I cry because the future has once again found its sparkle and has grown a million times larger. And I cry because I am ashamed of how badly I have treated the people I love – of how badly I behaved during my own personal Dark Ages– back before i had a future. It is like today the sky opened up and only now am I allowed to enter.
Showing posts with label thomas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thomas. Show all posts
Saturday, 25 December 2010
To all the people in my life,
this goes out to every person who has come into my life and taught me something, i love you for it.
to every person who caught me when i fell, over and over again - one day i will catch you.
to my beautiful, intelligent, sparkling, spectacular friends - i adore you, you complete me, and i can't imagine life without you.
to my parents - i respect you more than you know and know you half as well as i'd like, i'm going to change that.
thomas - what a year my dear! we've been to hell and back together, but im happy to call you my friend and blessed to have you in my life. i'm sorry sometimes if i take out my moods on you, or criticise you more than a friend should. i will never ever forgive myself for the way i treated you. and i don't really talk about that a lot, because it's one thing i've done which really disgusts me, and for you to actually speak to me after that, let alone forgive me and be pretty much my bestfriend/soulmate shows what a kind and wonderful person you really are. you're my best friend, and i care about you enormously and will always love you, so i say it straight - sometimes maybe too straight, but it's the way i am as you know. have an awesome vacation, i'll write lots and take some pics for me! can't wait to see you in 2011 and touch fingers like ET at the airport, hehe. i miss you, even though we've never met i still feel like you're missing!
jesse - keep making me proud, believe in your dreams and follow your heart. i love you and never ever want to lose you. ever, ever, ever. i guess i hope we can talk a while tomorrow, if we do it will make my christmas day :)
"i'd catch a grenade for you
put my hand on a blade for you
i'd jump in front of a train for ya
you know i'd do anything for ya "
bruno says it better than i can, but i mean every word. have an amazing christmas and just enjoy the time with your family. no sadness mister, not on my account. you deserve all the happiness in the world.
carlo - sometimes i think we're actually quite alike in terms of our sadness, i really think we might be suffering from the same thing. we have days we're happy, and days we're sad. but ultimately we get on with it and always come out fighting. i admire you so much for just keeping on keeping on, being brave and trying to look for the goodness in everything. i hope you have an amazing christmas, enjoy your 2 christmas dinners :)
finally, last but always in my eyes first:
dave - another year without you, it doesnt really get any easier. i have days where i sometimes hate you, but even more times i remember you with love. we only have memories now, and all out dreams are dead. but you were the love of my life, and maybe if souls really do transcend death, one day we can be together again. it's a romantic thought, but it's one that's got me through many a dark night. so please, save me a space my the fire, i'll be a while yet baby x
merry christmas everybody - this is the first year i've said that and actually meant it.
Love B xxx
to every person who caught me when i fell, over and over again - one day i will catch you.
to my beautiful, intelligent, sparkling, spectacular friends - i adore you, you complete me, and i can't imagine life without you.
to my parents - i respect you more than you know and know you half as well as i'd like, i'm going to change that.
thomas - what a year my dear! we've been to hell and back together, but im happy to call you my friend and blessed to have you in my life. i'm sorry sometimes if i take out my moods on you, or criticise you more than a friend should. i will never ever forgive myself for the way i treated you. and i don't really talk about that a lot, because it's one thing i've done which really disgusts me, and for you to actually speak to me after that, let alone forgive me and be pretty much my bestfriend/soulmate shows what a kind and wonderful person you really are. you're my best friend, and i care about you enormously and will always love you, so i say it straight - sometimes maybe too straight, but it's the way i am as you know. have an awesome vacation, i'll write lots and take some pics for me! can't wait to see you in 2011 and touch fingers like ET at the airport, hehe. i miss you, even though we've never met i still feel like you're missing!
jesse - keep making me proud, believe in your dreams and follow your heart. i love you and never ever want to lose you. ever, ever, ever. i guess i hope we can talk a while tomorrow, if we do it will make my christmas day :)
"i'd catch a grenade for you
put my hand on a blade for you
i'd jump in front of a train for ya
you know i'd do anything for ya "
bruno says it better than i can, but i mean every word. have an amazing christmas and just enjoy the time with your family. no sadness mister, not on my account. you deserve all the happiness in the world.
carlo - sometimes i think we're actually quite alike in terms of our sadness, i really think we might be suffering from the same thing. we have days we're happy, and days we're sad. but ultimately we get on with it and always come out fighting. i admire you so much for just keeping on keeping on, being brave and trying to look for the goodness in everything. i hope you have an amazing christmas, enjoy your 2 christmas dinners :)
finally, last but always in my eyes first:
dave - another year without you, it doesnt really get any easier. i have days where i sometimes hate you, but even more times i remember you with love. we only have memories now, and all out dreams are dead. but you were the love of my life, and maybe if souls really do transcend death, one day we can be together again. it's a romantic thought, but it's one that's got me through many a dark night. so please, save me a space my the fire, i'll be a while yet baby x
merry christmas everybody - this is the first year i've said that and actually meant it.
