You don't need to know any of this. But the things I don't reveal are the things I hold closest and fear losing the most. I work overtime keeping them veiled and camouflaged. You don't need to know that I walk around all day fearing the things that make me happy, and that I have been doing that for my entire life. Infact you don't need to carry on reading any more of this. Stop right here and walk away, because these are my thoughts, and they scare me.
Firstly, nobody wants to admit this, but bad things will keep on happening. Maybe that's because it's all a chain, and a long time ago someone did the first bad thing, and that led someone else to do another bad thing, and so on. You know, like that game where you whisper a sentence into someones' ear, and that person whispers it to someone else, and it all comes out wrong in the end. But then again, maybe bad things happen because it's the only way we can keep remembering what good is supposed to look like.
I think a person's life is supposed to be like a DVD. You can see the version everyone else sees or you can choose the director's cut - the way he wanted you to see it, before everything else got in the way. There are menus, probably, so that you can start at the good spots and not have to relive the bad ones. You can measure your life by the number of scenes you've survived, or the minutes you've been stuck there. Probably though, life is more like one of those surveillance tapes. Grainy, no matter how hard you stare at it. And looped: the same thing, over and over. That's how my life feels, a neverending cycle of cancer and recovery. Getting my hopes up and having them shattered. Another year, another organ. Another month, another course of chemo. If my life was a movie it'd be so monotonous it wouldn't even make it to Canne's.
Despite all this crap sometimes you meet somebody, And you know that whatever you did before, It must have been right. Because nothing you've done could be too bad, Or have gone too far wrong, because it led you to this person. I don't belive in destiny, but i want to, because i wan't be believe mine is you.
You might think of me as just some girl, but I want you to know that I'm that one girl who took one look into your heart and fell harder for you than I've ever fallen for anyone in my life.
It's amazing to me how you can just say these small little things, one sentence and it changes the way I feelin an instant. Small little words that can hurt me so much or make me fall more deeply in love.
Love scares me. I never really truely loved anyone since i loved Dave, I realise that now, they were all perfectly nice in their own way, but they didn't unhinge my soul. After Dave I guess I didn't have a hinge left. When he died, it felt like the hole in your gum when a tooth falls out. You can chew, you can eat, you have plenty of other teeth, but your tongue keeps going back to that empty place, where all the nerve endings are still a little raw. After Dave I tried to never, ever get my hopes up. This is why you should see the glass as half empty. So when the whole thing spills, you aren't as devastated.
I learned that getting mad was easier than being sad. Anger was something I could control. I could settle into an easy rhythm of blame and hate. Focus energy on something other than the ache in my heart. And for a long time after he died i hated everyoen and everything. But mainly i hated myself, and blamed myself everyday for his death. It's hard living with the daily guilt that you effectively killed the one you love. It changes people. And when Dave died, part of me did too.
But that's all ancient history now. 5 years on and i'm with you.
I read once that the ancient Egyptians had 50 words for sand, and the Eskimos had a 100 words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but language fails me. All I know is that I want to be a girl falling asleep in a boy’s arms and not caring about anything else in the world, except how I feel right there with him. I close my eyes, inhale, and feel a rush of heat and energy that takes my breath away. It's the feeling of wanting something so much that it borders on an actual need, and the power and urgency of this need overwhelms me. I want to be with you. In your arms, in your bed.
I giveyou my heart and that's all I can give you, and if that's not enough, then I'm not enough.
