Dear D,

Today you grow one year older in my mind, though for the sake of history you will always be 20, immortalised in memory.

I remember the day we first met, the day i broke your leg :) well, it was your fault really, you should totally have jumped over me when i slipped on the wet floor in front of me, instead of falling over me into the road! I should have known you had a death wish then, lol. And when I got up to help you, the first thing you asked was if I was okay. I was fine, but you my love, were sat with half your bone peaking out of the skin. Despite that, my first thought was, damn, that guy is FIT!

You did a nifty move with asking for my number... "I should take it for my insurance"... But you seemed a little taken aback when I said "Nah, you should take it so you can call me". You always loved the fact I was forward and asked for what I wanted.

Remember the first date? You made a song for me on your guitar.. something about my eyes being like dark pools of chocolate you just wanted to melt into. Pfft, we both know the song was shit, I told you that though and you laughed and said you couldn't concentrate 'coz I was too pretty, such a pimp! Later you said it was my bright pink hair that made you feel like you were about to have an epileptic fit! But that hair rocked, and you could hardly talk, you looked like a punk god. I've never seen a guy rock blue hair like you did... even if it only lasted a week because you had that wedding... you know, the one where you puked all down the groom...

You were so far off the rails you made me seem like I was right on track. I should have noticed it looking back. You were in free fall, and I was the only thing barely clinging on.

I never wanted to date a drug addict, least of all fall madly in love with one. But you were my soul twin. And as much as my head was telling me "no" we were attached with invisible strings. I didn't care if you were punking, bleeding, high on smack, or smashing my dad's car window by accident. I just remember the good bits I remember the Rehab letters,  and when you got published. I was so proud, and jealous. I felt like you were the one with all the talent. You could out write Tennyson if you tried, and I struggle with Plath.

I remember when we kissed the world stood still. Our eyes locked. It’s so hard to describe. It’s not like love at first sight, really. It’s more like...gravity moves. When I saw you, suddenly it’s not the earth holding you here any more. You are. And nothing mattered more than you. And I would do anything for you, be anything for you...I became whatever you needed me to be, whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend.

You couldn't come into a room without me feeling all over a ripple of flame, and if, wherever you touched me, a heart beat under your touch, and if, when you held me, and I didn’t speak, it’s because all the words in me became throbbing pulses.

I love one man; I love him while awake; while sleeping; living; dead; love him. And if I can’t have you then God doesn’t exist, because without you is living without a soul.

Happy birthday baby, wait for me. You're worth a lifetime.

I love you- immortally, eternally, with all the fire in my soul.

Yours

B x

P.S Death for me won't be like leaving, it will be coming home