Love B xxx
Wednesday, 15 December 2010
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
seconds. minutes. hours. days.
find what you want and stop at nothing to achieve it.
bleed for it.
cry for it.
lust for it.
die for it.
but never. ever. give up.
we are given one life. it's finite. it will be taken from you when you least expect it, whether that will be silently in your sleep, or screaming as a passenger in my car.
once the clock stops. that's it. you are done. no false starts. no second chances. you either devour the world like a hungry hooker, or you let it devour you.
if you live your life missing bullets you might get shot. but some things are worth dying for.
find that something. and if you have to, be prepared to die for it.
everyone has a talent. what is rare is the courage to follow talent to the dark place where it leads.
find your centre. let it be like the splitting of the atom. explode upon the world.
bleed for it.
cry for it.
lust for it.
die for it.
but never. ever. give up.
we are given one life. it's finite. it will be taken from you when you least expect it, whether that will be silently in your sleep, or screaming as a passenger in my car.
once the clock stops. that's it. you are done. no false starts. no second chances. you either devour the world like a hungry hooker, or you let it devour you.
if you live your life missing bullets you might get shot. but some things are worth dying for.
find that something. and if you have to, be prepared to die for it.
everyone has a talent. what is rare is the courage to follow talent to the dark place where it leads.
find your centre. let it be like the splitting of the atom. explode upon the world.
Monday, 13 September 2010
i wanted a perfect ending. now i've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, it's about taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
i'm scared. because i feel it, in my veins. inside of me. a dark passenger in my body that manifests itself in bruises and swollen glands. it tries to destroy me once in a while and then it submerges itself, for a week, a month, a year, 5 years. for a while it lies dormant and forgotten, beneath the surface like a well of burning lava, waiting for the next seismic crush to smash through the surface and envelop my world in the next natural disaster.
i feel like hiroshima - the morning after, bathed in the cold nuclear light. my malignant mind stunned by the realisation that there can be no doing back. the future will always be a melee of distorted dna and congential pain.
i cannot take it back.
i cannot undo the dots.
i will always be the fall out.
i will always be the nuclear bomb that went off.
i will always be remembered.
i'm scared. because i feel it, in my veins. inside of me. a dark passenger in my body that manifests itself in bruises and swollen glands. it tries to destroy me once in a while and then it submerges itself, for a week, a month, a year, 5 years. for a while it lies dormant and forgotten, beneath the surface like a well of burning lava, waiting for the next seismic crush to smash through the surface and envelop my world in the next natural disaster.
i feel like hiroshima - the morning after, bathed in the cold nuclear light. my malignant mind stunned by the realisation that there can be no doing back. the future will always be a melee of distorted dna and congential pain.
i cannot take it back.
i cannot undo the dots.
i will always be the fall out.
i will always be the nuclear bomb that went off.
i will always be remembered.
Monday, 30 August 2010
every day i think of you, and every day i wonder. why do you hesitate, all alone?
i don't suppose you're afraid that the sea will rise up in big, stormy waves. if only flowing water could look back. please take me away with you. if flowing water could be changed into me then tears would fall. if i were clear flowing water, i would never look back. time never stops flowing. it passes by, never to return, and the flowers on the tree burst into bloom, the blossoms so beautiful. flowers fade and bloom again, but who can understand?
i'm a star; you, a cloud. was our love too shallow, or was it fate that kept us apart? today you must accept all that lies before you.
don't ask where love comes from. love is like a song or a painted scroll.
i hope you won't forget me.
the wind came to ask me what loneliness is , but i'm too young. what do i know of loneliness? another cloud drifted over and asked me, is love a kind of happiness? but until i understand romance how can i know if it's a kind of joy? how can i know joy when all i've experienced is malice?
i don't suppose you're afraid that the sea will rise up in big, stormy waves. if only flowing water could look back. please take me away with you. if flowing water could be changed into me then tears would fall. if i were clear flowing water, i would never look back. time never stops flowing. it passes by, never to return, and the flowers on the tree burst into bloom, the blossoms so beautiful. flowers fade and bloom again, but who can understand?
i'm a star; you, a cloud. was our love too shallow, or was it fate that kept us apart? today you must accept all that lies before you.
don't ask where love comes from. love is like a song or a painted scroll.
i hope you won't forget me.
the wind came to ask me what loneliness is , but i'm too young. what do i know of loneliness? another cloud drifted over and asked me, is love a kind of happiness? but until i understand romance how can i know if it's a kind of joy? how can i know joy when all i've experienced is malice?
