it's so dark now. and so cold.

i sit here for 15 minutes between each word i write.

as if waiting for some self-actualisation that never comes.

there are no stars in the sky. there is no moon. there is no laughter. there is no gossip. there are no friends. there is nothing to disctract me from feeling.

i dont want to feel. i have spent a lifetime learning not to feel. i do not want to unlearn it.

my earliest emotion was blinding hate. a hatred i held so strongly that it took away the power to speak. it was this hatred that i held so vehemenly and compulsively that rendered me completely unable to feel any other emotion. hatred was my sun, happiness, hope, every other emotion, just stars, too far away to ever touch me. occasionally i would gaze upon them and will them into my life, but i had no more of an ability to make them appear than i could turn back the tides or fly to the moon.

hate blinded me. imagine a 4 year old with a burning desire to kill. i should have been playing with dolls, instead i mutilated them. at school we had to draw pictures of our family for easter project. i drew you trying to kill me. it was the only picture they didn't put on the wall.

i was brought up to belive in god. i prayed every day. i prayed for revenge. i prayed to hurt you as you had hurt me. i prayed not to have the nightmares. it soon became clear to me that if there was a god, he did not like me. i probably lost my religion when i was 5 and my mum found me stabbing jesus's eye's out of the picture version bible with the end of some scissors. his eyes scared me, because they were blue and cold like yours were.

i remember when you died that i was devestated. its funny that that coincided with the time i started cutting my arms and legs. i had no friends at school, i was bald from chemo and the other kids thought i has a disease, noone would have noticed the cutting if i wasnt sick. i remember the doctors telling me that my immune system was so weak from the cancer treatments that cutting myself could give me infections and kill me. they shouldnt have said that really, because it made me hurt myself more. i hacked at my body so bad when i was 13 that they took me away for a while to hospital. it had white walls and angry people. i remember the sound of crying. i thought it was strange because i didnt cry. ever. when i was in the hopsital the nurses realised that every night i smothered myself with a pillow in order to sleep. the funny part was that i didnt realise this was abnormal. i thought everyone pushed their head into their pillow, depriving themselves of air, in order to sleep. afterall, i'd been doing it for the last 8 years. i didnt know HOW to sleep normally.

i felt close to you in the hopsital. i liked it. i liked it because the pain felt exquisitely beautiful and clear. not the dull throb in the back of my head that you are now. i felt like i could reach out and touch you. that you would come back for me. i wanted to take you with me.

as i grew older i grew colder. the fire to kill you dimmed a little. i met dave. a product of a broken home, in his own way as battered and vulnerable as me. i remember laying in his arms and feeling safe. i remember love. after so many years of feeling nothing the dam finally broke and let loose a tidle wave of emotion. it is the way i have always loved from then on. with everything i have.

i have always been scared of losing love. because nothing lasts. i was convinced dave did not love me. i was sure of it. he said he loved me with everything he had. i said he didn't care. i gave him everything i had, but i never was able to feel love. when he killed himself i willed it to be me. i blamed myself, for this wonderful person dying thinking that he could never show me how much he loved me.

i didnt eat. i didnt sleep. i wanted to dissapear. all i had was nirvana. he was kurt. i was courtney. i listened to those CD's to death. they made me cry. after 18 years of not crying i finally cryed. it was liberating. its probably ridiculous to any "normal" person, but crying was a break through. crying was a release. you even took away my tears.

its 20 years since you destroyed my life. its 20 years since you poured the arsnic into my veins. 20 years of pain and hurt and broken hearts.

i am incapable of feeling love. no matter how much i give i can't feel anything back. i make excuses. i run. i destroy everything beautiful that has ever entered my life.

i found love. i found someone fn incredible. i found hope. i found a future. i found a reason.

i destroyed it all. because YOU took something from me that day. you took something from me that i will NEVER get back. you took away the ability for me to feel LOVE! you took away my humanity. you took away my fu cking soul.

ALL THAT'S LEFT OF ME IS A FUCKING SHELL OF A PERSON WHO IS SCREAMING TO BE FREE.

you didnt take my innocence that day. you took it every day for the next 20 years.
you didnt just cut me once. you cut me every day for the next 20 years.
you didnt just destroy your life. you destroyed mine.

there is no going back.
there is no going forward.
this is the cliff. you made me walk it.

i tried.
i tried so fucking hard.
i tried to be normal.
i loved with everything i had.
i tried to be a good person.
as good as i knew how.
i didnt want to die
i wanted a life
i wanted a family
i wanted to feel loved. for the first time in my life i did.
and you took it all away.
i hated you.
but now i realise that the only person i hated
all along wasn't you.
it's me.
i'm the one who destroyed my fucking life.
and i used you as an excuse all along.
you didn't kill me.
i did.

fml............. now i actually have to do it.