i freeze before the keyboard. i can't think of a damn thing to say. no poems, no prose, no words. the pain cannot even be alchemized into art, into words, into something you can chalk up to an interesting experience because the pain itself, its intensity, is so great that it has woven itself into my system so deeply that there is no way to objectify it or push it outside or find its beauty within.

i realise now that homesickness is just a state of mind for me. i'm always missing someone or someplace or something. i'm always trying to get back to some imaginery somewhere. my life has been one long longing. all I can remember are goodbyes. sometimes someone will be standing in front of me, and I already feel them walking away.

don't leave me tonight.