i love you
02:42
i said i'd go to sleep but before i do i want to write you a decent email. its 8pm for you, 1am for me.
it feels like even time is laughing at us sometimes. why does it have to be my morning and your night? why did i have to find the man i want to spend the rest of my life with, and him to be so far away?
when i say that though, i feel so spoilt. because i found you. my one in seven billion. i can't complain in the face of such fortune.
i know i am not perfect, i'm shallow, i'm not half as intelligent as people think, i can be clingy, needy, bitchy, and sometimes down right mean. but i feel like i must have done something right somewhere along the line. because here i am, with you.
i know that we're on the verge of something incredible. the greatest love story ever told. our story. the beginning of the rest of our lives together... and in the scale of things what is one more year as opposed to 60+ years living together for the rest of our days. its nothing.. and it gives us time to get to know each other, and sort our finances out etc.. its time we need.
so i dont begrudge it.
and i dont hate the distance. because if i can feel something pulling me towards you from 1400 miles away then when we meet it will be pure electricity.
when you're not here i find my mind willing to cross an ocean for you. i want to leave everything i have behind and just start afresh with you. i would give up everything for that to happen, and if its necessary i will. i dont need money, i dont need fancy clothes, a nice house or a nice car. i dont even need to be near my family, even though i love my parents so much. i dont need anything in this fucking world except you.
its funny, i always feel like im walking around in the dark fumbling for the light switch, but when im with you you make the lights turn on. everyone else is just like a distant star, you're blinding sunlight. i always felt like that about you btw. and thats why so many people love you, because your personality is so incredible it does the unthinkable, makes people HAPPY. you have a gift in a way i guess, you can bring so much joy into so many people's lives such by being you. i wish i had your way with people.
i have always known there is something deeply special and unique about you. your compassion, your integity, just talking to you i knew there was so much more to you beneath the surface. you're funny and kind, but its not that, its something deeper, its like when im with you i can see your soul so clearly i can reach out and touch it. and its beautiful. its incredible.
i wish i'd told you this when we were friends so you dont just think i'm saying it to be nice. please be sure i'm never deliberately nice to anyone, even you. everything i say is because i feel it. but with you, its like, i feel like you're destined for something. and i dont know what the hell it will be. but theres something so special about you that i've never seen the same in another human being.
i dont believe in anything much. but something is telling me you're the 'one'. and hell, its not telling it, its screaming it. when i'm with you i feel like we're two sides of the same magic. the spell just doesnt work the same with anyone else.
maybe i'm insane, we've only been together 1.5 months, but i know you are the only man i ever want to kiss for the rest of my life.
it's scary, giving your heart to someone, especially when the guy before never gave it back. so i wont give you my heart, ill keep it, you wanted me to anyway. but i will give you everything i am. i'll bear you the very depths of my soul.. i'll let you know me like no-one has known me before. i want you to understand me more than i do myself and in return i want to be everything you need. i want to hold you when you're sad, share your happiness with you, take away your pain.
if you were here and said "baby will you marry me tomorrow?" i'd say "fuck that, marry me today".
in my mind and my heart, the places where it really matters, you are already my soulmate. i don't need a piece of paper to tell me i found true love. i have found the one i want to spend the rest of my life with. i have found the one i want to be the father to my children. i have found the one i would die for. the one who saved my life without even realising it himself.
if it wasn't for you i have no doubt i'd be dead baby. as horrible as that sounds, the way i feel sometimes is just unbearable. but i have you, and you pull me up and make me feel alive. you are the only person who has ever made me doubt being an atheist. because in every other way a godless world makes perfect sense, until i think of you. i honestly feel like if there is a god, he gave you to me to save my life.
you make me want to wake up every morning. you make me want to keep breathing in and out.
everything i am, i owe to you.
without you i'm nothing. with you i'm everything.
you complete me baby.
i love you so much. i hope i can make you feel loved and happy. please never doubt the strength of my love for you. until i am in your arms i just ask you to have faith in me, and i'll have faith in you. this next year will be the hardest of my life, because being apart from you feels like a physical pain in my gut. but it WILL be worth it.
love like ours can survive long distance. i have no doubt that love like ours can survive death.
in every way that matters jesse, i feel like i'm already your wifey,
i will never stop loving you.
yours always,
B
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