i hate love

have you ever been in love? horrible isn’t it? it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. you build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…you give them a piece of you. they didn’t ask for it. they did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. it hurts. not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. it’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. i hate love.

my anxiety is getting worse and worse. my mind just can’t let go of the past, the memories, the mistakes, the emptiness of tomorrow, and everything in between that i haven’t written down. i just want to get this useless life over with. i’m DONE. and to think, i have 50+ years of suffering to endure in this shithole of a life i’ve created for myself. my mum keeps telling me to pursue the things that would make me happy, but it isn’t a THING – it’s a person that i wish to spend my life with that would make me happy and get me out of this misery. i feel the void every single waking minute that i’m “alive,” and i’m tired of it. will i ever get over you? will you ever let me find peace or will you haunt my heart forever?

rant at men.

women have more opportunities than men to get laid. i mean, have you LOOKED at the guys complaining that they can't get any? they have bad haircuts, they don't bathe, and they have no concept of how to dress. they tuck shirts into pants so that we can see their beer guts hanging out over their belts. urgh! and they try the LAMEST lines on women who look like they just stepped off the fashion pages of vogue. i mean, if all we are talking about is sex here, and raw sexual attraction, let's face it, the bulk of the male race is damned UGLY. you want to get laid? try looking HALF as good as the woman you are drooling over.

a silent echo rings through me
like a mountains mad crash
the scream of a mad man
released from closed lips

the answers fail the questions
time should mend it all
but i know i don't want to
forget that you were there

and i know there's no tomorrow
yesterday has left you there
but i feel you here with me
but i can't reach you to touch

you never said you were going
but i still hear your voice
today is here without you
flowers grow where you rest

in a rabbit-fear i may hurl myself under the wheels of the car because the lights terrify me, and under the dark blind death of wheels i will be safe. i am very tired, very banal, very confused. i do not know who i am tonight. i wanted to walk until i drop and not complete the inevitable circle of coming home.

i thought about ending it but the skin of my wrist looked so white and defensless that i couldn't do it. it was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get.

i wonder why i don't go to bed and go to sleep. but then it would be tomorrow, so i decide that no matter how tired, no matter how incoherent i am, i can skip on hour more of sleep and live