ate: Sun, 19 Sep 2010 20:18:34 -0700
From: XXXXX@yahoo.com
Subject: Bev, i love you more then anything in this world............
To: XXXXX@hotmail.co.uk
oh my fucking gawd, you make me want to jump up and down like some retarded person on a television show when they just won a million dollars. But i did not win a bunch of money or prize's, i won something that no person could buy or receive as a gift. I have found something that takes people years to find, years to ask them self if what they have is real.i have won something that can really only be found once.i have won something that is so unbelievable i still ask myself how the hell i am so lucky. i won you, your love, something that means the world to me and i intend on keeping and sharing with you until the day that i die.
I know that the distance between us can be intimidating at times, and there are moments that i would want nothing more then to just kiss you, hold your hand or just have some sort of physical contact with you to show you i love you, and i cant. But i know that this is really no problem. Like you said, one year is nothing. Take in the fact that once i am over there, i will be with you for the rest of my life, it really does not seem that long. One year of getting to know more about the woman i love and just getting to know each other better so that when we meet, we wont be completely lost as to who the other person really is... Yea, not a problem at all.
I dunno, i know that you may feel "i'm shallow, i'm not half as intelligent as people think, i can be clingy, needy, bitchy, and sometimes down right mean." But i never see that. call it wishful thinking or whatever but when i talk to you or just hear something you say, i always manage to find something truly beautiful in your words and your voice. I try my hardest to be honest with you and i never want to lie to you, so know that i am telling the truth when i say that i find you to be the perfect woman every man searches for..The woman that kids dream about one day meeting, kissing, having kids, being happy with. And if to no one else, then to me. And i guess since its just me and you in this relationship, my word should mean something to you... You truly are my definition of perfection baby. <3
I hate being at work. I hate being with my family at times. I hate having to go out and shop. I hate when my mother does not cook and i have to go out, even tho i do not like my mom's cooking. I hate doing favors for people that make me get out of the house. I hate so many things for one reason. It takes me away from you. Our time is already to short and is precious. So i try and take advantage of what we have and i do not like when it has to be worse then it has to be... Maybe im greedy or to needy, i don't care. I love you and "our" time means a lot to me and id like to have as much of it as i can. i swear, when i am not with you, at times i just go fucking crazy. My mind just starts going into some panic mode trying to think of something else less painful.. it has never won. Nothing i do can take you out of my mind.. And to be honest, that's not a bad thing. I love thinking about you, it may hurt, but nothing means more to me then you.
Im not one to judge the way i am. What you said about me really made me feel happy. i try hard to make people happy and to at least attempt to make them laugh. i guess these last few years have been a little ruff on me.. i have been through a lot of sad periods, periods that i felt like killing myself would not only be my only shot at happiness, but that my family may be better off. Looking back, thinking like that is stupid and selfish. Yes, at times i may feel sad or down, and have a terrible pain deep in my heart, but killing myself would not help in any other way, and would only hurt the ones i loved. And had i gave up i would have never been able to find what i have always been missing. You. You were my cure to happiness and i feel like i took a lethal dose. Cuz i will love you until the day i die. (HOLY FUCK THAT WAS CORNY!)
But my point is, with all my moments of sadness and doubtfulness, i try and always cheer people up and make them feel good i guess. I don't want people to ever go through something that i went through, so its the least i can do. And that's not to say that like i have been through so much shit, my life really is not as bad as others, but its not the point. i just want people to be happy. I never really felt like anybody noticed until you. Like you were the person that really "deserved me" And i do not mean that in like a cocky sense, i mean that as in we deserved each other, and no one else. No one really needed me to be the person i am but you, your the one who deserves it. And if i had to put a smile on my face for a million people until the one person who deserved it finally saw it.. then i would... i did. i love you
For months, i knew that i loved you. No one made me laugh the way you did. No one could tell me something that made me want to bust out into tears the way your stories did. Not because there sad necessarily, but because of the pain in your heart and soul, it fucking killed me and i could feel some sort of a connection. I hated when i knew you were sad and mad. And you were only a "friend" at the time. Of course i would feel bad when somebody told me something sad and what not, but only when i heard you did i truly feel like i could connect and not only see how much you needed me, but how much i needed you in my life. Imagine waking up everyday, wishing for something truly awful to happen in order for something amazing to happen. When i say that, i am talking about the relationship you were in at the time, and its horrible. Both of you were my best friends, and i was so lonely. I just wanted a chance to make you happy. And at first i said "sure.. i can wait.."
