I don’t just want
your heart
I want your flesh,
your skin
and blood and bones,
your voice, your thoughts
your pulse
and most of all your
fingerprints,
everywhere.
Wednesday 29 September 2010
my suicide attempts (in chronological order)
1. the first time i tried to kill myself i was 5. i drank a bottle of bleach straight from the cupboard under the sink. it burned, that's all i remember really, a burning pain..and my mum finding me vomiting bleach and blood from my stomach and taking me to hospital. i was too young to know what i was doing, but even then i wanted to die.
2. finding dave dead in bed with a gun. putting the gun to my head and pulling the trigger - no bullets. you fucker.
3. starving myself, ending up on an IV drip in psych ward. refusing to eat. being force fed by my hopeless mother. vomiting it back up when she went away.
4. days later, eating the light bulb so the glass would cut my stomach and kill me from the inside. didn't work. i expect the glass is in me somewhere, never felt a thing.
5. 3 lines of cocaine, speed and a bottle of straight vodka. woke up the next day feeling like i'd been run over by a train, fucked someone i really shouldn't have fucked.
6. sleeping pills and paracetamol - stomach pumping, rather droll.
7. wrist slitting - the most recent; a week in psych ward, a diagnosis of bipolar, and packed off with pills and sent on my way.
8. haven't decided yet - no more half assed attempts. jumping from a building; running in front of a lorry; drowning; skydiving and not pulling the parachute. i'll think of something.
2. finding dave dead in bed with a gun. putting the gun to my head and pulling the trigger - no bullets. you fucker.
3. starving myself, ending up on an IV drip in psych ward. refusing to eat. being force fed by my hopeless mother. vomiting it back up when she went away.
4. days later, eating the light bulb so the glass would cut my stomach and kill me from the inside. didn't work. i expect the glass is in me somewhere, never felt a thing.
5. 3 lines of cocaine, speed and a bottle of straight vodka. woke up the next day feeling like i'd been run over by a train, fucked someone i really shouldn't have fucked.
6. sleeping pills and paracetamol - stomach pumping, rather droll.
7. wrist slitting - the most recent; a week in psych ward, a diagnosis of bipolar, and packed off with pills and sent on my way.
8. haven't decided yet - no more half assed attempts. jumping from a building; running in front of a lorry; drowning; skydiving and not pulling the parachute. i'll think of something.
is there any point in articulating myself? someone else will have said it better. you may as well read them.
i wish that my words had the power of a scream, the final cry of a girl falling to her death.
i lie here, trapped, in my own thoughts, descending to some dark place where i'm all alone. i can't reach you here. you can't hear me cry. it's just me and the raw total of my pain. i feel my nerves raw and exposed. my life is the abscess that forms around them.
i wish that my words had the power of a scream, the final cry of a girl falling to her death.
i lie here, trapped, in my own thoughts, descending to some dark place where i'm all alone. i can't reach you here. you can't hear me cry. it's just me and the raw total of my pain. i feel my nerves raw and exposed. my life is the abscess that forms around them.
the problem with love.
i believe in two versions of love. you're either the kind of person who falls in love using your head, or like me, you love with your heart.
if you love with your head it's rational. it's planned. its meticulous, clean, safe. you control the love, it doesn't control you. it's like a dog on a leash, you pull it along at your own pace.
it's your beast. you mould it, create it and make it fit around your life, and if it goes too far you beat it like a blacksmith back into the place that it was meant to be.
love is your bitch. if it works for you at that moment and suits your purposes then it stays. the moment the cost-benefit swings the wrong way you're done. you can flip the switch, erase and discard.
i'm not that person. i love with my heart. i love with my soul. i love with every atom, every breath, every smile, every laugh. i love as if the act of love itself is the antidote to my life. a radiant light that will save me from the darkness. there are countless analogies, but most of all i love like i have nothing to lose.
for me lovemaking is so stormy and theatrical that i tear into my lover, and when i do, i tear holes. sometimes sex is more like fighting than love. we slam each other around. trying to find each other’s souls, knowing they must be in there somewhere, close to our undernourished hearts.
my love is furious. and brave. and loud.
the first time i saw into your heart you touched me and i felt as if the texture of the world had changed, grown warmer but also more expansive. you felt permeable to me and seeped into everything and everything into you.
my lover is my black hole. i want him to devour me.
i hope you're like me, the worst thing in the world is to give yourself away in exchange for not enough love...
if you love with your head it's rational. it's planned. its meticulous, clean, safe. you control the love, it doesn't control you. it's like a dog on a leash, you pull it along at your own pace.
it's your beast. you mould it, create it and make it fit around your life, and if it goes too far you beat it like a blacksmith back into the place that it was meant to be.
love is your bitch. if it works for you at that moment and suits your purposes then it stays. the moment the cost-benefit swings the wrong way you're done. you can flip the switch, erase and discard.
i'm not that person. i love with my heart. i love with my soul. i love with every atom, every breath, every smile, every laugh. i love as if the act of love itself is the antidote to my life. a radiant light that will save me from the darkness. there are countless analogies, but most of all i love like i have nothing to lose.
for me lovemaking is so stormy and theatrical that i tear into my lover, and when i do, i tear holes. sometimes sex is more like fighting than love. we slam each other around. trying to find each other’s souls, knowing they must be in there somewhere, close to our undernourished hearts.
my love is furious. and brave. and loud.
the first time i saw into your heart you touched me and i felt as if the texture of the world had changed, grown warmer but also more expansive. you felt permeable to me and seeped into everything and everything into you.
my lover is my black hole. i want him to devour me.
i hope you're like me, the worst thing in the world is to give yourself away in exchange for not enough love...
Monday 27 September 2010
Sunday 26 September 2010
i feel like an abandoned building. everything decaying, rotten. no-one goes their, they know how unstable it is so they stay away. they see the warning signs hanging outside "do not enter", "hazardous", "enter at your own risk". vicarious liability is a real bitch these days. i give enough warnings.
from the distance it looks like an interesting place, full of antiquities and gargoyled turrets, but up close it's cold and foreboding. some say it's haunted. some say it's just cold and empty. they talk about a girl that used to live their all alone, and how she drove herself insane. they say if you go up there late at night you can still hear her crying, but no-one cared enough to listen.
from the distance it looks like an interesting place, full of antiquities and gargoyled turrets, but up close it's cold and foreboding. some say it's haunted. some say it's just cold and empty. they talk about a girl that used to live their all alone, and how she drove herself insane. they say if you go up there late at night you can still hear her crying, but no-one cared enough to listen.
The heart ruptures, its toxins leach
into the groundwater of blood and neurons.
The muteness of cells is suddenly disrupted;
now they won’t stop chattering, replicating,
and I in my sweaty bed, watching the spider cracks
hover against the ceiling, ignore those cells
as they spin and spin.
Doctors become translators,
tapping a Morse code on my skin, trying to decipher
the language bumping through vessels and bones.
Oh, heartbreak—such a fickle thing.
Heartbreak is a squatter crouched in my kitchen,
its eyes a glittery spark, finger over its mouth,
hushing me,
hushing,
hush.
into the groundwater of blood and neurons.
The muteness of cells is suddenly disrupted;
now they won’t stop chattering, replicating,
and I in my sweaty bed, watching the spider cracks
hover against the ceiling, ignore those cells
as they spin and spin.
Doctors become translators,
tapping a Morse code on my skin, trying to decipher
the language bumping through vessels and bones.
Oh, heartbreak—such a fickle thing.
Heartbreak is a squatter crouched in my kitchen,
its eyes a glittery spark, finger over its mouth,
hushing me,
hushing,
hush.
Saturday 25 September 2010
Remember the high board at the swimming pool? After days of looking up at it you finally climbed the wet steps to the platform. From there, it was higher than ever. There were only two ways down: the steps to defeat or the dive to victory. You stood on the edge, shivering in the hot sun, deathly afraid. At last you leaned too far forward; it was too late for retreat, and you dived. The high board was conquered, and you spent the rest of the day diving. Climbing a thousand high boards, we demolish fear and turn into human beings.
