So I finally get around to you. This is kind of my absolution in a way. The closest a non Christian like me gets to closure of all the things they did in their life which they regret.
I don't regret you, I regret the way I treated you. I regret the fact you were scared of losing me when we were together, maybe I made you feel like that. I regret the way I took out my moods on you, and the fact I didn't get help sooner. I almost did the unthinkable whilst I was with you, I tried to kill myself and ended up in a psychiatric hospital for a week. And that was just after we first started dating. And one of the main reasons I did that, apart from the fact I was unstable from being off my med's, was regret, and absolute disgust at how I could treat someone so close to me. How I could betray my best friend like that.
I regret the way we started, how can anything beautiful every truely stem from someone else's pain like that? And at the time I didn't consider it, because I was just a loose cannon, someone so consumed with sadness and self doubt that any tiny hope of happiness i would cling onto and drag down into the dirty depths with me.
You made me so happy, and laugh so much that I almost felt unworthy of it. You gave me some of the happiest times of 2010, and also the saddest, but if I had a choice, and could do it all again or not at all, I would. I am a better person because of us.
I know one day you will find the perfect woman for you, and damn I will envy that bitch, but it won't be me. I'll be the friend at your side, holding your hand through all the up's and downs. And I will always be their J. I will be your guardian angel. Will you be mine? Because sometimes I don't think I can do this on my own.
I went to the doctors and i'm taking my meds now, i'm listening to other people. I'm listening to my body and i'm not treating a serious mental illness with contempt any more. I'm determined to beat this thing, and it won't be easy. And one of the main reasons for that is you. Because regardless of what you will say, I feel like I lost you because of bipolar. I feel like if it wasn't for that we would still be together, and we'd be happy. As much as I try and shake that thought I can't. Because although there was obviously more in the picture than just my moods, it's all interlinked, i.e I wouldn't have stopped trusting you if it wasnt for you leaving which was mainly because of the bipolar, and you would maybe trust yourself around me more if you didnt think the slightest disagreement would have me running to a razor blade.
You're an amazing guy, I wish you would start seeing it and appreciating yourself. Realise the world is your oyster, you are loved more than you can ever know, and that more than anything, you are worth something more than money can buy. Priceless.
I feel like I lost you in 2010, completely. In 2011 I guess more than anything I would like you back.
Love always
B x
