razor’s cut is not deep, nevertheless
the blood rushes out happily in the warm
water as if kin to it, the same
tender substance.
Rising
a new person
transformed with an icy
sense of error
I go to the sink and turn on cold water
which is not friendly to blood.
The cut is deeper than imagined.
It hurts.
Splashes on the pale gold tile,
bright red bursts like sunlight,
like exclamation points—Another Error!
I wrap a small towel around my wrist.
A small towel indicates a small error.
Soaked through
the towel’s gold is tarnished.
There is an innocent joy in the blood’s
flow that the towel and I cannot absorb.
Another towel wrapped tight in terror
slows everything down.
On a blue velvet
love seat from which love has wandered I
sit waiting.
I am an angel with an alert backbone.
I am purified from the business
of panic.

the night is my lover, my sweetheart, and if i go out at night, i want my night to have all of these things at once: a sense of occasion, a dramatic plotline, and someone with whom i can share an exquisitely beautiful understanding. but in face, none of my nights out have ever possessed all three of these qualities. i know that somewhere along the line i get lost.

thats why every night when i get home i check my email. email begins at the vanishing point of you, me and the night. my mailbox exists with a fixed protocol, and i know so long as i dont make a mistake, as long as i hit the right keys, the messages will write and be sent out. i can be reasonably certain of this, and i find it deeply satisfying.

i like to tell stories in my emails. if a plot that has me in it is unfinished and has lots of loose ends, i'll add onto it. if none of the stories i'm ever in are beautiful or moving, i'll still go on telling them. if none of the people in my life are adequate or ideal, i still won't give up on my search, even if the best i can do is to find something that resembles those people.

when i transmit a story electronically, i'm weaving memories together between my fingers. if the recipient has come into my thoughts, he will learn what he means to me. even though i may be rather scattered, i still think there's nothing more important than stories. every detail in a story dances because every detail is a fragment. perhaps nothing has been set into motion yet today, but that isn't going to knock me down.

every day i think of you, and every day i wonder. why do you hesitate, all alone?

i don't suppose you're afraid that the sea will rise up in big, stormy waves. if only flowing water could look back. please take me away with you. if flowing water could be changed into me then tears would fall. if i were clear flowing water, i would never look back. time never stops flowing. it passes by, never to return, and the flowers on the tree burst into bloom, the blossoms so beautiful. flowers fade and bloom again, but who can understand?

i'm a star; you, a cloud. was our love too shallow, or was it fate that kept us apart? today you must accept all that lies before you.

don't ask where love comes from. love is like a song or a painted scroll.

i hope you won't forget me.

the wind came to ask me what loneliness is , but i'm too young. what do i know of loneliness? another cloud drifted over and asked me, is love a kind of happiness? but until i understand romance how can i know if it's a kind of joy? how can i know joy when all i've experienced is malice?

Heartbreak Quotes

Heartbreak Quotes

I’ll never escape. It drives me mad. I must must must do something. I feel as if I’m at the earth’s heart. I’ve got the whole weight of the whole earth pressing in on this little box. It grows smaller smaller smaller. I can feel it contracting.
I want to scream sometimes. Till my voice is raw. To death.
I can’t write it. There aren’t the words.
Utter despair.
I’ve been like that all day. A kind of endless panic in slow motion.

One of the worst feelings in the world is loneliness. Sitting in the dark
by yourself in the wee hours of the night gently crying. Nobody knows
what's going on with you. How could anybody realize what's
happening? Everybody you know is resting peacefully in their bed
awaiting the new day tomorrow. But for you, there's no difference in
the days. They pass monotonously. And before you know it, it's all
gone.

It wasn't a suicide attempt, it was an escape from everything awful.
When we cut, we're in control - we make our own pain and we can stop
it whenever we want. Physical pain relieves mental anguish. For a brief
moment, the pain of cutting is the only thing in the cutter's mind, and
when that stops and the other comes back, it is weaker. Drugs do that
too, and sex, but not like cutting. Nothing is like cutting.

is intelligence a curse or a gift?

I don't like standing near the edge of a platform when an express train is passing through. I like to stand right back and if possible get a pillar between me and the train.

I don't like to stand by the side of a ship and look down into the water. A second's action would end everything. A few drops of desperation.

ultra numb.