Thursday 23 September 2010
The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanely sensitive. To them a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create—so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, their very breath is cut off...They must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency they are not really alive unless they are creating.
Wednesday 22 September 2010
I give you this
one thought to keep.
I am with you still,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken
in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars
That shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone—
I am with you still,
in each new dawn.
one thought to keep.
I am with you still,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken
in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars
That shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone—
I am with you still,
in each new dawn.
death becomes me.
I think there can be no greater suffering than the state of mind I find myself in at present. I am sane enough to know that I am no longer sane. Somewhere, somehow, I am being dragged over a line, a line which never even existed for me until now. It’s I, not someone else, but I, who am crossing that line, and I see no way to stop myself.
I have become, inexplicably, a wandering and completely bewildered stranger in the realm of my emotions. I can no longer find my way back to my familiar and known world where I did dwell once in some harmony with myself. Everyone is one the other side of an impenetrable glass. We can see each other, but we cannot reach each other, and I am stretching out my hand in vain. I am alone and abandoned in the dark, and I am terrified, beyond any understanding, and the not understanding leaves me in a state of paralyzing panic.
I can’t move in any direction.
I am becoming more and more rigid physically. I am afraid that if I turn my head, even a little I will see my horrible terrors and they will overwhelm me. I think I’m being followed—I am running through endless, twisting, pitch-dark tunnels, and I can’t find my way out. There is no light at the end of any turn I take. I can’t turn back. I am being backed into the darkest and last corner of all.
I long to escape from these feelings that I can neither understand nor bear. Where is there a place for me, where can I go, where can I turn, save deeper and deeper into the labyrinth of my poor sick mind?
My mind is dying and I want to die with it.
The pain is too much to bear.
Even my body hurts.
My terrors are crushing me, smothering me. I can’t breathe—I can’t communicate my fears to anyone with any hope that they will be understood. I am locking myself up in a prison of my own making, a horrible, painful prison, to which I have no key.
There is only one escape, and that is death. I plan each day and night how to take my life. It is hard to believe that I, who loved life so much, am planning to kill myself—find myself longing for death. I am obsessed with one desire — to blot out a mind that can harbor and play with such thoughts.
Someone must help me—safe me from myself, for what will become of me?
I have become, inexplicably, a wandering and completely bewildered stranger in the realm of my emotions. I can no longer find my way back to my familiar and known world where I did dwell once in some harmony with myself. Everyone is one the other side of an impenetrable glass. We can see each other, but we cannot reach each other, and I am stretching out my hand in vain. I am alone and abandoned in the dark, and I am terrified, beyond any understanding, and the not understanding leaves me in a state of paralyzing panic.
I can’t move in any direction.
I am becoming more and more rigid physically. I am afraid that if I turn my head, even a little I will see my horrible terrors and they will overwhelm me. I think I’m being followed—I am running through endless, twisting, pitch-dark tunnels, and I can’t find my way out. There is no light at the end of any turn I take. I can’t turn back. I am being backed into the darkest and last corner of all.
I long to escape from these feelings that I can neither understand nor bear. Where is there a place for me, where can I go, where can I turn, save deeper and deeper into the labyrinth of my poor sick mind?
My mind is dying and I want to die with it.
The pain is too much to bear.
Even my body hurts.
My terrors are crushing me, smothering me. I can’t breathe—I can’t communicate my fears to anyone with any hope that they will be understood. I am locking myself up in a prison of my own making, a horrible, painful prison, to which I have no key.
There is only one escape, and that is death. I plan each day and night how to take my life. It is hard to believe that I, who loved life so much, am planning to kill myself—find myself longing for death. I am obsessed with one desire — to blot out a mind that can harbor and play with such thoughts.
Someone must help me—safe me from myself, for what will become of me?
Tuesday 21 September 2010
Depression is the flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair. When it comes, it degrades one’s self and ultimately eclipses the capacity to give or receive affection. It is the aloneness within us made manifest, and it destroys not only connection to others but also the ability to be peacefully alone with oneself.
Mild depression is a gradual and sometimes permanent thing that undermines people the way rust weakens iron … Like physical pain that becomes chronic, it is miserable not so much because it is intolerable in the moment as because it is intolerable to have known it in the moments gone and to look forward only to knowing it in the moments to come.
It is not pleasant to experience decay, to find yourself exposed to the ravages of an almost daily rain, and to know that you are turning into something feeble, that more and more of you will blow off with the first strong wind, making you less and less. Some people accumulate more emotional rust than others. Depression starts out insipid, fogs the days into a dull color, weakens ordinary actions until their clear shapes are obscured by the effort they require, leaves you tired and bored and self-obsessed—but you can get through all that. Not happily, perhaps, but you can get through. No one has ever been able to define the collapse point that marks major depression, but when you get there, there’s not much mistaking it. Major depression is a birth and a death: it is both the new presence of something and the total disappearance of something.
My depression has been a sucking thing that had wrapped itself around me, ugly and more alive than I. It has a life of its own that has bit by bit asphyxiated all of my life out of me. I have moods that I know are not my moods: they belong to the depression… I am compacted and fetal, depleted by this thing that crushes me without holding me. Its tendrils threaten to pulverize my mind and my courage and my stomach, and crack my bones and desiccate my body. It gluttons itself on me when there is nothing left to feed it. I can never kill this vine of depression, and so all I wanted is for it to let me die. But it has taken from me the energy I would need to kill myself, and it will not kill me. If my trunk is rotting, this thing that fed on it was now too strong to let it fall ; it has become an alternative support to what it had destroyed. In the tightest corner of my bed, split and racked by this thing no one else seemed to be able to see, I pray to a God I have never believed in, and I ask for deliverance. I would be happy to die the most painful death, but I am too dumbly lethargic even to conceptualize suicide.
Every second of being alive hurts me.
Mild depression is a gradual and sometimes permanent thing that undermines people the way rust weakens iron … Like physical pain that becomes chronic, it is miserable not so much because it is intolerable in the moment as because it is intolerable to have known it in the moments gone and to look forward only to knowing it in the moments to come.
It is not pleasant to experience decay, to find yourself exposed to the ravages of an almost daily rain, and to know that you are turning into something feeble, that more and more of you will blow off with the first strong wind, making you less and less. Some people accumulate more emotional rust than others. Depression starts out insipid, fogs the days into a dull color, weakens ordinary actions until their clear shapes are obscured by the effort they require, leaves you tired and bored and self-obsessed—but you can get through all that. Not happily, perhaps, but you can get through. No one has ever been able to define the collapse point that marks major depression, but when you get there, there’s not much mistaking it. Major depression is a birth and a death: it is both the new presence of something and the total disappearance of something.
My depression has been a sucking thing that had wrapped itself around me, ugly and more alive than I. It has a life of its own that has bit by bit asphyxiated all of my life out of me. I have moods that I know are not my moods: they belong to the depression… I am compacted and fetal, depleted by this thing that crushes me without holding me. Its tendrils threaten to pulverize my mind and my courage and my stomach, and crack my bones and desiccate my body. It gluttons itself on me when there is nothing left to feed it. I can never kill this vine of depression, and so all I wanted is for it to let me die. But it has taken from me the energy I would need to kill myself, and it will not kill me. If my trunk is rotting, this thing that fed on it was now too strong to let it fall ; it has become an alternative support to what it had destroyed. In the tightest corner of my bed, split and racked by this thing no one else seemed to be able to see, I pray to a God I have never believed in, and I ask for deliverance. I would be happy to die the most painful death, but I am too dumbly lethargic even to conceptualize suicide.