Friday, 20 August 2010
it's so dark now. and so cold.
i sit here for 15 minutes between each word i write.
as if waiting for some self-actualisation that never comes.
there are no stars in the sky. there is no moon. there is no laughter. there is no gossip. there are no friends. there is nothing to disctract me from feeling.
i dont want to feel. i have spent a lifetime learning not to feel. i do not want to unlearn it.
my earliest emotion was blinding hate. a hatred i held so strongly that it took away the power to speak. it was this hatred that i held so vehemenly and compulsively that rendered me completely unable to feel any other emotion. hatred was my sun, happiness, hope, every other emotion, just stars, too far away to ever touch me. occasionally i would gaze upon them and will them into my life, but i had no more of an ability to make them appear than i could turn back the tides or fly to the moon.
hate blinded me. imagine a 4 year old with a burning desire to kill. i should have been playing with dolls, instead i mutilated them. at school we had to draw pictures of our family for easter project. i drew you trying to kill me. it was the only picture they didn't put on the wall.
i was brought up to belive in god. i prayed every day. i prayed for revenge. i prayed to hurt you as you had hurt me. i prayed not to have the nightmares. it soon became clear to me that if there was a god, he did not like me. i probably lost my religion when i was 5 and my mum found me stabbing jesus's eye's out of the picture version bible with the end of some scissors. his eyes scared me, because they were blue and cold like yours were.
i remember when you died that i was devestated. its funny that that coincided with the time i started cutting my arms and legs. i had no friends at school, i was bald from chemo and the other kids thought i has a disease, noone would have noticed the cutting if i wasnt sick. i remember the doctors telling me that my immune system was so weak from the cancer treatments that cutting myself could give me infections and kill me. they shouldnt have said that really, because it made me hurt myself more. i hacked at my body so bad when i was 13 that they took me away for a while to hospital. it had white walls and angry people. i remember the sound of crying. i thought it was strange because i didnt cry. ever. when i was in the hopsital the nurses realised that every night i smothered myself with a pillow in order to sleep. the funny part was that i didnt realise this was abnormal. i thought everyone pushed their head into their pillow, depriving themselves of air, in order to sleep. afterall, i'd been doing it for the last 8 years. i didnt know HOW to sleep normally.
i felt close to you in the hopsital. i liked it. i liked it because the pain felt exquisitely beautiful and clear. not the dull throb in the back of my head that you are now. i felt like i could reach out and touch you. that you would come back for me. i wanted to take you with me.
as i grew older i grew colder. the fire to kill you dimmed a little. i met dave. a product of a broken home, in his own way as battered and vulnerable as me. i remember laying in his arms and feeling safe. i remember love. after so many years of feeling nothing the dam finally broke and let loose a tidle wave of emotion. it is the way i have always loved from then on. with everything i have.
i have always been scared of losing love. because nothing lasts. i was convinced dave did not love me. i was sure of it. he said he loved me with everything he had. i said he didn't care. i gave him everything i had, but i never was able to feel love. when he killed himself i willed it to be me. i blamed myself, for this wonderful person dying thinking that he could never show me how much he loved me.
i didnt eat. i didnt sleep. i wanted to dissapear. all i had was nirvana. he was kurt. i was courtney. i listened to those CD's to death. they made me cry. after 18 years of not crying i finally cryed. it was liberating. its probably ridiculous to any "normal" person, but crying was a break through. crying was a release. you even took away my tears.
its 20 years since you destroyed my life. its 20 years since you poured the arsnic into my veins. 20 years of pain and hurt and broken hearts.
i am incapable of feeling love. no matter how much i give i can't feel anything back. i make excuses. i run. i destroy everything beautiful that has ever entered my life.
i found love. i found someone fn incredible. i found hope. i found a future. i found a reason.
i destroyed it all. because YOU took something from me that day. you took something from me that i will NEVER get back. you took away the ability for me to feel LOVE! you took away my humanity. you took away my fu cking soul.
