I don’t just want
your heart
I want your flesh,
your skin
and blood and bones,
your voice, your thoughts
your pulse
and most of all your
fingerprints,
everywhere.
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
my suicide attempts (in chronological order)
1. the first time i tried to kill myself i was 5. i drank a bottle of bleach straight from the cupboard under the sink. it burned, that's all i remember really, a burning pain..and my mum finding me vomiting bleach and blood from my stomach and taking me to hospital. i was too young to know what i was doing, but even then i wanted to die.
2. finding dave dead in bed with a gun. putting the gun to my head and pulling the trigger - no bullets. you fucker.
3. starving myself, ending up on an IV drip in psych ward. refusing to eat. being force fed by my hopeless mother. vomiting it back up when she went away.
4. days later, eating the light bulb so the glass would cut my stomach and kill me from the inside. didn't work. i expect the glass is in me somewhere, never felt a thing.
5. 3 lines of cocaine, speed and a bottle of straight vodka. woke up the next day feeling like i'd been run over by a train, fucked someone i really shouldn't have fucked.
6. sleeping pills and paracetamol - stomach pumping, rather droll.
7. wrist slitting - the most recent; a week in psych ward, a diagnosis of bipolar, and packed off with pills and sent on my way.
8. haven't decided yet - no more half assed attempts. jumping from a building; running in front of a lorry; drowning; skydiving and not pulling the parachute. i'll think of something.
2. finding dave dead in bed with a gun. putting the gun to my head and pulling the trigger - no bullets. you fucker.
3. starving myself, ending up on an IV drip in psych ward. refusing to eat. being force fed by my hopeless mother. vomiting it back up when she went away.
4. days later, eating the light bulb so the glass would cut my stomach and kill me from the inside. didn't work. i expect the glass is in me somewhere, never felt a thing.
5. 3 lines of cocaine, speed and a bottle of straight vodka. woke up the next day feeling like i'd been run over by a train, fucked someone i really shouldn't have fucked.
6. sleeping pills and paracetamol - stomach pumping, rather droll.
7. wrist slitting - the most recent; a week in psych ward, a diagnosis of bipolar, and packed off with pills and sent on my way.
8. haven't decided yet - no more half assed attempts. jumping from a building; running in front of a lorry; drowning; skydiving and not pulling the parachute. i'll think of something.
is there any point in articulating myself? someone else will have said it better. you may as well read them.
i wish that my words had the power of a scream, the final cry of a girl falling to her death.
i lie here, trapped, in my own thoughts, descending to some dark place where i'm all alone. i can't reach you here. you can't hear me cry. it's just me and the raw total of my pain. i feel my nerves raw and exposed. my life is the abscess that forms around them.
i wish that my words had the power of a scream, the final cry of a girl falling to her death.
i lie here, trapped, in my own thoughts, descending to some dark place where i'm all alone. i can't reach you here. you can't hear me cry. it's just me and the raw total of my pain. i feel my nerves raw and exposed. my life is the abscess that forms around them.
the problem with love.
i believe in two versions of love. you're either the kind of person who falls in love using your head, or like me, you love with your heart.
if you love with your head it's rational. it's planned. its meticulous, clean, safe. you control the love, it doesn't control you. it's like a dog on a leash, you pull it along at your own pace.
it's your beast. you mould it, create it and make it fit around your life, and if it goes too far you beat it like a blacksmith back into the place that it was meant to be.
love is your bitch. if it works for you at that moment and suits your purposes then it stays. the moment the cost-benefit swings the wrong way you're done. you can flip the switch, erase and discard.
i'm not that person. i love with my heart. i love with my soul. i love with every atom, every breath, every smile, every laugh. i love as if the act of love itself is the antidote to my life. a radiant light that will save me from the darkness. there are countless analogies, but most of all i love like i have nothing to lose.
for me lovemaking is so stormy and theatrical that i tear into my lover, and when i do, i tear holes. sometimes sex is more like fighting than love. we slam each other around. trying to find each other’s souls, knowing they must be in there somewhere, close to our undernourished hearts.
my love is furious. and brave. and loud.
the first time i saw into your heart you touched me and i felt as if the texture of the world had changed, grown warmer but also more expansive. you felt permeable to me and seeped into everything and everything into you.
my lover is my black hole. i want him to devour me.
i hope you're like me, the worst thing in the world is to give yourself away in exchange for not enough love...
if you love with your head it's rational. it's planned. its meticulous, clean, safe. you control the love, it doesn't control you. it's like a dog on a leash, you pull it along at your own pace.