Every second of being alive hurts me.
seconds. minutes. hours. days.
find what you want and stop at nothing to achieve it.
bleed for it.
cry for it.
lust for it.
die for it.
but never. ever. give up.
we are given one life. it's finite. it will be taken from you when you least expect it, whether that will be silently in your sleep, or screaming as a passenger in my car.
once the clock stops. that's it. you are done. no false starts. no second chances. you either devour the world like a hungry hooker, or you let it devour you.
if you live your life missing bullets you might get shot. but some things are worth dying for.
find that something. and if you have to, be prepared to die for it.
everyone has a talent. what is rare is the courage to follow talent to the dark place where it leads.
find your centre. let it be like the splitting of the atom. explode upon the world.
bleed for it.
cry for it.
lust for it.
die for it.
but never. ever. give up.
we are given one life. it's finite. it will be taken from you when you least expect it, whether that will be silently in your sleep, or screaming as a passenger in my car.
once the clock stops. that's it. you are done. no false starts. no second chances. you either devour the world like a hungry hooker, or you let it devour you.
if you live your life missing bullets you might get shot. but some things are worth dying for.
find that something. and if you have to, be prepared to die for it.
everyone has a talent. what is rare is the courage to follow talent to the dark place where it leads.
find your centre. let it be like the splitting of the atom. explode upon the world.
Monday 20 September 2010
love letters - you to me.
ate: Sun, 19 Sep 2010 20:18:34 -0700
From: XXXXX@yahoo.com
Subject: Bev, i love you more then anything in this world............
To: XXXXX@hotmail.co.uk
oh my fucking gawd, you make me want to jump up and down like some retarded person on a television show when they just won a million dollars. But i did not win a bunch of money or prize's, i won something that no person could buy or receive as a gift. I have found something that takes people years to find, years to ask them self if what they have is real.i have won something that can really only be found once.i have won something that is so unbelievable i still ask myself how the hell i am so lucky. i won you, your love, something that means the world to me and i intend on keeping and sharing with you until the day that i die.
I know that the distance between us can be intimidating at times, and there are moments that i would want nothing more then to just kiss you, hold your hand or just have some sort of physical contact with you to show you i love you, and i cant. But i know that this is really no problem. Like you said, one year is nothing. Take in the fact that once i am over there, i will be with you for the rest of my life, it really does not seem that long. One year of getting to know more about the woman i love and just getting to know each other better so that when we meet, we wont be completely lost as to who the other person really is... Yea, not a problem at all.
I dunno, i know that you may feel "i'm shallow, i'm not half as intelligent as people think, i can be clingy, needy, bitchy, and sometimes down right mean." But i never see that. call it wishful thinking or whatever but when i talk to you or just hear something you say, i always manage to find something truly beautiful in your words and your voice. I try my hardest to be honest with you and i never want to lie to you, so know that i am telling the truth when i say that i find you to be the perfect woman every man searches for..The woman that kids dream about one day meeting, kissing, having kids, being happy with. And if to no one else, then to me. And i guess since its just me and you in this relationship, my word should mean something to you... You truly are my definition of perfection baby. <3 I hate being at work. I hate being with my family at times. I hate having to go out and shop. I hate when my mother does not cook and i have to go out, even tho i do not like my mom's cooking. I hate doing favors for people that make me get out of the house. I hate so many things for one reason. It takes me away from you. Our time is already to short and is precious. So i try and take advantage of what we have and i do not like when it has to be worse then it has to be... Maybe im greedy or to needy, i don't care. I love you and "our" time means a lot to me and id like to have as much of it as i can. i swear, when i am not with you, at times i just go fucking crazy. My mind just starts going into some panic mode trying to think of something else less painful.. it has never won. Nothing i do can take you out of my mind.. And to be honest, that's not a bad thing. I love thinking about you, it may hurt, but nothing means more to me then you. Im not one to judge the way i am. What you said about me really made me feel happy. i try hard to make people happy and to at least attempt to make them laugh. i guess these last few years have been a little ruff on me.. i have been through a lot of sad periods, periods that i felt like killing myself would not only be my only shot at happiness, but that my family may be better off. Looking back, thinking like that is stupid and selfish. Yes, at times i may feel sad or down, and have a terrible pain deep in my heart, but killing myself would not help in any other way, and would only hurt the ones i loved. And had i gave up i would have never been able to find what i have always been missing. You. You were my cure to happiness and i feel like i took a lethal dose. Cuz i will love you until the day i die. (HOLY FUCK THAT WAS CORNY!) But my point is, with all my moments of sadness and doubtfulness, i try and always cheer people up and make them feel good i guess. I don't want people to ever go through something that i went through, so its the least i can do. And that's not to say that like i have been through so much shit, my life really is not as bad as others, but its not the point. i just want people to be happy. I never really felt like anybody noticed until you. Like you were the person that really "deserved me" And i do not mean that in like a cocky sense, i mean that as in we deserved each other, and no one else. No one really needed me to be the person i am but you, your the one who deserves it. And if i had to put a smile on my face for a million people until the one person who deserved it finally saw it.. then i would... i did. i love you For months, i knew that i loved you. No one made me laugh the way you did. No one could tell me something that made me want to bust out into tears the way your stories did. Not because there sad necessarily, but because of the pain in your heart and soul, it fucking killed me and i could feel some sort of a connection. I hated when i knew you were sad and mad. And you were only a "friend" at the time. Of course i would feel bad when somebody told me something sad and what not, but only when i heard you did i truly feel like i could connect and not only see how much you needed me, but how much i needed you in my life. Imagine waking up everyday, wishing for something truly awful to happen in order for something amazing to happen. When i say that, i am talking about the relationship you were in at the time, and its horrible. Both of you were my best friends, and i was so lonely. I just wanted a chance to make you happy. And at first i said "sure.. i can wait.." Then one month turned to two...then three.... then four..... And you seemed truly happy, and i was happy for you. So i thought that i would let it go. But then, i knew i did not have a Strong crush or anything, i was in love. Because even tho i was happy for you, i wanted more. Again, i may be greedy, but i knew i would wait 10 fucking years if i had to, but you were the woman i wanted to live with, to make my wife, and to have children with.A couple months later, an opportunity arose, and "we" happened. It was so weird that night.. I finally said what i wanted to for months and i weight was lifted, the moments leading up to us saying "i love you" was so amazing, i had such a rush in my blood and i just felt so alive that i was dying.. if that makes sense.. Then when you said it back, i seriously smiled harder then i ever had. The most amazing moment in my entire life.. i will never forget it. Im always here for you when you need me, do not feel afraid to talk to me... for whatever reason. Whatever it is, i want to try and help, and if i cant, then i want to share your pain, i do not like the thought of you carrying all that pain, beating yourself up about it and me being happy. I want to share the pain with you, make it easier to deal with, make you not feel alone, and that there is someone hear, with you to make you feel better, that's all i want to do. Keep your heart, Ill share mine with you as well. The fact is, without you, my heart would be useless. So keep yours, and take mine, you will never be heartless ever again. (You better get your heart back from him, or i will tell him to return it... >.< )
I hate to think about you killing yourself baby, and if u really mean what you said, then damn, i could not be happier then to be with you. You mean to much to me to see you go. Saving you may be the single greatest thing i have ever done, not only for myself, But for the world. You may not see it, but you truly are something special, and one of these days you will do something amazing and be noticed by a mass amount of people. Weather its a book, a movie, or what ever, you will do something incredible, its just up to you for what. Do not ever tell yourself that you are not special, you are and one day you and the world will see it.. i am just lucky to get a sneak peak. Cuz believe me, i know how special you are, and you mean more then anything to me. <33
I have nothing but faith in you baby, i know i may bring up past issues that may make you feel guilty, but im only joking and i will try to not do it as much. I wont lie, yes i may get a bit paranoid at times. But its not because i actually think you are going to go out and do something behind my back or some shit, its only because you mean so much to me that the thought of losing you fucking kills me and at times its only natural to run the "worst case scenario" in your head. I swear that i have faith in you, and when i think like that at times, its only me, not you. If anything, its just a constant reminder of how important you are to me, and make sure i don't do anything stupid for you to be mad at me or whatever. :P haha
Well, i said it once, ill say it again. If i had the chance, i have no doubt that i would ask you to marry me.. i may be young, but i do not feel i am rushing. I know what i want in a woman, i know what makes me happy, i know what is needed to make a relationship successful. And you fill out the application better then any other woman will ever be able to. Id drop on one knee and ask you to be my wife right now, i really would. I am that sure of not only you, but us, And i swear, when the time comes, i will make you feel loved, cared for, protected, needed and everything else every single day. And it wont be because im trying to be nice, it would be because its necessary. i do love you, your so special i feel i have to protect you, and i care so deeply about you that i would always try and show it. I know i am not perfect, but we are, and we will make one hell of a beautiful life for each other, but for our future children as well. i swear to you.