Turns out you can repress your entire life, but it WILL catch up with you in the end

All alone now. Me and my thoughts. How can I fix me? Do I even want to try?

it's so dark now. and so cold.

i sit here for 15 minutes between each word i write.

as if waiting for some self-actualisation that never comes.

there are no stars in the sky. there is no moon. there is no laughter. there is no gossip. there are no friends. there is nothing to disctract me from feeling.

i dont want to feel. i have spent a lifetime learning not to feel. i do not want to unlearn it.

my earliest emotion was blinding hate. a hatred i held so strongly that it took away the power to speak. it was this hatred that i held so vehemenly and compulsively that rendered me completely unable to feel any other emotion. hatred was my sun, happiness, hope, every other emotion, just stars, too far away to ever touch me. occasionally i would gaze upon them and will them into my life, but i had no more of an ability to make them appear than i could turn back the tides or fly to the moon.

hate blinded me. imagine a 4 year old with a burning desire to kill. i should have been playing with dolls, instead i mutilated them. at school we had to draw pictures of our family for easter project. i drew you trying to kill me. it was the only picture they didn't put on the wall.

i was brought up to belive in god. i prayed every day. i prayed for revenge. i prayed to hurt you as you had hurt me. i prayed not to have the nightmares. it soon became clear to me that if there was a god, he did not like me. i probably lost my religion when i was 5 and my mum found me stabbing jesus's eye's out of the picture version bible with the end of some scissors. his eyes scared me, because they were blue and cold like yours were.

i remember when you died that i was devestated. its funny that that coincided with the time i started cutting my arms and legs. i had no friends at school, i was bald from chemo and the other kids thought i has a disease, noone would have noticed the cutting if i wasnt sick. i remember the doctors telling me that my immune system was so weak from the cancer treatments that cutting myself could give me infections and kill me. they shouldnt have said that really, because it made me hurt myself more. i hacked at my body so bad when i was 13 that they took me away for a while to hospital. it had white walls and angry people. i remember the sound of crying. i thought it was strange because i didnt cry. ever. when i was in the hopsital the nurses realised that every night i smothered myself with a pillow in order to sleep. the funny part was that i didnt realise this was abnormal. i thought everyone pushed their head into their pillow, depriving themselves of air, in order to sleep. afterall, i'd been doing it for the last 8 years. i didnt know HOW to sleep normally.

i felt close to you in the hopsital. i liked it. i liked it because the pain felt exquisitely beautiful and clear. not the dull throb in the back of my head that you are now. i felt like i could reach out and touch you. that you would come back for me. i wanted to take you with me.

as i grew older i grew colder. the fire to kill you dimmed a little. i met dave. a product of a broken home, in his own way as battered and vulnerable as me. i remember laying in his arms and feeling safe. i remember love. after so many years of feeling nothing the dam finally broke and let loose a tidle wave of emotion. it is the way i have always loved from then on. with everything i have.

i have always been scared of losing love. because nothing lasts. i was convinced dave did not love me. i was sure of it. he said he loved me with everything he had. i said he didn't care. i gave him everything i had, but i never was able to feel love. when he killed himself i willed it to be me. i blamed myself, for this wonderful person dying thinking that he could never show me how much he loved me.

i didnt eat. i didnt sleep. i wanted to dissapear. all i had was nirvana. he was kurt. i was courtney. i listened to those CD's to death. they made me cry. after 18 years of not crying i finally cryed. it was liberating. its probably ridiculous to any "normal" person, but crying was a break through. crying was a release. you even took away my tears.

its 20 years since you destroyed my life. its 20 years since you poured the arsnic into my veins. 20 years of pain and hurt and broken hearts.

i am incapable of feeling love. no matter how much i give i can't feel anything back. i make excuses. i run. i destroy everything beautiful that has ever entered my life.

i found love. i found someone fn incredible. i found hope. i found a future. i found a reason.

i destroyed it all. because YOU took something from me that day. you took something from me that i will NEVER get back. you took away the ability for me to feel LOVE! you took away my humanity. you took away my fu cking soul.

ALL THAT'S LEFT OF ME IS A FUCKING SHELL OF A PERSON WHO IS SCREAMING TO BE FREE.

you didnt take my innocence that day. you took it every day for the next 20 years.
you didnt just cut me once. you cut me every day for the next 20 years.
you didnt just destroy your life. you destroyed mine.

there is no going back.
there is no going forward.
this is the cliff. you made me walk it.

i tried.
i tried so fucking hard.
i tried to be normal.
i loved with everything i had.
i tried to be a good person.
as good as i knew how.
i didnt want to die
i wanted a life
i wanted a family
i wanted to feel loved. for the first time in my life i did.
and you took it all away.
i hated you.
but now i realise that the only person i hated
all along wasn't you.
it's me.
i'm the one who destroyed my fucking life.
and i used you as an excuse all along.
you didn't kill me.
i did.

fml............. now i actually have to do it.