it's your beast. you mould it, create it and make it fit around your life, and if it goes too far you beat it like a blacksmith back into the place that it was meant to be.
love is your bitch. if it works for you at that moment and suits your purposes then it stays. the moment the cost-benefit swings the wrong way you're done. you can flip the switch, erase and discard.
i'm not that person. i love with my heart. i love with my soul. i love with every atom, every breath, every smile, every laugh. i love as if the act of love itself is the antidote to my life. a radiant light that will save me from the darkness. there are countless analogies, but most of all i love like i have nothing to lose.
for me lovemaking is so stormy and theatrical that i tear into my lover, and when i do, i tear holes. sometimes sex is more like fighting than love. we slam each other around. trying to find each other’s souls, knowing they must be in there somewhere, close to our undernourished hearts.
my love is furious. and brave. and loud.
the first time i saw into your heart you touched me and i felt as if the texture of the world had changed, grown warmer but also more expansive. you felt permeable to me and seeped into everything and everything into you.
my lover is my black hole. i want him to devour me.
i hope you're like me, the worst thing in the world is to give yourself away in exchange for not enough love...
Monday, 27 September 2010
Sunday, 26 September 2010
i feel like an abandoned building. everything decaying, rotten. no-one goes their, they know how unstable it is so they stay away. they see the warning signs hanging outside "do not enter", "hazardous", "enter at your own risk". vicarious liability is a real bitch these days. i give enough warnings.
from the distance it looks like an interesting place, full of antiquities and gargoyled turrets, but up close it's cold and foreboding. some say it's haunted. some say it's just cold and empty. they talk about a girl that used to live their all alone, and how she drove herself insane. they say if you go up there late at night you can still hear her crying, but no-one cared enough to listen.
from the distance it looks like an interesting place, full of antiquities and gargoyled turrets, but up close it's cold and foreboding. some say it's haunted. some say it's just cold and empty. they talk about a girl that used to live their all alone, and how she drove herself insane. they say if you go up there late at night you can still hear her crying, but no-one cared enough to listen.
The heart ruptures, its toxins leach
into the groundwater of blood and neurons.
The muteness of cells is suddenly disrupted;
now they won’t stop chattering, replicating,
and I in my sweaty bed, watching the spider cracks
hover against the ceiling, ignore those cells
as they spin and spin.
Doctors become translators,
tapping a Morse code on my skin, trying to decipher
the language bumping through vessels and bones.
Oh, heartbreak—such a fickle thing.
Heartbreak is a squatter crouched in my kitchen,
its eyes a glittery spark, finger over its mouth,
hushing me,
hushing,
hush.
into the groundwater of blood and neurons.
The muteness of cells is suddenly disrupted;
now they won’t stop chattering, replicating,
and I in my sweaty bed, watching the spider cracks
hover against the ceiling, ignore those cells
as they spin and spin.
Doctors become translators,
tapping a Morse code on my skin, trying to decipher
the language bumping through vessels and bones.
Oh, heartbreak—such a fickle thing.
Heartbreak is a squatter crouched in my kitchen,
its eyes a glittery spark, finger over its mouth,
hushing me,
hushing,
hush.
Saturday, 25 September 2010
Remember the high board at the swimming pool? After days of looking up at it you finally climbed the wet steps to the platform. From there, it was higher than ever. There were only two ways down: the steps to defeat or the dive to victory. You stood on the edge, shivering in the hot sun, deathly afraid. At last you leaned too far forward; it was too late for retreat, and you dived. The high board was conquered, and you spent the rest of the day diving. Climbing a thousand high boards, we demolish fear and turn into human beings.
Thursday, 23 September 2010
The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanely sensitive. To them a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create—so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, their very breath is cut off...They must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency they are not really alive unless they are creating.
Wednesday, 22 September 2010
I give you this
one thought to keep.
I am with you still,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken
in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars
That shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone—
I am with you still,
in each new dawn.
one thought to keep.
I am with you still,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken
in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars
That shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone—
I am with you still,
in each new dawn.
death becomes me.
I think there can be no greater suffering than the state of mind I find myself in at present. I am sane enough to know that I am no longer sane. Somewhere, somehow, I am being dragged over a line, a line which never even existed for me until now. It’s I, not someone else, but I, who am crossing that line, and I see no way to stop myself.