I love you bev. I have always loved you and i will always love you until the day i stop breathing. And if it is like it is in the movies, and my should raises from my body slowly drifting to ether heaven or hell, i will ether join you or wait patiently with my hand open waiting for you, and love you in the after life.
Hope you had a great sleep and feel good, have a great day at work and i will talk to you soon as i can.
I really do love you Bev, with every single piece of my being. You are the one i want to spend the rest of my life with, and you are the only woman i will ever love.
You are my everything, i am your anything. Without you, there is no me.
-Jesse
<333333
From: XXXXX@yahoo.com
Subject: Bev, i love you more then anything in this world............
To: XXXXX@hotmail.co.uk
oh my fucking gawd, you make me want to jump up and down like some retarded person on a television show when they just won a million dollars. But i did not win a bunch of money or prize's, i won something that no person could buy or receive as a gift. I have found something that takes people years to find, years to ask them self if what they have is real.i have won something that can really only be found once.i have won something that is so unbelievable i still ask myself how the hell i am so lucky. i won you, your love, something that means the world to me and i intend on keeping and sharing with you until the day that i die.
I know that the distance between us can be intimidating at times, and there are moments that i would want nothing more then to just kiss you, hold your hand or just have some sort of physical contact with you to show you i love you, and i cant. But i know that this is really no problem. Like you said, one year is nothing. Take in the fact that once i am over there, i will be with you for the rest of my life, it really does not seem that long. One year of getting to know more about the woman i love and just getting to know each other better so that when we meet, we wont be completely lost as to who the other person really is... Yea, not a problem at all.
I dunno, i know that you may feel "i'm shallow, i'm not half as intelligent as people think, i can be clingy, needy, bitchy, and sometimes down right mean." But i never see that. call it wishful thinking or whatever but when i talk to you or just hear something you say, i always manage to find something truly beautiful in your words and your voice. I try my hardest to be honest with you and i never want to lie to you, so know that i am telling the truth when i say that i find you to be the perfect woman every man searches for..The woman that kids dream about one day meeting, kissing, having kids, being happy with. And if to no one else, then to me. And i guess since its just me and you in this relationship, my word should mean something to you... You truly are my definition of perfection baby. <3 I hate being at work. I hate being with my family at times. I hate having to go out and shop. I hate when my mother does not cook and i have to go out, even tho i do not like my mom's cooking. I hate doing favors for people that make me get out of the house. I hate so many things for one reason. It takes me away from you. Our time is already to short and is precious. So i try and take advantage of what we have and i do not like when it has to be worse then it has to be... Maybe im greedy or to needy, i don't care. I love you and "our" time means a lot to me and id like to have as much of it as i can. i swear, when i am not with you, at times i just go fucking crazy. My mind just starts going into some panic mode trying to think of something else less painful.. it has never won. Nothing i do can take you out of my mind.. And to be honest, that's not a bad thing. I love thinking about you, it may hurt, but nothing means more to me then you. Im not one to judge the way i am. What you said about me really made me feel happy. i try hard to make people happy and to at least attempt to make them laugh. i guess these last few years have been a little ruff on me.. i have been through a lot of sad periods, periods that i felt like killing myself would not only be my only shot at happiness, but that my family may be better off. Looking back, thinking like that is stupid and selfish. Yes, at times i may feel sad or down, and have a terrible pain deep in my heart, but killing myself would not help in any other way, and would only hurt the ones i loved. And had i gave up i would have never been able to find what i have always been missing. You. You were my cure to happiness and i feel like i took a lethal dose. Cuz i will love you until the day i die. (HOLY FUCK THAT WAS CORNY!) But my point is, with all my moments of sadness and doubtfulness, i try and always cheer people up and make them feel good i guess. I don't want people to ever go through something that i went through, so its the least i can do. And that's not to say that like i have been through so much shit, my life really is not as bad as others, but its not the point. i just want people to be happy. I never really felt like anybody noticed until you. Like you were the person that really "deserved me" And i do not mean that in like a cocky sense, i mean that as in we deserved each other, and no one else. No one really needed me to be the person i am but you, your the one who deserves it. And if i had to put a smile on my face for a million people until the one person who deserved it finally saw it.. then i would... i did. i love you For months, i knew that i loved you. No one made me laugh the way you did. No one could tell me something that made me want to bust out into tears the way your stories did. Not because there sad necessarily, but because of the pain in your heart and soul, it fucking killed me and i could feel some sort of a connection. I hated when i knew you were sad and mad. And you were only a "friend" at the time. Of course i would feel bad when somebody told me something sad and what not, but only when i heard you did i truly feel like i could connect and not only see how much you needed me, but how much i needed you in my life. Imagine waking up everyday, wishing for something truly awful to happen in order for something amazing to happen. When i say that, i am talking about the relationship you were in at the time, and its horrible. Both of you were my best friends, and i was so lonely. I just wanted a chance to make you happy. And at first i said "sure.. i can wait.." Then one month turned to two...then three.... then four..... And you seemed truly happy, and i was happy for you. So i thought that i would let it go. But then, i knew i did not have a Strong crush or anything, i was in love. Because even tho i was happy for you, i wanted more. Again, i may be greedy, but i knew i would wait 10 fucking years if i had to, but you were the woman i wanted to live with, to make my wife, and to have children with.A couple months later, an opportunity arose, and "we" happened. It was so weird that night.. I finally said what i wanted to for months and i weight was lifted, the moments leading up to us saying "i love you" was so amazing, i had such a rush in my blood and i just felt so alive that i was dying.. if that makes sense.. Then when you said it back, i seriously smiled harder then i ever had. The most amazing moment in my entire life.. i will never forget it. Im always here for you when you need me, do not feel afraid to talk to me... for whatever reason. Whatever it is, i want to try and help, and if i cant, then i want to share your pain, i do not like the thought of you carrying all that pain, beating yourself up about it and me being happy. I want to share the pain with you, make it easier to deal with, make you not feel alone, and that there is someone hear, with you to make you feel better, that's all i want to do. Keep your heart, Ill share mine with you as well. The fact is, without you, my heart would be useless. So keep yours, and take mine, you will never be heartless ever again. (You better get your heart back from him, or i will tell him to return it... >.< )
I hate to think about you killing yourself baby, and if u really mean what you said, then damn, i could not be happier then to be with you. You mean to much to me to see you go. Saving you may be the single greatest thing i have ever done, not only for myself, But for the world. You may not see it, but you truly are something special, and one of these days you will do something amazing and be noticed by a mass amount of people. Weather its a book, a movie, or what ever, you will do something incredible, its just up to you for what. Do not ever tell yourself that you are not special, you are and one day you and the world will see it.. i am just lucky to get a sneak peak. Cuz believe me, i know how special you are, and you mean more then anything to me. <33
I have nothing but faith in you baby, i know i may bring up past issues that may make you feel guilty, but im only joking and i will try to not do it as much. I wont lie, yes i may get a bit paranoid at times. But its not because i actually think you are going to go out and do something behind my back or some shit, its only because you mean so much to me that the thought of losing you fucking kills me and at times its only natural to run the "worst case scenario" in your head. I swear that i have faith in you, and when i think like that at times, its only me, not you. If anything, its just a constant reminder of how important you are to me, and make sure i don't do anything stupid for you to be mad at me or whatever. :P haha
Well, i said it once, ill say it again. If i had the chance, i have no doubt that i would ask you to marry me.. i may be young, but i do not feel i am rushing. I know what i want in a woman, i know what makes me happy, i know what is needed to make a relationship successful. And you fill out the application better then any other woman will ever be able to. Id drop on one knee and ask you to be my wife right now, i really would. I am that sure of not only you, but us, And i swear, when the time comes, i will make you feel loved, cared for, protected, needed and everything else every single day. And it wont be because im trying to be nice, it would be because its necessary. i do love you, your so special i feel i have to protect you, and i care so deeply about you that i would always try and show it. I know i am not perfect, but we are, and we will make one hell of a beautiful life for each other, but for our future children as well. i swear to you.
