6 months ago I promised you an explanation. It was the least of all that you deserved, yet at the time I couldn't bring myself to solidify the feelings into words. Now is my attempt to try, and if you delete this without going any futher I understand. But I had to write it, for me, and because I felt I owed it to you by way of obligation. I can't put right what I did, but I can try.
The funny thing about doing something so horrible like that, is at the time it didn't seem to matter, at the time I didn't see it as any more than just another come back in the bitchy little game we played for so long. The funny thing is that we weren't really the one's playing the game. We were just the pawns in someone else's game of chess. You never directly did anything to hurt me, it was all smoke and mirrors, my closest friends from the online world telling me things you'd done/said. Telling me about the way they had been treated by you etc. And it doesn't even matter who they are or what the issues at the time were, in retrospect it all seems so petty. The point is I shouldn't have listened to them and only believed what I, myself, saw.
At the time I posted the pictures because someone else was going to if i didn't on an alt account, and I didn't think that was fair. Kinda skewed logic to say the least, its not like i was exactly "helping" you. But in part my conscience used that to justify it.
I'm sorry. And the truth is i can't even put my finger on WHY at that precise moment I did it. I can't remember my feelings from that far back. All i was left with from the whole thing was not some satisfaction or any sort of pleasure from humiliating you like that. It was just sadness, and contempt for myself and the part of me that would actually do that to you.
Out of all the regrettable things I did in 2010, what I did to you is at the top of my list. And from the bottom of my heart, or failing that, whatever lurks in the depths of me, I am sorry.
I know our paths probably won't cross any more-I barely come on iam and haven't logged on ps3 in 4 months - but I still felt the need to send this, on new years eve, to close a chapter of my life i'm really not proud of.
The perverse reality of the whole thing is that you made me a better person. Mistakes don't define someone, they show them who they are not. And you showed me that i'm better than that.
If you ever need someone who owe's you a favour, then i'm that person. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I just had to try.
Happy New Year, and i do hope it's a good one for you and that you can find your happy. Being as i'll never probably speak to you again, I can be completely honest. But I don't find myself wanting to mention the bad things, I can only remember the good stuff - you made me laugh, were actually fun to be around, and damn girl, you're the best flirt in the business! ;) As for all the awful things I said - you are not fat, infact I think you are beautiful.
It's funny too, whenever I hear that song "California Girls" on the radio, I think of you.
Goodbye Leah
From the worst friend you've probably ever had,
Bev