I could fill a thousand pages, telling you how I felt and still you would not understand.
So now I leave without a sound,
except that of my heart shattering as it hits the ground.

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mending whole was good as new. What is broken is broken - and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

In reality, I'm slowly losing my mind. Underneath the guise of smile, gradually I'm dying inside. Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly. I don’t want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering. So I wear my disguise till I go home at night and turn down all the lights and then I break down and cry.

its funny as how i wade through life, i already feel like a statistic. i wonder if people just 'know' inside of themselves that they are a suicide waiting to happen.

i am hiroshima.
i am nagasaki.
i am vesuvius.

You might imagine that a person would resort to self-mutilation only under extremes of duress, but once I'd crossed that line the first time, taken that fateful step off the precipice, then almost any reason was a good enough reason, almost any provocation enough. Cutting was my all-purpose solution. My scars ought to be a charm bracelet of memonics, each a permanent reminder of its precipitating event, but maybe the most disturbing thing I can say about the history of my cutting is that for the most part I can't even remember the when’s and the whys behind those wounds. It didn't take much to make me cut. Frustration, humiliation, insecurity, guilt, remorse, loneliness... I cut 'em all out. They were like a poison, caustic and destructive, as though lye had been siphoned into my veins. The only way I could survive them, I thought, was to keep draining them from my blood.

How many cuts could I count? How many could I place in time and context? I had to admit that I couldn't remember the occasion of almost any of them, their catalysts, whether epic or mundane, completely obscured by time. So many moments of supposedly unendurable pain, now utterly forgotten. u start to think, Maybe I don't need this anymore. Maybe I never did I was trying to get equilibrium from two extremes: either I was so upset that I had to cut myself to relieve it, or I was so numb that I had to cut myself to get back to being there.

I take the blade and run it gently against my skin, it cuts in deeper and deeper, the blood bursts out and slowly runs down my arm then it stops and the pain goes away. Cutting doesn't solve anything or take the pain away, but for those few seconds everything is okay...

-------

Do you ever lay in bed at night hoping you wake up in the emergency room and hear the words "shes not going to make it?"

me: 8 days ago you were my friend, now you're my everything

you: you ahave always been my everything. for months i thought you were amazingly perfect. the only person for me. and now i have you. alive again


cant stop smilingggg!

spring

i feel like i've endured the longest winter of my life. days, weeks, months, of impenetrable darkness that has shrouded my vision and left me broken, cold and close to death. there was no reason to wake up the next day, because the next day would be like the one before. painful. dark. sad.

this morning i felt like it was the first day of spring, it was still cold and dark, but there was a smell of hope in the air. a promise of something better. i feeling that something amazing was about to happen before me eyes. that the garden of my life which was so dead and bear would start to blossom and grow.

you are incredible.

out of all the people i have met, i feel me and you have endured the most pain and sadness. for so logn i wanted to comfort you, to make it better. it hurt my heart that i could only be your friend for so long. it was like we were both broken, and all our pieces were smashed across the floor, but now we're helping to put each other back together again.

you are so warm, you are so giving, you give me everything you have and expect nothing back. you know im broken, and cold, and cynical but instead of giving up on me you try to nurture me, and make me better.

i feel so lucky to have you in my life.
i want to come back from hell with you, hand in hand, and one day i want to walk into the sun. no more darkness, no more rain. an eternal summer of love and happiness.

i hope i can make you happy. because without you i wouldn't have picked myself up off the floor.

thank you, for everything you are.

my american boy

its hard giving everything to the one that never wanted it.

it's easy to love you. you love me with everything you've got. you give me everything i need. when i come to you bleeding and broken you clean me up, make me laugh, make me smile, make me whole again.

i will never give up. i will get better, one day i will have something to give back. one day my cuts will heal and i'll be flawless again. when that day comes then i will give you my everything. no-one deserves it more.

thank you for breathing for me when i find it too hard to breathe for myself.
thank you for giving me a reason to live.
thank you for giving me hope.

i will always be undeserving of you. but i will try to be the best person i can be for you. you deserve no less.