I love you bev. I have always loved you and i will always love you until the day i stop breathing. And if it is like it is in the movies, and my should raises from my body slowly drifting to ether heaven or hell, i will ether join you or wait patiently with my hand open waiting for you, and love you in the after life.
Hope you had a great sleep and feel good, have a great day at work and i will talk to you soon as i can.
I really do love you Bev, with every single piece of my being. You are the one i want to spend the rest of my life with, and you are the only woman i will ever love.
You are my everything, i am your anything. Without you, there is no me.
-Jesse
<333333
love letters- me to you
i love you
02:42
i said i'd go to sleep but before i do i want to write you a decent email. its 8pm for you, 1am for me.
it feels like even time is laughing at us sometimes. why does it have to be my morning and your night? why did i have to find the man i want to spend the rest of my life with, and him to be so far away?
when i say that though, i feel so spoilt. because i found you. my one in seven billion. i can't complain in the face of such fortune.
i know i am not perfect, i'm shallow, i'm not half as intelligent as people think, i can be clingy, needy, bitchy, and sometimes down right mean. but i feel like i must have done something right somewhere along the line. because here i am, with you.
i know that we're on the verge of something incredible. the greatest love story ever told. our story. the beginning of the rest of our lives together... and in the scale of things what is one more year as opposed to 60+ years living together for the rest of our days. its nothing.. and it gives us time to get to know each other, and sort our finances out etc.. its time we need.
so i dont begrudge it.
and i dont hate the distance. because if i can feel something pulling me towards you from 1400 miles away then when we meet it will be pure electricity.
when you're not here i find my mind willing to cross an ocean for you. i want to leave everything i have behind and just start afresh with you. i would give up everything for that to happen, and if its necessary i will. i dont need money, i dont need fancy clothes, a nice house or a nice car. i dont even need to be near my family, even though i love my parents so much. i dont need anything in this fucking world except you.
its funny, i always feel like im walking around in the dark fumbling for the light switch, but when im with you you make the lights turn on. everyone else is just like a distant star, you're blinding sunlight. i always felt like that about you btw. and thats why so many people love you, because your personality is so incredible it does the unthinkable, makes people HAPPY. you have a gift in a way i guess, you can bring so much joy into so many people's lives such by being you. i wish i had your way with people.
i have always known there is something deeply special and unique about you. your compassion, your integity, just talking to you i knew there was so much more to you beneath the surface. you're funny and kind, but its not that, its something deeper, its like when im with you i can see your soul so clearly i can reach out and touch it. and its beautiful. its incredible.
i wish i'd told you this when we were friends so you dont just think i'm saying it to be nice. please be sure i'm never deliberately nice to anyone, even you. everything i say is because i feel it. but with you, its like, i feel like you're destined for something. and i dont know what the hell it will be. but theres something so special about you that i've never seen the same in another human being.
i dont believe in anything much. but something is telling me you're the 'one'. and hell, its not telling it, its screaming it. when i'm with you i feel like we're two sides of the same magic. the spell just doesnt work the same with anyone else.
maybe i'm insane, we've only been together 1.5 months, but i know you are the only man i ever want to kiss for the rest of my life.
it's scary, giving your heart to someone, especially when the guy before never gave it back. so i wont give you my heart, ill keep it, you wanted me to anyway. but i will give you everything i am. i'll bear you the very depths of my soul.. i'll let you know me like no-one has known me before. i want you to understand me more than i do myself and in return i want to be everything you need. i want to hold you when you're sad, share your happiness with you, take away your pain.
if you were here and said "baby will you marry me tomorrow?" i'd say "fuck that, marry me today".
in my mind and my heart, the places where it really matters, you are already my soulmate. i don't need a piece of paper to tell me i found true love. i have found the one i want to spend the rest of my life with. i have found the one i want to be the father to my children. i have found the one i would die for. the one who saved my life without even realising it himself.
if it wasn't for you i have no doubt i'd be dead baby. as horrible as that sounds, the way i feel sometimes is just unbearable. but i have you, and you pull me up and make me feel alive. you are the only person who has ever made me doubt being an atheist. because in every other way a godless world makes perfect sense, until i think of you. i honestly feel like if there is a god, he gave you to me to save my life.
you make me want to wake up every morning. you make me want to keep breathing in and out.
everything i am, i owe to you.
without you i'm nothing. with you i'm everything.
you complete me baby.
i love you so much. i hope i can make you feel loved and happy. please never doubt the strength of my love for you. until i am in your arms i just ask you to have faith in me, and i'll have faith in you. this next year will be the hardest of my life, because being apart from you feels like a physical pain in my gut. but it WILL be worth it.
love like ours can survive long distance. i have no doubt that love like ours can survive death.
in every way that matters jesse, i feel like i'm already your wifey,
i will never stop loving you.
yours always,
B
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
02:42
i said i'd go to sleep but before i do i want to write you a decent email. its 8pm for you, 1am for me.
it feels like even time is laughing at us sometimes. why does it have to be my morning and your night? why did i have to find the man i want to spend the rest of my life with, and him to be so far away?
when i say that though, i feel so spoilt. because i found you. my one in seven billion. i can't complain in the face of such fortune.
i know i am not perfect, i'm shallow, i'm not half as intelligent as people think, i can be clingy, needy, bitchy, and sometimes down right mean. but i feel like i must have done something right somewhere along the line. because here i am, with you.
i know that we're on the verge of something incredible. the greatest love story ever told. our story. the beginning of the rest of our lives together... and in the scale of things what is one more year as opposed to 60+ years living together for the rest of our days. its nothing.. and it gives us time to get to know each other, and sort our finances out etc.. its time we need.
so i dont begrudge it.
and i dont hate the distance. because if i can feel something pulling me towards you from 1400 miles away then when we meet it will be pure electricity.
when you're not here i find my mind willing to cross an ocean for you. i want to leave everything i have behind and just start afresh with you. i would give up everything for that to happen, and if its necessary i will. i dont need money, i dont need fancy clothes, a nice house or a nice car. i dont even need to be near my family, even though i love my parents so much. i dont need anything in this fucking world except you.
its funny, i always feel like im walking around in the dark fumbling for the light switch, but when im with you you make the lights turn on. everyone else is just like a distant star, you're blinding sunlight. i always felt like that about you btw. and thats why so many people love you, because your personality is so incredible it does the unthinkable, makes people HAPPY. you have a gift in a way i guess, you can bring so much joy into so many people's lives such by being you. i wish i had your way with people.
i have always known there is something deeply special and unique about you. your compassion, your integity, just talking to you i knew there was so much more to you beneath the surface. you're funny and kind, but its not that, its something deeper, its like when im with you i can see your soul so clearly i can reach out and touch it. and its beautiful. its incredible.
i wish i'd told you this when we were friends so you dont just think i'm saying it to be nice. please be sure i'm never deliberately nice to anyone, even you. everything i say is because i feel it. but with you, its like, i feel like you're destined for something. and i dont know what the hell it will be. but theres something so special about you that i've never seen the same in another human being.
i dont believe in anything much. but something is telling me you're the 'one'. and hell, its not telling it, its screaming it. when i'm with you i feel like we're two sides of the same magic. the spell just doesnt work the same with anyone else.
maybe i'm insane, we've only been together 1.5 months, but i know you are the only man i ever want to kiss for the rest of my life.
it's scary, giving your heart to someone, especially when the guy before never gave it back. so i wont give you my heart, ill keep it, you wanted me to anyway. but i will give you everything i am. i'll bear you the very depths of my soul.. i'll let you know me like no-one has known me before. i want you to understand me more than i do myself and in return i want to be everything you need. i want to hold you when you're sad, share your happiness with you, take away your pain.
if you were here and said "baby will you marry me tomorrow?" i'd say "fuck that, marry me today".