ALL THAT'S LEFT OF ME IS A FUCKING SHELL OF A PERSON WHO IS SCREAMING TO BE FREE.
you didnt take my innocence that day. you took it every day for the next 20 years.
you didnt just cut me once. you cut me every day for the next 20 years.
you didnt just destroy your life. you destroyed mine.
there is no going back.
there is no going forward.
this is the cliff. you made me walk it.
i tried.
i tried so fucking hard.
i tried to be normal.
i loved with everything i had.
i tried to be a good person.
as good as i knew how.
i didnt want to die
i wanted a life
i wanted a family
i wanted to feel loved. for the first time in my life i did.
and you took it all away.
i hated you.
but now i realise that the only person i hated
all along wasn't you.
it's me.
i'm the one who destroyed my fucking life.
and i used you as an excuse all along.
you didn't kill me.
i did.
fml............. now i actually have to do it.
i sit here for 15 minutes between each word i write.
as if waiting for some self-actualisation that never comes.
there are no stars in the sky. there is no moon. there is no laughter. there is no gossip. there are no friends. there is nothing to disctract me from feeling.
i dont want to feel. i have spent a lifetime learning not to feel. i do not want to unlearn it.
my earliest emotion was blinding hate. a hatred i held so strongly that it took away the power to speak. it was this hatred that i held so vehemenly and compulsively that rendered me completely unable to feel any other emotion. hatred was my sun, happiness, hope, every other emotion, just stars, too far away to ever touch me. occasionally i would gaze upon them and will them into my life, but i had no more of an ability to make them appear than i could turn back the tides or fly to the moon.
hate blinded me. imagine a 4 year old with a burning desire to kill. i should have been playing with dolls, instead i mutilated them. at school we had to draw pictures of our family for easter project. i drew you trying to kill me. it was the only picture they didn't put on the wall.
i was brought up to belive in god. i prayed every day. i prayed for revenge. i prayed to hurt you as you had hurt me. i prayed not to have the nightmares. it soon became clear to me that if there was a god, he did not like me. i probably lost my religion when i was 5 and my mum found me stabbing jesus's eye's out of the picture version bible with the end of some scissors. his eyes scared me, because they were blue and cold like yours were.
i remember when you died that i was devestated. its funny that that coincided with the time i started cutting my arms and legs. i had no friends at school, i was bald from chemo and the other kids thought i has a disease, noone would have noticed the cutting if i wasnt sick. i remember the doctors telling me that my immune system was so weak from the cancer treatments that cutting myself could give me infections and kill me. they shouldnt have said that really, because it made me hurt myself more. i hacked at my body so bad when i was 13 that they took me away for a while to hospital. it had white walls and angry people. i remember the sound of crying. i thought it was strange because i didnt cry. ever. when i was in the hopsital the nurses realised that every night i smothered myself with a pillow in order to sleep. the funny part was that i didnt realise this was abnormal. i thought everyone pushed their head into their pillow, depriving themselves of air, in order to sleep. afterall, i'd been doing it for the last 8 years. i didnt know HOW to sleep normally.
i felt close to you in the hopsital. i liked it. i liked it because the pain felt exquisitely beautiful and clear. not the dull throb in the back of my head that you are now. i felt like i could reach out and touch you. that you would come back for me. i wanted to take you with me.
as i grew older i grew colder. the fire to kill you dimmed a little. i met dave. a product of a broken home, in his own way as battered and vulnerable as me. i remember laying in his arms and feeling safe. i remember love. after so many years of feeling nothing the dam finally broke and let loose a tidle wave of emotion. it is the way i have always loved from then on. with everything i have.
i have always been scared of losing love. because nothing lasts. i was convinced dave did not love me. i was sure of it. he said he loved me with everything he had. i said he didn't care. i gave him everything i had, but i never was able to feel love. when he killed himself i willed it to be me. i blamed myself, for this wonderful person dying thinking that he could never show me how much he loved me.
i didnt eat. i didnt sleep. i wanted to dissapear. all i had was nirvana. he was kurt. i was courtney. i listened to those CD's to death. they made me cry. after 18 years of not crying i finally cryed. it was liberating. its probably ridiculous to any "normal" person, but crying was a break through. crying was a release. you even took away my tears.
its 20 years since you destroyed my life. its 20 years since you poured the arsnic into my veins. 20 years of pain and hurt and broken hearts.
i am incapable of feeling love. no matter how much i give i can't feel anything back. i make excuses. i run. i destroy everything beautiful that has ever entered my life.
i found love. i found someone fn incredible. i found hope. i found a future. i found a reason.
i destroyed it all. because YOU took something from me that day. you took something from me that i will NEVER get back. you took away the ability for me to feel LOVE! you took away my humanity. you took away my fu cking soul.