Then one month turned to two...then three.... then four..... And you seemed truly happy, and i was happy for you. So i thought that i would let it go. But then, i knew i did not have a Strong crush or anything, i was in love. Because even tho i was happy for you, i wanted more. Again, i may be greedy, but i knew i would wait 10 fucking years if i had to, but you were the woman i wanted to live with, to make my wife, and to have children with.A couple months later, an opportunity arose, and "we" happened. It was so weird that night.. I finally said what i wanted to for months and i weight was lifted, the moments leading up to us saying "i love you" was so amazing, i had such a rush in my blood and i just felt so alive that i was dying.. if that makes sense.. Then when you said it back, i seriously smiled harder then i ever had. The most amazing moment in my entire life.. i will never forget it.
Im always here for you when you need me, do not feel afraid to talk to me... for whatever reason. Whatever it is, i want to try and help, and if i cant, then i want to share your pain, i do not like the thought of you carrying all that pain, beating yourself up about it and me being happy. I want to share the pain with you, make it easier to deal with, make you not feel alone, and that there is someone hear, with you to make you feel better, that's all i want to do. Keep your heart, Ill share mine with you as well. The fact is, without you, my heart would be useless. So keep yours, and take mine, you will never be heartless ever again. (You better get your heart back from him, or i will tell him to return it... >.< )
I hate to think about you killing yourself baby, and if u really mean what you said, then damn, i could not be happier then to be with you. You mean to much to me to see you go. Saving you may be the single greatest thing i have ever done, not only for myself, But for the world. You may not see it, but you truly are something special, and one of these days you will do something amazing and be noticed by a mass amount of people. Weather its a book, a movie, or what ever, you will do something incredible, its just up to you for what. Do not ever tell yourself that you are not special, you are and one day you and the world will see it.. i am just lucky to get a sneak peak. Cuz believe me, i know how special you are, and you mean more then anything to me. <33
I have nothing but faith in you baby, i know i may bring up past issues that may make you feel guilty, but im only joking and i will try to not do it as much. I wont lie, yes i may get a bit paranoid at times. But its not because i actually think you are going to go out and do something behind my back or some shit, its only because you mean so much to me that the thought of losing you fucking kills me and at times its only natural to run the "worst case scenario" in your head. I swear that i have faith in you, and when i think like that at times, its only me, not you. If anything, its just a constant reminder of how important you are to me, and make sure i don't do anything stupid for you to be mad at me or whatever. :P haha
Well, i said it once, ill say it again. If i had the chance, i have no doubt that i would ask you to marry me.. i may be young, but i do not feel i am rushing. I know what i want in a woman, i know what makes me happy, i know what is needed to make a relationship successful. And you fill out the application better then any other woman will ever be able to. Id drop on one knee and ask you to be my wife right now, i really would. I am that sure of not only you, but us, And i swear, when the time comes, i will make you feel loved, cared for, protected, needed and everything else every single day. And it wont be because im trying to be nice, it would be because its necessary. i do love you, your so special i feel i have to protect you, and i care so deeply about you that i would always try and show it. I know i am not perfect, but we are, and we will make one hell of a beautiful life for each other, but for our future children as well. i swear to you.
I love you bev. I have always loved you and i will always love you until the day i stop breathing. And if it is like it is in the movies, and my should raises from my body slowly drifting to ether heaven or hell, i will ether join you or wait patiently with my hand open waiting for you, and love you in the after life.
Hope you had a great sleep and feel good, have a great day at work and i will talk to you soon as i can.
I really do love you Bev, with every single piece of my being. You are the one i want to spend the rest of my life with, and you are the only woman i will ever love.
You are my everything, i am your anything. Without you, there is no me.
-Jesse
<333333