in my mind and my heart, the places where it really matters, you are already my soulmate. i don't need a piece of paper to tell me i found true love. i have found the one i want to spend the rest of my life with. i have found the one i want to be the father to my children. i have found the one i would die for. the one who saved my life without even realising it himself.
if it wasn't for you i have no doubt i'd be dead baby. as horrible as that sounds, the way i feel sometimes is just unbearable. but i have you, and you pull me up and make me feel alive. you are the only person who has ever made me doubt being an atheist. because in every other way a godless world makes perfect sense, until i think of you. i honestly feel like if there is a god, he gave you to me to save my life.
you make me want to wake up every morning. you make me want to keep breathing in and out.
everything i am, i owe to you.
without you i'm nothing. with you i'm everything.
you complete me baby.
i love you so much. i hope i can make you feel loved and happy. please never doubt the strength of my love for you. until i am in your arms i just ask you to have faith in me, and i'll have faith in you. this next year will be the hardest of my life, because being apart from you feels like a physical pain in my gut. but it WILL be worth it.
love like ours can survive long distance. i have no doubt that love like ours can survive death.
in every way that matters jesse, i feel like i'm already your wifey,
i will never stop loving you.
yours always,
B
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sunday 19 September 2010
people, as a rule, are a disappointment.
they look but they do not see.
they take but they do not give.
they answer but they do not question.
pathetic. the gormless looks on their subservient faces.
newborn babies that have not yet taken their first breath.
i want to smack life into them.
ignorance isn't a reality, it's a choice.
they look but they do not see.
they take but they do not give.
they answer but they do not question.
pathetic. the gormless looks on their subservient faces.
newborn babies that have not yet taken their first breath.
i want to smack life into them.
ignorance isn't a reality, it's a choice.
manic ideas
confusion compounds my sentiments. the zenith of my day rises to its close at 3am.
within me my internal maelstrom rages. malevolence mixed with innocence.
thoughts rattle my mind like an angry child shaking a bird cage. i can flutter inside the golden bars that confine me, but i cannot escape.
forever trapped.
forever hunted.
the prisoner of thoughts.
the same thoughts that empower me develop into monsters within my mind.
the thoughts i create break out of my laboratory, mix with the air and take on their own consciousness.
possessed with a fervent and destructive desire far beyond the power of their creator.
brief moments of internal nirvana, my ideas lay before me in perfect clarity. intelligence, passion and love melded into a thought so powerful it no longer needs me, the shell that enabled its inception.
leaving this world with a supernova's light i see only it's afterburn. the orginal is burnt from my mind by the nuclear brightness it leaves behind.
it fades like candy floss melting on a wet tongue.
after the thought, a sense of loss.
like seeing truth. only to later be told it wass just another lie.
within me my internal maelstrom rages. malevolence mixed with innocence.
thoughts rattle my mind like an angry child shaking a bird cage. i can flutter inside the golden bars that confine me, but i cannot escape.
forever trapped.
forever hunted.
the prisoner of thoughts.
the same thoughts that empower me develop into monsters within my mind.
the thoughts i create break out of my laboratory, mix with the air and take on their own consciousness.
possessed with a fervent and destructive desire far beyond the power of their creator.
brief moments of internal nirvana, my ideas lay before me in perfect clarity. intelligence, passion and love melded into a thought so powerful it no longer needs me, the shell that enabled its inception.
leaving this world with a supernova's light i see only it's afterburn. the orginal is burnt from my mind by the nuclear brightness it leaves behind.
it fades like candy floss melting on a wet tongue.
after the thought, a sense of loss.
like seeing truth. only to later be told it wass just another lie.
Saturday 18 September 2010
lost to eternal longing
it's an amazing feeling, to fall in love. to slowly unwrap the layers so that you see everything at its rawest and most beautiful.
what an incredible night last night was. laughing with friends until my voice was raw; drinking until the world lost its focus and became a parody of itself; inhaling smoke that took me to another world where the air is easier to breathe.
and then there was you. it was as if for one night there was just us. no fuzz, no distractions, with my eyes closed i could sense your presence, there with me. if i could i would meld you to my soul so you never have to leave.
you do to to me what spring does to cherry trees. you started my revolution. you picked me up bruised and broken from the darkest winter and led me to the sun.
together we make our own religion, you are my god. infallible, touchable, tender, cruel, you are whatever i need you to be. like a pilgrim in search of salvation, you began to be irreplaceable for me long before i had heard of you.
lying in bed with you is as if i have shrugged off the world. my passion for you is an eternal fire. consumed by lust and need I greedily beg for your presence. desire - the word even sounds like a moan.
we are bound together like an onion. layer upon layer of understanding. you know what i want, you know what i need. you are my mirror, a perfect reflection of myself in a male body.
although you are 1400 miles away you are tied to me by invisible threads. my need for you is near addiction.
everything in life is uncertain.
except my soul is burning.
oh, and what you asked me last night, if you meant it i would have said yes.
what an incredible night last night was. laughing with friends until my voice was raw; drinking until the world lost its focus and became a parody of itself; inhaling smoke that took me to another world where the air is easier to breathe.
and then there was you. it was as if for one night there was just us. no fuzz, no distractions, with my eyes closed i could sense your presence, there with me. if i could i would meld you to my soul so you never have to leave.
you do to to me what spring does to cherry trees. you started my revolution. you picked me up bruised and broken from the darkest winter and led me to the sun.
together we make our own religion, you are my god. infallible, touchable, tender, cruel, you are whatever i need you to be. like a pilgrim in search of salvation, you began to be irreplaceable for me long before i had heard of you.
lying in bed with you is as if i have shrugged off the world. my passion for you is an eternal fire. consumed by lust and need I greedily beg for your presence. desire - the word even sounds like a moan.
we are bound together like an onion. layer upon layer of understanding. you know what i want, you know what i need. you are my mirror, a perfect reflection of myself in a male body.
although you are 1400 miles away you are tied to me by invisible threads. my need for you is near addiction.
everything in life is uncertain.
except my soul is burning.
oh, and what you asked me last night, if you meant it i would have said yes.
Friday 17 September 2010
In the psychological literature, depression is often seen as a defense against sadness. But I’ll take sadness any day. There is no contest. Sadness carries identification. You know where it’s been and you know where it’s headed. Depression carries no papers. It enters your country unannounced and uninvited. Its origins are unknown, but its destination always dead-ends in you.
All their 'helpful' comments imply that if I'd only do_______, my problems would be solved. Like it's all within my grasp, able to be managed and mastered, if only I would try harder, longer, better. As I nod my head in polite and pathetic appreciation for their input, I scream inside, 'Shut up. Shut up. Unless you've been lost in this particular section of hell yourself, don't you dare try to give me directions.
All their 'helpful' comments imply that if I'd only do_______, my problems would be solved. Like it's all within my grasp, able to be managed and mastered, if only I would try harder, longer, better. As I nod my head in polite and pathetic appreciation for their input, I scream inside, 'Shut up. Shut up. Unless you've been lost in this particular section of hell yourself, don't you dare try to give me directions.
Thursday 16 September 2010
Wednesday 15 September 2010
Our love has been the thread through the labyrinth, the net under the high-wire walker, the only real thing in this strange life of mine that I could ever trust. Tonight I feel that my love for you has more density in this world than I do, myself: as though it could linger on after me and surround you, keep you, hold you.
Tuesday 14 September 2010
Every relationship has at least one really good day. What I mean is, no matter how sour things go, there’s always that day. That day is always in your possession. That’s the day you remember. You get old and you think: well, at least I had that day. It happened once. You think all the variables might just line up again. But they don’t. Not always.
I had that day yesterday, I had that day the day before. Every day with you is better than the last. And i find hoping beyond hope within myself that you can be the one I love forever. But to even think of it as more than a translucent hope scares me.
Nothing is permanent. If I could I would let my love for you burn a hole in time so it echoes down the ages.
I had that day yesterday, I had that day the day before. Every day with you is better than the last. And i find hoping beyond hope within myself that you can be the one I love forever. But to even think of it as more than a translucent hope scares me.