ALL THAT'S LEFT OF ME IS A FUCKING SHELL OF A PERSON WHO IS SCREAMING TO BE FREE.
you didnt take my innocence that day. you took it every day for the next 20 years.
you didnt just cut me once. you cut me every day for the next 20 years.
you didnt just destroy your life. you destroyed mine.
there is no going back.
there is no going forward.
this is the cliff. you made me walk it.
i tried.
i tried so fucking hard.
i tried to be normal.
i loved with everything i had.
i tried to be a good person.
as good as i knew how.
i didnt want to die
i wanted a life
i wanted a family
i wanted to feel loved. for the first time in my life i did.
and you took it all away.
i hated you.
but now i realise that the only person i hated
all along wasn't you.
it's me.
i'm the one who destroyed my fucking life.
and i used you as an excuse all along.
you didn't kill me.
i did.
fml............. now i actually have to do it.
Thursday, 19 August 2010
Friday, 13 August 2010
my american boy
its hard giving everything to the one that never wanted it.
it's easy to love you. you love me with everything you've got. you give me everything i need. when i come to you bleeding and broken you clean me up, make me laugh, make me smile, make me whole again.
i will never give up. i will get better, one day i will have something to give back. one day my cuts will heal and i'll be flawless again. when that day comes then i will give you my everything. no-one deserves it more.
thank you for breathing for me when i find it too hard to breathe for myself.
thank you for giving me a reason to live.
thank you for giving me hope.
i will always be undeserving of you. but i will try to be the best person i can be for you. you deserve no less.
thank you for seeing this imperfect person perfectly.
thank you for being you.
ily papi x
it's easy to love you. you love me with everything you've got. you give me everything i need. when i come to you bleeding and broken you clean me up, make me laugh, make me smile, make me whole again.
i will never give up. i will get better, one day i will have something to give back. one day my cuts will heal and i'll be flawless again. when that day comes then i will give you my everything. no-one deserves it more.
thank you for breathing for me when i find it too hard to breathe for myself.
thank you for giving me a reason to live.
thank you for giving me hope.
i will always be undeserving of you. but i will try to be the best person i can be for you. you deserve no less.
thank you for seeing this imperfect person perfectly.
thank you for being you.
ily papi x
Sunday, 25 July 2010
i freeze before the keyboard. i can't think of a damn thing to say. no poems, no prose, no words. the pain cannot even be alchemized into art, into words, into something you can chalk up to an interesting experience because the pain itself, its intensity, is so great that it has woven itself into my system so deeply that there is no way to objectify it or push it outside or find its beauty within.
i realise now that homesickness is just a state of mind for me. i'm always missing someone or someplace or something. i'm always trying to get back to some imaginery somewhere. my life has been one long longing. all I can remember are goodbyes. sometimes someone will be standing in front of me, and I already feel them walking away.
don't leave me tonight.
i realise now that homesickness is just a state of mind for me. i'm always missing someone or someplace or something. i'm always trying to get back to some imaginery somewhere. my life has been one long longing. all I can remember are goodbyes. sometimes someone will be standing in front of me, and I already feel them walking away.
don't leave me tonight.
Saturday, 24 July 2010
WE GOT BACK TOGETHER!!!
xXLuc1FeRx 3:06 am
baby, you're not hardly anything. you're thomas, my thomas. you're the reason i'm still alive. you're the only person in 6 billion that i want to spend my life with. idc if you want to climb everest or go to the moon, thats about what you want to DO, not what you are. i guess i want to help you see how beautiful you really are. how when you laugh in a way thats so fn geeky its the best sound i've heard in my life. i know i love you, because you can hurt me so badly, but when you do, all i think about are the times you've made me smile. you dont have to take risks for me, you dont have to be someone you are not. all i ask is that you love me, that you'll give me your heart and not look back. i know i'm not perfect and i don't deserve anyone to love me as much as you do. when i look back at my life, all the happiest times have been with you. i know i havent met you yet. but i know your soul, or at least i think i do. i'm sat here cryign my eyes out, not because im sad, but because i realise how much i fn love you. and i realise how scared i am. because nothing in mmy life ever lasts. every time i open my heart to something and dream it crumbles and breaks and leaves me close to death. i know you cant say this will work. i can't either. i just, want you to love me and never doubt it. for me true love doesn't just fill your heart, it overflows into your whole body and soul. i could never doubt you. even for an instant. and the fact that you doubted you loved me broke my heart. i know its only a little thing and maybe i'm too fragile. but the one thing i have in my life that i knew was certain, in a whole world of uncertainties was torn from under me.
drokun@live.nl 3:08 am
i love you.
i dont know why id ever doubt that
i try to give you all that i am
ive never come across as confident
ive always been the one doubting
incapable of making decisions
but i made a decision
and i know its the right one
i love you
i really
really
really
dont want you
to ever
doubt that again
xXLuc1FeRx 3:11 am
then can i be your princess?
