i freeze before the keyboard. i can't think of a damn thing to say. no poems, no prose, no words. the pain cannot even be alchemized into art, into words, into something you can chalk up to an interesting experience because the pain itself, its intensity, is so great that it has woven itself into my system so deeply that there is no way to objectify it or push it outside or find its beauty within.

i realise now that homesickness is just a state of mind for me. i'm always missing someone or someplace or something. i'm always trying to get back to some imaginery somewhere. my life has been one long longing. all I can remember are goodbyes. sometimes someone will be standing in front of me, and I already feel them walking away.

don't leave me tonight.

my broken heart

being broken hearted is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. when your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more.
it is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace.

WE GOT BACK TOGETHER!!!

xXLuc1FeRx 3:06 am
baby, you're not hardly anything. you're thomas, my thomas. you're the reason i'm still alive. you're the only person in 6 billion that i want to spend my life with. idc if you want to climb everest or go to the moon, thats about what you want to DO, not what you are. i guess i want to help you see how beautiful you really are. how when you laugh in a way thats so fn geeky its the best sound i've heard in my life. i know i love you, because you can hurt me so badly, but when you do, all i think about are the times you've made me smile. you dont have to take risks for me, you dont have to be someone you are not. all i ask is that you love me, that you'll give me your heart and not look back. i know i'm not perfect and i don't deserve anyone to love me as much as you do. when i look back at my life, all the happiest times have been with you. i know i havent met you yet. but i know your soul, or at least i think i do. i'm sat here cryign my eyes out, not because im sad, but because i realise how much i fn love you. and i realise how scared i am. because nothing in mmy life ever lasts. every time i open my heart to something and dream it crumbles and breaks and leaves me close to death. i know you cant say this will work. i can't either. i just, want you to love me and never doubt it. for me true love doesn't just fill your heart, it overflows into your whole body and soul. i could never doubt you. even for an instant. and the fact that you doubted you loved me broke my heart. i know its only a little thing and maybe i'm too fragile. but the one thing i have in my life that i knew was certain, in a whole world of uncertainties was torn from under me.
drokun@live.nl 3:08 am
i love you.
i dont know why id ever doubt that
i try to give you all that i am
ive never come across as confident
ive always been the one doubting
incapable of making decisions
but i made a decision
and i know its the right one
i love you
i really
really
really
dont want you
to ever
doubt that again
xXLuc1FeRx 3:11 am
then can i be your princess?
drokun@live.nl 3:11 am
ill make you my goddes

if you ever doubt me

read this. there are all quotes about love that rung so true to me that i saved them in a word document on my PC and called it "iwillalwaysloveyou": <3 Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each one with a reason why I love you. I was doing great until I ran out of stars. <3 True love is not how you forgive, but how you forget, not what you see but what you feel, not how you listen but how you understand, and not how you let go but how you hold on. <3 You are my soul mate, my sweetheart, you are my dream come true, from now until the end of time I give my heart and soul to you. <3 True love is not being with someone because you think you can be happy with that person, but because without that person you know you can never be. <3 If you love someone, let them go. If they dont come back they were never yours...if they come back, there yours to keep. <3 If the sky where made of paper and the ocean my ink well; I still wouldn't be able to describe how much I love you, and how wonderful you make me feel when I am with you. <3 To live life without you is to live life without love. <3 True love does not worry about the distance between, for the heart and soul travels through one's words. <3 true love is when you can read every single one of these quotes and only think of one person <3 Love is true when there aren't words to describe how you feel and actions never seem to be enough. <3 True love knows no boundaries. It is the people involved who create them. <3 there's only one place in the world I call home, and it's because you're there. <3 If you were to measure the fire of our love it would put hell to shame. <3 Because I love you my nights are no longer dark. ------------------------------------------------------ i dont care if i love you more. from now on you get my everything. if this doesnt work it will break my heart because i love you so much. but you're worth the risk, and if im not with you then i don't need a heart anyway, so i dont care if it gets broken. i love you so much that if i had only one wish for you, it would be for you to someday be able to love someone as much as i have always loved you. true love is being scared and doing it anyway. not caring if you get anything back for what you've given. just knowing that you smiled when you read this, makes everything worthwhile. until i met you i thought that the best ending a love story can have was "happy ever after" now i realise that true love doesn't have an ending. tonight i realised that i don't want to be anyone else, because you only love me.

Imagine:

i stand on top of the highest cliff.
feel the wind tearing at my clothes, the elements.
the only truth left in a world of lies and hypocrisy.
the beauty of the abyss.
the anticipation, like imagining the greatest sex, an existential foreplay.
looking down into oblivion, the void.
the ground far, far away as it seems from here, but in reality only a couple of seconds away.
standing there.
feeling eternity in a restricted world.
feeling a decision in a prefabricated existence.

to draw the final breath,
to make that little step,
to know, that for once a decision was made,
to feel one foot above the abyss,
to think for a split second you can float in the air,
to feel losing balance,
to fall,
to gain speed,
to have the air tear at your hair and clothes,
to feel the cold wind violently caress you,
to see the ground coming closer,
to scream in orgiastic excitement,
to know what you have done,
to know that you have done something for once.

maybe even: to doubt,
to regret,
to wish yourself back to the top of the peak that you are pacing away from.
mercilessly
to fly into annihilation,
to see the truth, whether it is a beautiful or an unbearable truth for the fraction of a second only.

those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be much more revealing than the whole life of most other people. more true, essential, focused, divine. purer. 70 years forced into seconds. refined into pure knowledge and truth.

those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be worth a lifetime.

a worthy payment for endless agony

no more endless, unbearable pain.
no more routine.
no more repetition.
no more

-- Peace.

what do you write when you lost the last thing you wanted to live for and all that's left are the things to die for?

how do you fix what has always been broken? how do you put back together something when you never knew how it was meant to look like in the first place? you can try and fix it, but it will always be rough around the edges, and misplaced, too raw, different to the rest.

the pain of having a broken heart is not so much as to kill you, yet not so little as to let you live.