thank you for seeing this imperfect person perfectly.
thank you for being you.
ily papi x

life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile.

none should blame you for walking out early.

when life gets impossible they say its time to turn to your hero's. pity all mine are dead.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my eyes and all is born again.Sylvia Plath

I talk to God but the sky is empty.Sylvia Plath

Kiss me and you will see how important I am.Sylvia Plath

You don't even have to hate to have a perfectly miserable time.Elizabeth Wurtzel

If you die you're completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got.Kurt Cobain

I'm not a woman. I'm a force of nature.Courtney Love

When things get too heavy, just call me helium, the lightest known gas to man.Jimi Hendrix

Don't pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches.Andy Warhol

Don't write so that you can be understood, write so that you can't be misunderstood.William Howard Taft

i wonder if i am consciously writing this or if it a product of my delerium. at what point does your brain stop working and your thoughts come straight from your soul onto the page?

sat here listening to one song on repeat. it would have sent me into a downward spiral, but at rock bottom there is nowhere else to go. ive crashed so far down im at the centre of the earth, smashed and scattered like a meteoride. buring in temperatures so hot they will change the essence of me and mark me forever.

i wish i was a better person and that zero was just a number for me rather than a way of life.

zero

i feel stretched, butter that's been spread over too much bread. i dont taste like butter anymore, i taste of bread, i taste of scone, i taste of whatever i am melded to at that moment. but i do not have a taste of my own. i have no identity, except that of which i am attatched to. no-one likes butter on its own, but toast and scones have their own flavour and are just as good without me.

lots of people give up butter. its healthier without me. and they don't miss me. they realise that life without me can be just as fulfilling as life with me.

everyone knows that too much butter is bad for you. so everyone cuts down on the butter and goes for a healthier option, like margerine.

the butter stays in the tub. its cold in the fridge. i don't melt. i dont deteriorate. i just am. but without the scone or the bread i am nothing.

one day you see me at the back of the fridge. the light blinds my eyes. for those first few seconds i'm hopeful.

you reach in, touch me, consider me.....then you see the jam, take it, and shut the door.

no-one likes butter anymore. i'm outdated, irrelevant and waiting for someone to throw me in the bin.

hiding in my room, safe within my womb,
i touch no one and no one touches me.
i am a rock,
i am an island.
and a rock feels no pain;
and an island never cries.

my box is full, those msgs that i never want to forget

- Previous Private Message --
Sent by : puertoRICAN
Sent : 07 Aug 2010 at 9:38pm

:D i make me so happy, just the thought of you being happy with me makes me shake, cuz i could not ask for NEthing more, i have done what i wanted.

i have felt this way so much, like i said, im stupid for dragging it along, but you just mean to much to me.

id rather know you, and live in hell for a year then get rejected and loose someone who means the world to me. i wish i was not so scared. :/

its ok, i have you no and i never intend to let go. your mine, and will always be mine, for as long as we live! XD

Really sucks that people had to get hurt in order for this to happen, but i did not intend it to be that way, and really wish i could have made it diff. :/
i never want you to stop with the jokes, its what you do and i LOVE everything you do. the more corny you are, the more i want to hold you and make you happy.

hahaha!! its okay, i am a giver and i will ive all i got to you baby! im just not sure it will be Enuff but you will get me caught up to speed in no time! <3>

Yea, i will send ya me and foxys PMS when i send it to her, waiting for her to get on! lol, like we both lied so it looks so bad!! DX she will be confused as fu*k!!

WULPH IS ON!!!! >.<>

fu-k if the world ended, i would destroy the earth if it meant i can be with you for ever and alone! :) your the only person i can see myself with, pure perfection!
Do not get me started on voices, yours makes me melt... Which is why i didnt use my mic a while aho, your just made me sooo effing happy, i would not contain myself in front of dro and everybody! <3

i love you more then NEthing in the world baby!