drokun@live.nl 3:11 am
ill make you my goddes
baby, you're not hardly anything. you're thomas, my thomas. you're the reason i'm still alive. you're the only person in 6 billion that i want to spend my life with. idc if you want to climb everest or go to the moon, thats about what you want to DO, not what you are. i guess i want to help you see how beautiful you really are. how when you laugh in a way thats so fn geeky its the best sound i've heard in my life. i know i love you, because you can hurt me so badly, but when you do, all i think about are the times you've made me smile. you dont have to take risks for me, you dont have to be someone you are not. all i ask is that you love me, that you'll give me your heart and not look back. i know i'm not perfect and i don't deserve anyone to love me as much as you do. when i look back at my life, all the happiest times have been with you. i know i havent met you yet. but i know your soul, or at least i think i do. i'm sat here cryign my eyes out, not because im sad, but because i realise how much i fn love you. and i realise how scared i am. because nothing in mmy life ever lasts. every time i open my heart to something and dream it crumbles and breaks and leaves me close to death. i know you cant say this will work. i can't either. i just, want you to love me and never doubt it. for me true love doesn't just fill your heart, it overflows into your whole body and soul. i could never doubt you. even for an instant. and the fact that you doubted you loved me broke my heart. i know its only a little thing and maybe i'm too fragile. but the one thing i have in my life that i knew was certain, in a whole world of uncertainties was torn from under me.
drokun@live.nl 3:08 am
i love you.
i dont know why id ever doubt that
i try to give you all that i am
ive never come across as confident
ive always been the one doubting
incapable of making decisions
but i made a decision
and i know its the right one
i love you
i really
really
really
dont want you
to ever
doubt that again
xXLuc1FeRx 3:11 am
then can i be your princess?
drokun@live.nl 3:11 am
ill make you my goddes
if you ever doubt me
| read this. there are all quotes about love that rung so true to me that i saved them in a word document on my PC and called it "iwillalwaysloveyou": <3 Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each one with a reason why I love you. I was doing great until I ran out of stars. <3 True love is not how you forgive, but how you forget, not what you see but what you feel, not how you listen but how you understand, and not how you let go but how you hold on. <3 You are my soul mate, my sweetheart, you are my dream come true, from now until the end of time I give my heart and soul to you. <3 True love is not being with someone because you think you can be happy with that person, but because without that person you know you can never be. <3 If you love someone, let them go. If they dont come back they were never yours...if they come back, there yours to keep. <3 If the sky where made of paper and the ocean my ink well; I still wouldn't be able to describe how much I love you, and how wonderful you make me feel when I am with you. <3 To live life without you is to live life without love. <3 True love does not worry about the distance between, for the heart and soul travels through one's words. <3 true love is when you can read every single one of these quotes and only think of one person <3 Love is true when there aren't words to describe how you feel and actions never seem to be enough. <3 True love knows no boundaries. It is the people involved who create them. <3 there's only one place in the world I call home, and it's because you're there. <3 If you were to measure the fire of our love it would put hell to shame. <3 Because I love you my nights are no longer dark. ------------------------------------------------------ i dont care if i love you more. from now on you get my everything. if this doesnt work it will break my heart because i love you so much. but you're worth the risk, and if im not with you then i don't need a heart anyway, so i dont care if it gets broken. i love you so much that if i had only one wish for you, it would be for you to someday be able to love someone as much as i have always loved you. true love is being scared and doing it anyway. not caring if you get anything back for what you've given. just knowing that you smiled when you read this, makes everything worthwhile. until i met you i thought that the best ending a love story can have was "happy ever after" now i realise that true love doesn't have an ending. tonight i realised that i don't want to be anyone else, because you only love me. |
Friday, 23 July 2010
what do you write when you lost the last thing you wanted to live for and all that's left are the things to die for?
how do you fix what has always been broken? how do you put back together something when you never knew how it was meant to look like in the first place? you can try and fix it, but it will always be rough around the edges, and misplaced, too raw, different to the rest.
how do you fix what has always been broken? how do you put back together something when you never knew how it was meant to look like in the first place? you can try and fix it, but it will always be rough around the edges, and misplaced, too raw, different to the rest.
Friday, 21 May 2010
Thomas..
You don't need to know any of this. But the things I don't reveal are the things I hold closest and fear losing the most. I work overtime keeping them veiled and camouflaged. You don't need to know that I walk around all day fearing the things that make me happy, and that I have been doing that for my entire life. Infact you don't need to carry on reading any more of this. Stop right here and walk away, because these are my thoughts, and they scare me.