I have become, inexplicably, a wandering and completely bewildered stranger in the realm of my emotions. I can no longer find my way back to my familiar and known world where I did dwell once in some harmony with myself. Everyone is one the other side of an impenetrable glass. We can see each other, but we cannot reach each other, and I am stretching out my hand in vain. I am alone and abandoned in the dark, and I am terrified, beyond any understanding, and the not understanding leaves me in a state of paralyzing panic.
I can’t move in any direction.
I am becoming more and more rigid physically. I am afraid that if I turn my head, even a little I will see my horrible terrors and they will overwhelm me. I think I’m being followed—I am running through endless, twisting, pitch-dark tunnels, and I can’t find my way out. There is no light at the end of any turn I take. I can’t turn back. I am being backed into the darkest and last corner of all.
I long to escape from these feelings that I can neither understand nor bear. Where is there a place for me, where can I go, where can I turn, save deeper and deeper into the labyrinth of my poor sick mind?
My mind is dying and I want to die with it.
The pain is too much to bear.
Even my body hurts.
My terrors are crushing me, smothering me. I can’t breathe—I can’t communicate my fears to anyone with any hope that they will be understood. I am locking myself up in a prison of my own making, a horrible, painful prison, to which I have no key.
There is only one escape, and that is death. I plan each day and night how to take my life. It is hard to believe that I, who loved life so much, am planning to kill myself—find myself longing for death. I am obsessed with one desire — to blot out a mind that can harbor and play with such thoughts.
Someone must help me—safe me from myself, for what will become of me?
I have become, inexplicably, a wandering and completely bewildered stranger in the realm of my emotions. I can no longer find my way back to my familiar and known world where I did dwell once in some harmony with myself. Everyone is one the other side of an impenetrable glass. We can see each other, but we cannot reach each other, and I am stretching out my hand in vain. I am alone and abandoned in the dark, and I am terrified, beyond any understanding, and the not understanding leaves me in a state of paralyzing panic.
I can’t move in any direction.
I am becoming more and more rigid physically. I am afraid that if I turn my head, even a little I will see my horrible terrors and they will overwhelm me. I think I’m being followed—I am running through endless, twisting, pitch-dark tunnels, and I can’t find my way out. There is no light at the end of any turn I take. I can’t turn back. I am being backed into the darkest and last corner of all.
I long to escape from these feelings that I can neither understand nor bear. Where is there a place for me, where can I go, where can I turn, save deeper and deeper into the labyrinth of my poor sick mind?
My mind is dying and I want to die with it.
The pain is too much to bear.
Even my body hurts.
My terrors are crushing me, smothering me. I can’t breathe—I can’t communicate my fears to anyone with any hope that they will be understood. I am locking myself up in a prison of my own making, a horrible, painful prison, to which I have no key.
There is only one escape, and that is death. I plan each day and night how to take my life. It is hard to believe that I, who loved life so much, am planning to kill myself—find myself longing for death. I am obsessed with one desire — to blot out a mind that can harbor and play with such thoughts.
Someone must help me—safe me from myself, for what will become of me?
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
Depression is the flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair. When it comes, it degrades one’s self and ultimately eclipses the capacity to give or receive affection. It is the aloneness within us made manifest, and it destroys not only connection to others but also the ability to be peacefully alone with oneself.
Mild depression is a gradual and sometimes permanent thing that undermines people the way rust weakens iron … Like physical pain that becomes chronic, it is miserable not so much because it is intolerable in the moment as because it is intolerable to have known it in the moments gone and to look forward only to knowing it in the moments to come.
It is not pleasant to experience decay, to find yourself exposed to the ravages of an almost daily rain, and to know that you are turning into something feeble, that more and more of you will blow off with the first strong wind, making you less and less. Some people accumulate more emotional rust than others. Depression starts out insipid, fogs the days into a dull color, weakens ordinary actions until their clear shapes are obscured by the effort they require, leaves you tired and bored and self-obsessed—but you can get through all that. Not happily, perhaps, but you can get through. No one has ever been able to define the collapse point that marks major depression, but when you get there, there’s not much mistaking it. Major depression is a birth and a death: it is both the new presence of something and the total disappearance of something.
My depression has been a sucking thing that had wrapped itself around me, ugly and more alive than I. It has a life of its own that has bit by bit asphyxiated all of my life out of me. I have moods that I know are not my moods: they belong to the depression… I am compacted and fetal, depleted by this thing that crushes me without holding me. Its tendrils threaten to pulverize my mind and my courage and my stomach, and crack my bones and desiccate my body. It gluttons itself on me when there is nothing left to feed it. I can never kill this vine of depression, and so all I wanted is for it to let me die. But it has taken from me the energy I would need to kill myself, and it will not kill me. If my trunk is rotting, this thing that fed on it was now too strong to let it fall ; it has become an alternative support to what it had destroyed. In the tightest corner of my bed, split and racked by this thing no one else seemed to be able to see, I pray to a God I have never believed in, and I ask for deliverance. I would be happy to die the most painful death, but I am too dumbly lethargic even to conceptualize suicide.