Nothing is permanent. If I could I would let my love for you burn a hole in time so it echoes down the ages.
For J
You and I
Have so much love,
That it
Burns like a fire,
In which we bake a lump of clay
Molded into a figure of you
And a figure of me.
Then we take both of them,
And break them into pieces,
And mix the pieces with water,
And mold again a figure of you,
And a figure of me.
I am in your clay.
You are in my clay.
In life we share a single quilt.
In death we will share one coffin.
Have so much love,
That it
Burns like a fire,
In which we bake a lump of clay
Molded into a figure of you
And a figure of me.
Then we take both of them,
And break them into pieces,
And mix the pieces with water,
And mold again a figure of you,
And a figure of me.
I am in your clay.
You are in my clay.
In life we share a single quilt.
In death we will share one coffin.
i need to kill something in me, this awful feeling like worms tunneling along my nerves. when i discovered the razor blade, cutting, if you’ll believe me, was my gesture of hope. all the chaos, the sound and fury, the uncertainty and confusion and despair — all of it evaporated in an instant, and i was for that moment grounded, coherent, whole. here is the irreducible self. i drew the line in the sand, marked my body as mine, its flesh and its blood under my command.
Monday 13 September 2010
i wanted a perfect ending. now i've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, it's about taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
i'm scared. because i feel it, in my veins. inside of me. a dark passenger in my body that manifests itself in bruises and swollen glands. it tries to destroy me once in a while and then it submerges itself, for a week, a month, a year, 5 years. for a while it lies dormant and forgotten, beneath the surface like a well of burning lava, waiting for the next seismic crush to smash through the surface and envelop my world in the next natural disaster.
i feel like hiroshima - the morning after, bathed in the cold nuclear light. my malignant mind stunned by the realisation that there can be no doing back. the future will always be a melee of distorted dna and congential pain.
i cannot take it back.
i cannot undo the dots.
i will always be the fall out.
i will always be the nuclear bomb that went off.
i will always be remembered.
i'm scared. because i feel it, in my veins. inside of me. a dark passenger in my body that manifests itself in bruises and swollen glands. it tries to destroy me once in a while and then it submerges itself, for a week, a month, a year, 5 years. for a while it lies dormant and forgotten, beneath the surface like a well of burning lava, waiting for the next seismic crush to smash through the surface and envelop my world in the next natural disaster.
i feel like hiroshima - the morning after, bathed in the cold nuclear light. my malignant mind stunned by the realisation that there can be no doing back. the future will always be a melee of distorted dna and congential pain.
i cannot take it back.
i cannot undo the dots.
i will always be the fall out.
i will always be the nuclear bomb that went off.
i will always be remembered.
queen b's relationship rules:
1. there shalt be NO mushrooms of the magical variety consumed by MY boyfriend.
2. there shalt be NO saying no to my sexual advances.
3. there shalt be NO cheating with people, animals, children, or family members.
4. there shalt be NO perving on Taylor Swift.
5. there shalt be NO ignoring of Mrs Ortiz.
i love you jesse <3
2. there shalt be NO saying no to my sexual advances.
3. there shalt be NO cheating with people, animals, children, or family members.
4. there shalt be NO perving on Taylor Swift.
5. there shalt be NO ignoring of Mrs Ortiz.
i love you jesse <3
Sunday 12 September 2010
Saturday 11 September 2010
bipolar
Ideas are moving so fast they’re stumbling over each other and I begin to get this sense of power-power over other people. I begin to feel that what I think and do is of significance to those around me, even to the universe at large. I think of myself as having special insight, as understanding things that others do not, and with a special capacity to lead. I recognize now that these are warning signs.
There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you’re high it’s tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars….But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against--you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable….It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.
There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you’re high it’s tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars….But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against--you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable….It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.
Wednesday 8 September 2010
i lie here, searching for something intangible beneath my skin. my soul. it occurs to me that i might not have one.
all my life i have felt different from the pack. a lone predator amongst a field of sheep. i do not feel how they feel. i do not know how they feel.
i always said there is no such thing as good or evil. maybe though, there is just no such thing as good or evil for me.
maybe every emotion ive ever expressed is just a desire to feel something in the first place. maybe every cut is an attempt to dig through my skin and find out who i am on the inside.
i am not like you. i'm better. and i wont apologise for that fact. i have given up so much humanity to be this dark goddess that the price for my superiority is indeed my soul.
i tried to be a sheep. i am not a sheep. and i can't hide anymore, i dont want to.
all my life i have felt different from the pack. a lone predator amongst a field of sheep. i do not feel how they feel. i do not know how they feel.
i always said there is no such thing as good or evil. maybe though, there is just no such thing as good or evil for me.
maybe every emotion ive ever expressed is just a desire to feel something in the first place. maybe every cut is an attempt to dig through my skin and find out who i am on the inside.
i am not like you. i'm better. and i wont apologise for that fact. i have given up so much humanity to be this dark goddess that the price for my superiority is indeed my soul.
i tried to be a sheep. i am not a sheep. and i can't hide anymore, i dont want to.
Monday 6 September 2010
does it even matter that once again I lie in my bed, tears streaming down my face, not wanting to exist?
it isn't the first night. it won't be the last.
even my depression is average nowadays. like me.
i don't want to live a life crippled in the cess pit of mediocrity. i want to set myself on fire, so for one brief moment i light up the world instead of darken it.
my fingers scratch across my wrists, gauging at my skin, desperate to tear apart my veins and end my life.
they look so innocent, my veins. a tree branch frozen in ice. what i want to destroy is much deeper and well hidden. it is my very essence. lurking inside me like a dark fog which i can never exorcise.
self harm is pointless. the only thing that will cure me of me is self-annihilation. i hate my gutlessness. how hard is it really, to kill yourself?
a gun.
a noose.
pills.
a bridge.
drowning.
burning.
suffocation.
poisoning.
car crash.
drugs.
slit wrists.
with so many options i feel like a child in a sweet shop. i want to experience them all. i deserve it. if only i could kill myself twice.
it isn't the first night. it won't be the last.
even my depression is average nowadays. like me.
i don't want to live a life crippled in the cess pit of mediocrity. i want to set myself on fire, so for one brief moment i light up the world instead of darken it.
my fingers scratch across my wrists, gauging at my skin, desperate to tear apart my veins and end my life.
they look so innocent, my veins. a tree branch frozen in ice. what i want to destroy is much deeper and well hidden. it is my very essence. lurking inside me like a dark fog which i can never exorcise.
self harm is pointless. the only thing that will cure me of me is self-annihilation. i hate my gutlessness. how hard is it really, to kill yourself?
a gun.
a noose.
pills.
a bridge.
drowning.
burning.
suffocation.
poisoning.
car crash.
drugs.
slit wrists.
with so many options i feel like a child in a sweet shop. i want to experience them all. i deserve it. if only i could kill myself twice.
Sunday 5 September 2010
There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.....the sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and Hope.
Saturday 4 September 2010
happyhappyhappyhappyhappy
-- Previous Private Message --
Sent by : puertoRICAN
Sent : 03 Sep 2010 at 9:20pm
:D You fuc*king amaze me baby, not a day go's by where i am not completely dumb-founded that i am with you. i always felt like i was just sitting on the side line watching you, asking myself "Why do i feel this way for her... whats so important?" I was just trying to confuse myself into not loving you, so i could stop hurting all the time. But with time, there was no denying, or letting go, your perfect in every way, what i have always looked for in a woman and in NE person. Some1 who completes me, makes me laugh, calls me out on my own bullsh1t, open-minded, fearless, compassionate, understanding, caring, trust-worth and BEAUTIFUL! Your just to amazing to even describe, i can not wait to hold you in my arms, kiss you and tell you how much i love you to your face. 8/16/11
We both have our own lil self-issues about "im not good enuff" i dont deserve you" blah blah blah, but thats not real, each person deserves somebody, some1 who they can completely trust with there life and are willing to spend every single day waking up, talking to, paying bills, enjoying life, going to bed, having a family ext.... And you are that person. No1 will ever fill the space you have taken from my heart, and its a god thing, i will give you my heart, its like collateral, telling you, this is real, it will work, i have complete trust in not only you, but in us, i love you baby!