Firstly, nobody wants to admit this, but bad things will keep on happening. Maybe that's because it's all a chain, and a long time ago someone did the first bad thing, and that led someone else to do another bad thing, and so on. You know, like that game where you whisper a sentence into someones' ear, and that person whispers it to someone else, and it all comes out wrong in the end. But then again, maybe bad things happen because it's the only way we can keep remembering what good is supposed to look like.
I think a person's life is supposed to be like a DVD. You can see the version everyone else sees or you can choose the director's cut - the way he wanted you to see it, before everything else got in the way. There are menus, probably, so that you can start at the good spots and not have to relive the bad ones. You can measure your life by the number of scenes you've survived, or the minutes you've been stuck there. Probably though, life is more like one of those surveillance tapes. Grainy, no matter how hard you stare at it. And looped: the same thing, over and over. That's how my life feels, a neverending cycle of cancer and recovery. Getting my hopes up and having them shattered. Another year, another organ. Another month, another course of chemo. If my life was a movie it'd be so monotonous it wouldn't even make it to Canne's.
Despite all this crap sometimes you meet somebody, And you know that whatever you did before, It must have been right. Because nothing you've done could be too bad, Or have gone too far wrong, because it led you to this person. I don't belive in destiny, but i want to, because i wan't be believe mine is you.
You might think of me as just some girl, but I want you to know that I'm that one girl who took one look into your heart and fell harder for you than I've ever fallen for anyone in my life.
It's amazing to me how you can just say these small little things, one sentence and it changes the way I feelin an instant. Small little words that can hurt me so much or make me fall more deeply in love.
Love scares me. I never really truely loved anyone since i loved Dave, I realise that now, they were all perfectly nice in their own way, but they didn't unhinge my soul. After Dave I guess I didn't have a hinge left. When he died, it felt like the hole in your gum when a tooth falls out. You can chew, you can eat, you have plenty of other teeth, but your tongue keeps going back to that empty place, where all the nerve endings are still a little raw. After Dave I tried to never, ever get my hopes up. This is why you should see the glass as half empty. So when the whole thing spills, you aren't as devastated.
I learned that getting mad was easier than being sad. Anger was something I could control. I could settle into an easy rhythm of blame and hate. Focus energy on something other than the ache in my heart. And for a long time after he died i hated everyoen and everything. But mainly i hated myself, and blamed myself everyday for his death. It's hard living with the daily guilt that you effectively killed the one you love. It changes people. And when Dave died, part of me did too.
But that's all ancient history now. 5 years on and i'm with you.
I read once that the ancient Egyptians had 50 words for sand, and the Eskimos had a 100 words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but language fails me. All I know is that I want to be a girl falling asleep in a boy’s arms and not caring about anything else in the world, except how I feel right there with him. I close my eyes, inhale, and feel a rush of heat and energy that takes my breath away. It's the feeling of wanting something so much that it borders on an actual need, and the power and urgency of this need overwhelms me. I want to be with you. In your arms, in your bed.
I giveyou my heart and that's all I can give you, and if that's not enough, then I'm not enough.
Firstly, nobody wants to admit this, but bad things will keep on happening. Maybe that's because it's all a chain, and a long time ago someone did the first bad thing, and that led someone else to do another bad thing, and so on. You know, like that game where you whisper a sentence into someones' ear, and that person whispers it to someone else, and it all comes out wrong in the end. But then again, maybe bad things happen because it's the only way we can keep remembering what good is supposed to look like.
I think a person's life is supposed to be like a DVD. You can see the version everyone else sees or you can choose the director's cut - the way he wanted you to see it, before everything else got in the way. There are menus, probably, so that you can start at the good spots and not have to relive the bad ones. You can measure your life by the number of scenes you've survived, or the minutes you've been stuck there. Probably though, life is more like one of those surveillance tapes. Grainy, no matter how hard you stare at it. And looped: the same thing, over and over. That's how my life feels, a neverending cycle of cancer and recovery. Getting my hopes up and having them shattered. Another year, another organ. Another month, another course of chemo. If my life was a movie it'd be so monotonous it wouldn't even make it to Canne's.
Despite all this crap sometimes you meet somebody, And you know that whatever you did before, It must have been right. Because nothing you've done could be too bad, Or have gone too far wrong, because it led you to this person. I don't belive in destiny, but i want to, because i wan't be believe mine is you.
You might think of me as just some girl, but I want you to know that I'm that one girl who took one look into your heart and fell harder for you than I've ever fallen for anyone in my life.
It's amazing to me how you can just say these small little things, one sentence and it changes the way I feelin an instant. Small little words that can hurt me so much or make me fall more deeply in love.
