Thursday, 2 December 2010

Dave

i still miss you.
you didn't just end your life that day - you ended mine.
i just wish i could have put you back together again.
remember holding your head in my lap, and all the blood.
sometimes when i wash my hands i still see it.
rivers of red running down the plug hole.
the last parts of you mixing with the water and being washed from my skin.
i remember sitting their for hours.
until you went cold.
and kissing you, even though you had half a face.
tears and brains and blood.
all mixed together.
it was eternity. me and you.
i could feel your soul in that room.
thats why i didnt want to go.
thats why i didnt call them.
i remember it getting dark.
and then it getting light again.
just me and your corpse.
i remember you leaving, i felt it. when your parents came in.
to see me.
wrapped in your chocolate blood.
dirty dried blood.
i just remember holding on to you.
and not letting go.
but the medical people came and they made me let go.
they tore you from me.
and put you in a black bag.
took you away.
and i remember screaming
"He's afraid of the dark!"
when they covered you up.
But they didn't listen,
and i cried for you.
i cryed so much they made me have a drip.
and they took me away to a cold, dark hospital.
but i couldnt see anyone.
because they didnt know if i'd killed you.
how funny, they thought I might have killed you?!!
so i couldnt see my mum
or my dad
and i was left all alone
except i could feel you.
id sit at the bay window
all day.
then after a while my mum and dad came
and tried to love me enough
to make me speak again.
but they couldnt
didn't have a heart left.
you took it.
i didnt want to live anymore.
but in that place,
i didnt have the option.
i was too tired to die.
too tired to move.
sightless sockets and that bay window.
looking at the grass.
and then one day,
the grass changed to my back garden,
and i was home.
and i spoke
because words made my mum smile instead of cry.
and i didnt want her to cry anymore.
and words made dad's heart pains get better
so i didnt speak for me
i spoke for them.
BECAUSE UNLIKE YOU I'M NOT A SELFISH SCHIZOPHRENIC FUCK.

i LOVE you.
but i fucking HATE YOU.
and i can do better.
you might have died that day.
and part of me did too
but i will NOT be your legacy.
it's a god job you died.
because right now
if i could
i'd stab you through that fucking vacant hole you called a fucking heart.
REMEMBER, that one you PROMISED me.

So yes.
I miss you.
I love you.
But overwhelmingly, I FUCKING DESPISE you.

If words could kill.
This letter is a bullet.
Because you are dead to me.
As I was to you.

And it might be a tad retrospective.
But I'm dumping you.
I refuse to be your emotional prisoner.
Have a nice death.
Don't wait for me.
I ain't coming!