Previous Private Message --
Sent by : puertoRICAN
Sent : 08 Aug 2010 at 9:23am

well i went to bead at around 4 and woke up at 8.30, not bad. And i was right, i can not remember what i dreamed about. Now that i have you there is no goal, there is nothing i want or need, you have taken over my life and i could not be happier. <3
I never thought the day would come where i told you how i felt, and even more so, you would feel the same. talk about a double win! i am by far the luckiest guy i know, even to have u for a day say u love me makes me smile, the thought of us growing what we already have into a even more beautiful future, really brings a smile to my face! :) Better then a gang bang? ill take it! as long as u are cool with being my aids! <3

I mean, i have loved u damn near since the 1st time i heard you, it has only grown from there. it made me feel good to try and cheer you up every time u were down, as if it were my responsibility, I have always tried to help and protect you from getting hurt baby, and i will continue to try and protect you for as long as i live, something as great as you should be happy all day, and i intend on making it happen so long as you let me.
Thats a reason i have always felt you belonged with me. Every time you told me a story about the past that was ether a good time or bad, it as if i lived the same thing, and at times was there with you it was so similar. We both want a lot of the same things in the future, and i hope we can both get them, not by ourselves, but 2gether. You are my every thing, you have been for a while. The fact that you now know still drives me wild! i feel like we are more then just meant to be, i think u were made for me, for me to enjoy every last detail about you, i love you bev, with all my heart!

Soon Enuff, i will be able to hold you and make sure u never get hurt again, kiss you and say every thing will be fine, and i won't be lying. So long as i am with you, i promise to try and keep you as happy as possible and if your ever down , show you what you mean to me and cheer you up! The Day i wrap my arms around you, kiss you and say to your face how much you mean to me, is the day i could die, because i will have lived out my dreams! Every song i listen to, just about brings me to you. i can find one of your many details somewhere in NE song, and it makes me happy. the most perfect girl in the world, loves me. WHAT A FU*KING DAY!

agony and ecstacy.

i wish i knew what average was. i know its somewhere to be found between agony and ecstacy, but i'm closer to finding camelot than mediocrity.

i feel too much. always. i love with the depths of my fucking soul. i hurt with an intensity that can be felt by every nerve in my body.

i know no middle ground.

esctatic.
suicidal.
angry.
loved.
heartbroken.

these are my only emotions.

there is no fine.

the closest i come to being fine is when im too exhasted to feel anymore.

i dont want to always be teatering on the edge of the cliff. i either want to jump or back the hell up and never look back.

why do i feel like even in my happiest moments that there is some deep inpenetrable sadness in my soul. why is there never JUST happiness.. why is there always a "but"?

how is it possible for someone to love me so much it makes me cry with the pure conviction of it and the joy it brings me. but 2 hours later i feel like cutting my arms just to see the blood. because i deserve to hurt.

i'm broken, and i really dont want to be broken anymore, i want to be fixed.

i never want to be average. so i dont care if i ever find it. but i want the ecstacy WITHOUT the agony. the joy without the pain. the love without the hate. the smiles without the tears.

i'm sorry.

i will never forget you, the memories we shared or the joy you brought to my life. this is just the end of the first chapter of thomas and bev. chapter 2 gets better, i promise :)

i will ALWAYS love you, never doubt it.
xxx

i freeze before the keyboard. i can't think of a damn thing to say. no poems, no prose, no words. the pain cannot even be alchemized into art, into words, into something you can chalk up to an interesting experience because the pain itself, its intensity, is so great that it has woven itself into my system so deeply that there is no way to objectify it or push it outside or find its beauty within.

i realise now that homesickness is just a state of mind for me. i'm always missing someone or someplace or something. i'm always trying to get back to some imaginery somewhere. my life has been one long longing. all I can remember are goodbyes. sometimes someone will be standing in front of me, and I already feel them walking away.

don't leave me tonight.

my broken heart

being broken hearted is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. when your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more.
it is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace.

WE GOT BACK TOGETHER!!!

xXLuc1FeRx 3:06 am
baby, you're not hardly anything. you're thomas, my thomas. you're the reason i'm still alive. you're the only person in 6 billion that i want to spend my life with. idc if you want to climb everest or go to the moon, thats about what you want to DO, not what you are. i guess i want to help you see how beautiful you really are. how when you laugh in a way thats so fn geeky its the best sound i've heard in my life. i know i love you, because you can hurt me so badly, but when you do, all i think about are the times you've made me smile. you dont have to take risks for me, you dont have to be someone you are not. all i ask is that you love me, that you'll give me your heart and not look back. i know i'm not perfect and i don't deserve anyone to love me as much as you do. when i look back at my life, all the happiest times have been with you. i know i havent met you yet. but i know your soul, or at least i think i do. i'm sat here cryign my eyes out, not because im sad, but because i realise how much i fn love you. and i realise how scared i am. because nothing in mmy life ever lasts. every time i open my heart to something and dream it crumbles and breaks and leaves me close to death. i know you cant say this will work. i can't either. i just, want you to love me and never doubt it. for me true love doesn't just fill your heart, it overflows into your whole body and soul. i could never doubt you. even for an instant. and the fact that you doubted you loved me broke my heart. i know its only a little thing and maybe i'm too fragile. but the one thing i have in my life that i knew was certain, in a whole world of uncertainties was torn from under me.
drokun@live.nl 3:08 am
i love you.
i dont know why id ever doubt that
i try to give you all that i am
ive never come across as confident
ive always been the one doubting
incapable of making decisions
but i made a decision
and i know its the right one
i love you
i really
really
really
dont want you
to ever
doubt that again
xXLuc1FeRx 3:11 am
then can i be your princess?
drokun@live.nl 3:11 am
ill make you my goddes