I wont lie, it scares me to know that we are separated by the ocean and are so far apart, i mean, 90% of the time, people in our situation never can seem to work it out, its only right that i would be scared or worried. BUT, i am absolutely determined to make it work, so thats 50%, and it seems like you want it as bad as i do, so i know that we are both in this for real, and i will not stop untill the day i get off the plane, and be able to call that place my home, and you my future wife! It will be a long process, but looking ahead to the end, it will be more the worth it, i can grantee you that much mami.
***edited so he doesnt kill me for puttign this bit in****
I would give up so much to be with you, nothing means more to me then you. i am still nervous and i guess scared in a way, but i know that when the time comes, it will be be natural and the best day of my life! I mean, meeting the woman i already know i love.... Why am i scared?? lol, just normal i guess. Just like when you sit by the girl you have a crush on in the bus, you know you like her and she likes you, but your completely speechless...... except, i do not have a crush on you... i am completly in love with you... so diff story... :)
I care for you more then i could even describe, your my everything and if NEthing were to happen to you, more then 1 life would be lost. I feel connected to you, and that we both share a pulse. (I hope to god i did not just curse you to be doomed 2marow... D:< )
I love you Bev, if i could go back in time, i would have told you from the start how i felt, what you do to me, and the way you make me feel. your amazing and the most beautiful person i have ever had the pleasure of knowing. <3333
I love my lil princess, more then NEthing in the world.
Sent by : puertoRICAN
Sent : 03 Sep 2010 at 9:20pm
:D You fuc*king amaze me baby, not a day go's by where i am not completely dumb-founded that i am with you. i always felt like i was just sitting on the side line watching you, asking myself "Why do i feel this way for her... whats so important?" I was just trying to confuse myself into not loving you, so i could stop hurting all the time. But with time, there was no denying, or letting go, your perfect in every way, what i have always looked for in a woman and in NE person. Some1 who completes me, makes me laugh, calls me out on my own bullsh1t, open-minded, fearless, compassionate, understanding, caring, trust-worth and BEAUTIFUL! Your just to amazing to even describe, i can not wait to hold you in my arms, kiss you and tell you how much i love you to your face. 8/16/11
We both have our own lil self-issues about "im not good enuff" i dont deserve you" blah blah blah, but thats not real, each person deserves somebody, some1 who they can completely trust with there life and are willing to spend every single day waking up, talking to, paying bills, enjoying life, going to bed, having a family ext.... And you are that person. No1 will ever fill the space you have taken from my heart, and its a god thing, i will give you my heart, its like collateral, telling you, this is real, it will work, i have complete trust in not only you, but in us, i love you baby!
I wont lie, it scares me to know that we are separated by the ocean and are so far apart, i mean, 90% of the time, people in our situation never can seem to work it out, its only right that i would be scared or worried. BUT, i am absolutely determined to make it work, so thats 50%, and it seems like you want it as bad as i do, so i know that we are both in this for real, and i will not stop untill the day i get off the plane, and be able to call that place my home, and you my future wife! It will be a long process, but looking ahead to the end, it will be more the worth it, i can grantee you that much mami.
***edited so he doesnt kill me for puttign this bit in****
I would give up so much to be with you, nothing means more to me then you. i am still nervous and i guess scared in a way, but i know that when the time comes, it will be be natural and the best day of my life! I mean, meeting the woman i already know i love.... Why am i scared?? lol, just normal i guess. Just like when you sit by the girl you have a crush on in the bus, you know you like her and she likes you, but your completely speechless...... except, i do not have a crush on you... i am completly in love with you... so diff story... :)
I care for you more then i could even describe, your my everything and if NEthing were to happen to you, more then 1 life would be lost. I feel connected to you, and that we both share a pulse. (I hope to god i did not just curse you to be doomed 2marow... D:< )
I love you Bev, if i could go back in time, i would have told you from the start how i felt, what you do to me, and the way you make me feel. your amazing and the most beautiful person i have ever had the pleasure of knowing. <3333
I love my lil princess, more then NEthing in the world.
Friday 3 September 2010
I am a conglomerate garbage heap of loose ends—selfish, scared, contemplating... going...anywhere, anywhere, where the burden, the terrifying hellish weight of self-responsibility and ultimate self-judgment is lifted. I can see ahead only into dark, sordid alleys, where the dregs, the sludge, the filth of my life lies, unglorified, unchanged—transfigured by nothing: no nobility, not even the illusion of a dream. Reality is what I make it. That is what I have said I believed. Then I look at the hell I am wallowing in, nerves paralyzed, action nullified—fear, envy, hate: all the corrosive emotions of insecurity biting away at my sensitive guts. Time, experience: the colossal wave, sweeping tidal over me, drowning, drowning. How can I ever find that permanence, that continuity with past and future, that communication with other human beings that I crave? Can I ever honestly accept an artificial imposed solution? How can I justify, how can I rationalize the rest of my life away?
I look at other people and I think, “He lives without meds. She does. What is wrong with me? Am I so biochemically screwed up, so neurotic, so narcissistically self-absorbed that every hour is an obstacle course for me?” I don’t know, but this can’t continue. I feel like I am dying. A slow torturous death. And the worst thing is that I’m taking other people along for the ride. But I swear, I don’t know how to do it differently.
I am afraid. Afraid of managing the desolation of each second. Afraid that I won’t make it to the next hour. These feelings are still so alien to me. Time used to be something I loved to play with, to tease, to race. But there is no contest now.
Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern. Just the slow erosion of the self, as insidious as any cancer. And, like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience. A room in hell with only your name on the door. I realize that every person, at some point, takes up residence in one or another of these rooms. But that realization offers no great comfort now.
Depression is not a sudden disaster. It is more like a cancer: At first its tumorous mass is not even noticeable to the careful eye, and then one day—wham!—there is a huge, deadly seven-pound lump lodged in your brain or your stomach or your shoulder blade, and this thing that your own body has produced is actually trying to kill you. Depression is a lot like that: Slowly, over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and mind, a computer program for total negativity will build into your system, making life feel more and more unbearable. But you won’t even notice it coming on, thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getting older, about turning eight or twelve or turning fifteen, and then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live.
I am afraid. Afraid of managing the desolation of each second. Afraid that I won’t make it to the next hour. These feelings are still so alien to me. Time used to be something I loved to play with, to tease, to race. But there is no contest now.
Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern. Just the slow erosion of the self, as insidious as any cancer. And, like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience. A room in hell with only your name on the door. I realize that every person, at some point, takes up residence in one or another of these rooms. But that realization offers no great comfort now.
Depression is not a sudden disaster. It is more like a cancer: At first its tumorous mass is not even noticeable to the careful eye, and then one day—wham!—there is a huge, deadly seven-pound lump lodged in your brain or your stomach or your shoulder blade, and this thing that your own body has produced is actually trying to kill you. Depression is a lot like that: Slowly, over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and mind, a computer program for total negativity will build into your system, making life feel more and more unbearable. But you won’t even notice it coming on, thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getting older, about turning eight or twelve or turning fifteen, and then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live.
Thursday 2 September 2010
journals of madness: tales from the inside pt1
All the romantic nonsense about depression somehow making one into a creature of unique sensibilities is easy to agree with when I feel good. Then I’m sharper, superior for having weathered something terribly difficult, or just plain pleased at having narrowly gotten away with something once again—like the snow day after the night’s homework I didn’t do. All of it stands up in the light, but it’s bullshit in the shadows. I don’t care about unique sensibilities. All I care about is surviving. My goal in life is just to get through the days
Happy yet suicidal
It’s a physical urge, huger and stronger than thirst or sex. Halfway back on the left side of my head there is a spot that yearns, that longs, that pleads for the jolt of a bullet. I want that rage, that fire, that final empty rip. I want to be let out of this dark cavern, to open myself up to the ease of not-living. I am tired of sorrow and struggle and worry. ... I want to turn out the last light.
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