i wish i knew what average was. i know its somewhere to be found between agony and ecstacy, but i'm closer to finding camelot than mediocrity.
i feel too much. always. i love with the depths of my fucking soul. i hurt with an intensity that can be felt by every nerve in my body.
i know no middle ground.
esctatic.
suicidal.
angry.
loved.
heartbroken.
these are my only emotions.
there is no fine.
the closest i come to being fine is when im too exhasted to feel anymore.
i dont want to always be teatering on the edge of the cliff. i either want to jump or back the hell up and never look back.
why do i feel like even in my happiest moments that there is some deep inpenetrable sadness in my soul. why is there never JUST happiness.. why is there always a "but"?
how is it possible for someone to love me so much it makes me cry with the pure conviction of it and the joy it brings me. but 2 hours later i feel like cutting my arms just to see the blood. because i deserve to hurt.
i'm broken, and i really dont want to be broken anymore, i want to be fixed.
i never want to be average. so i dont care if i ever find it. but i want the ecstacy WITHOUT the agony. the joy without the pain. the love without the hate. the smiles without the tears.