Love scares me. I never really truely loved anyone since i loved Dave, I realise that now, they were all perfectly nice in their own way, but they didn't unhinge my soul. After Dave I guess I didn't have a hinge left. When he died, it felt like the hole in your gum when a tooth falls out. You can chew, you can eat, you have plenty of other teeth, but your tongue keeps going back to that empty place, where all the nerve endings are still a little raw. After Dave I tried to never, ever get my hopes up. This is why you should see the glass as half empty. So when the whole thing spills, you aren't as devastated.
I learned that getting mad was easier than being sad. Anger was something I could control. I could settle into an easy rhythm of blame and hate. Focus energy on something other than the ache in my heart. And for a long time after he died i hated everyoen and everything. But mainly i hated myself, and blamed myself everyday for his death. It's hard living with the daily guilt that you effectively killed the one you love. It changes people. And when Dave died, part of me did too.
But that's all ancient history now. 5 years on and i'm with you.
I read once that the ancient Egyptians had 50 words for sand, and the Eskimos had a 100 words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but language fails me. All I know is that I want to be a girl falling asleep in a boy’s arms and not caring about anything else in the world, except how I feel right there with him. I close my eyes, inhale, and feel a rush of heat and energy that takes my breath away. It's the feeling of wanting something so much that it borders on an actual need, and the power and urgency of this need overwhelms me. I want to be with you. In your arms, in your bed.
I giveyou my heart and that's all I can give you, and if that's not enough, then I'm not enough.
Friday, 14 May 2010
tonight.
tonight i decided not to breathe anymore, but willing myself to stop didn't make it so.
tonight i realised that things would never be the same again, but you've not figured that out yet.
tonight i saw a picture of myself and thought i looked pretty, but behind my eyes i was dead.
tonight i hurt you and felt too sad to make you feel better.
tonight i realised people are disposable, because i can turn a switch in my mind and they're dead to me.
tonight i realised you're my romeo, but i dont deserve to be your juliet.
tonight no matter how much i tried, i always failed.
tonight no matter how many times i said sorry, i knew you'd never forgive me.
tonight i felt so low that i wanted to get high.
tonight i felt so broken that i wanted to stamp on my pieces instead of fix them.
tonight i rot in my skin, a piece of me dies every day.
tonight i know i'm nothing, and theres nothing i can say.
tonight i realised i couldn't live through another day.
tonight my throat got so tight from crying i could barely breathe.
tonight i realised that being remembered doesnt matter, neither does being liked, all that matters is being dead.
tonight i realised i'm selfish enough to do it.
tonight i realised that i need a cure for me, not a cure for cancer.
tonight i waited for the dawn and the sun, but it never came, only clouds and rain.
tonight i found the only way to lose the feeling of sadness is to lose hope entirely.
tonight i didn't cut myself, not because i was strong, but because i didn't want to feel better.
tonight if i killed myself no-one would save me, but it didn't stop me from trying.
tonight i wished that love survives death.
iLy more than life <3
tonight i realised that things would never be the same again, but you've not figured that out yet.
tonight i saw a picture of myself and thought i looked pretty, but behind my eyes i was dead.
tonight i hurt you and felt too sad to make you feel better.
tonight i realised people are disposable, because i can turn a switch in my mind and they're dead to me.
tonight i realised you're my romeo, but i dont deserve to be your juliet.
tonight no matter how much i tried, i always failed.
tonight no matter how many times i said sorry, i knew you'd never forgive me.
tonight i felt so low that i wanted to get high.
tonight i felt so broken that i wanted to stamp on my pieces instead of fix them.
tonight i rot in my skin, a piece of me dies every day.
tonight i know i'm nothing, and theres nothing i can say.
tonight i realised i couldn't live through another day.
tonight my throat got so tight from crying i could barely breathe.
tonight i realised that being remembered doesnt matter, neither does being liked, all that matters is being dead.
tonight i realised i'm selfish enough to do it.
tonight i realised that i need a cure for me, not a cure for cancer.
tonight i waited for the dawn and the sun, but it never came, only clouds and rain.
tonight i found the only way to lose the feeling of sadness is to lose hope entirely.
tonight i didn't cut myself, not because i was strong, but because i didn't want to feel better.
tonight if i killed myself no-one would save me, but it didn't stop me from trying.
tonight i wished that love survives death.
iLy more than life <3
Thursday, 13 May 2010
Monday, 3 May 2010
Monday, 12 April 2010
i hate love
have you ever been in love? horrible isn’t it? it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. you build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…you give them a piece of you. they didn’t ask for it. they did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. it hurts. not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. it’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. i hate love.
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