if you ever doubt me

read this. there are all quotes about love that rung so true to me that i saved them in a word document on my PC and called it "iwillalwaysloveyou": <3 Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each one with a reason why I love you. I was doing great until I ran out of stars. <3 True love is not how you forgive, but how you forget, not what you see but what you feel, not how you listen but how you understand, and not how you let go but how you hold on. <3 You are my soul mate, my sweetheart, you are my dream come true, from now until the end of time I give my heart and soul to you. <3 True love is not being with someone because you think you can be happy with that person, but because without that person you know you can never be. <3 If you love someone, let them go. If they dont come back they were never yours...if they come back, there yours to keep. <3 If the sky where made of paper and the ocean my ink well; I still wouldn't be able to describe how much I love you, and how wonderful you make me feel when I am with you. <3 To live life without you is to live life without love. <3 True love does not worry about the distance between, for the heart and soul travels through one's words. <3 true love is when you can read every single one of these quotes and only think of one person <3 Love is true when there aren't words to describe how you feel and actions never seem to be enough. <3 True love knows no boundaries. It is the people involved who create them. <3 there's only one place in the world I call home, and it's because you're there. <3 If you were to measure the fire of our love it would put hell to shame. <3 Because I love you my nights are no longer dark. ------------------------------------------------------ i dont care if i love you more. from now on you get my everything. if this doesnt work it will break my heart because i love you so much. but you're worth the risk, and if im not with you then i don't need a heart anyway, so i dont care if it gets broken. i love you so much that if i had only one wish for you, it would be for you to someday be able to love someone as much as i have always loved you. true love is being scared and doing it anyway. not caring if you get anything back for what you've given. just knowing that you smiled when you read this, makes everything worthwhile. until i met you i thought that the best ending a love story can have was "happy ever after" now i realise that true love doesn't have an ending. tonight i realised that i don't want to be anyone else, because you only love me.

Imagine:

i stand on top of the highest cliff.
feel the wind tearing at my clothes, the elements.
the only truth left in a world of lies and hypocrisy.
the beauty of the abyss.
the anticipation, like imagining the greatest sex, an existential foreplay.
looking down into oblivion, the void.
the ground far, far away as it seems from here, but in reality only a couple of seconds away.
standing there.
feeling eternity in a restricted world.
feeling a decision in a prefabricated existence.

to draw the final breath,
to make that little step,
to know, that for once a decision was made,
to feel one foot above the abyss,
to think for a split second you can float in the air,
to feel losing balance,
to fall,
to gain speed,
to have the air tear at your hair and clothes,
to feel the cold wind violently caress you,
to see the ground coming closer,
to scream in orgiastic excitement,
to know what you have done,
to know that you have done something for once.

maybe even: to doubt,
to regret,
to wish yourself back to the top of the peak that you are pacing away from.
mercilessly
to fly into annihilation,
to see the truth, whether it is a beautiful or an unbearable truth for the fraction of a second only.

those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be much more revealing than the whole life of most other people. more true, essential, focused, divine. purer. 70 years forced into seconds. refined into pure knowledge and truth.

those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be worth a lifetime.

a worthy payment for endless agony

no more endless, unbearable pain.
no more routine.
no more repetition.
no more

-- Peace.

what do you write when you lost the last thing you wanted to live for and all that's left are the things to die for?

how do you fix what has always been broken? how do you put back together something when you never knew how it was meant to look like in the first place? you can try and fix it, but it will always be rough around the edges, and misplaced, too raw, different to the rest.

the pain of having a broken heart is not so much as to kill you, yet not so little as to let you live.