Every second of being alive hurts me.
Mild depression is a gradual and sometimes permanent thing that undermines people the way rust weakens iron … Like physical pain that becomes chronic, it is miserable not so much because it is intolerable in the moment as because it is intolerable to have known it in the moments gone and to look forward only to knowing it in the moments to come.
It is not pleasant to experience decay, to find yourself exposed to the ravages of an almost daily rain, and to know that you are turning into something feeble, that more and more of you will blow off with the first strong wind, making you less and less. Some people accumulate more emotional rust than others. Depression starts out insipid, fogs the days into a dull color, weakens ordinary actions until their clear shapes are obscured by the effort they require, leaves you tired and bored and self-obsessed—but you can get through all that. Not happily, perhaps, but you can get through. No one has ever been able to define the collapse point that marks major depression, but when you get there, there’s not much mistaking it. Major depression is a birth and a death: it is both the new presence of something and the total disappearance of something.
My depression has been a sucking thing that had wrapped itself around me, ugly and more alive than I. It has a life of its own that has bit by bit asphyxiated all of my life out of me. I have moods that I know are not my moods: they belong to the depression… I am compacted and fetal, depleted by this thing that crushes me without holding me. Its tendrils threaten to pulverize my mind and my courage and my stomach, and crack my bones and desiccate my body. It gluttons itself on me when there is nothing left to feed it. I can never kill this vine of depression, and so all I wanted is for it to let me die. But it has taken from me the energy I would need to kill myself, and it will not kill me. If my trunk is rotting, this thing that fed on it was now too strong to let it fall ; it has become an alternative support to what it had destroyed. In the tightest corner of my bed, split and racked by this thing no one else seemed to be able to see, I pray to a God I have never believed in, and I ask for deliverance. I would be happy to die the most painful death, but I am too dumbly lethargic even to conceptualize suicide.
Every second of being alive hurts me.
seconds. minutes. hours. days.
find what you want and stop at nothing to achieve it.
bleed for it.
cry for it.
lust for it.
die for it.
but never. ever. give up.
we are given one life. it's finite. it will be taken from you when you least expect it, whether that will be silently in your sleep, or screaming as a passenger in my car.
once the clock stops. that's it. you are done. no false starts. no second chances. you either devour the world like a hungry hooker, or you let it devour you.
if you live your life missing bullets you might get shot. but some things are worth dying for.
find that something. and if you have to, be prepared to die for it.
everyone has a talent. what is rare is the courage to follow talent to the dark place where it leads.
find your centre. let it be like the splitting of the atom. explode upon the world.
bleed for it.
cry for it.
lust for it.
die for it.
but never. ever. give up.
we are given one life. it's finite. it will be taken from you when you least expect it, whether that will be silently in your sleep, or screaming as a passenger in my car.
once the clock stops. that's it. you are done. no false starts. no second chances. you either devour the world like a hungry hooker, or you let it devour you.
if you live your life missing bullets you might get shot. but some things are worth dying for.
find that something. and if you have to, be prepared to die for it.
everyone has a talent. what is rare is the courage to follow talent to the dark place where it leads.
find your centre. let it be like the splitting of the atom. explode upon the world.
Monday, 20 September 2010
love letters - you to me.
ate: Sun, 19 Sep 2010 20:18:34 -0700
From: XXXXX@yahoo.com
Subject: Bev, i love you more then anything in this world............
To: XXXXX@hotmail.co.uk
oh my fucking gawd, you make me want to jump up and down like some retarded person on a television show when they just won a million dollars. But i did not win a bunch of money or prize's, i won something that no person could buy or receive as a gift. I have found something that takes people years to find, years to ask them self if what they have is real.i have won something that can really only be found once.i have won something that is so unbelievable i still ask myself how the hell i am so lucky. i won you, your love, something that means the world to me and i intend on keeping and sharing with you until the day that i die.
I know that the distance between us can be intimidating at times, and there are moments that i would want nothing more then to just kiss you, hold your hand or just have some sort of physical contact with you to show you i love you, and i cant. But i know that this is really no problem. Like you said, one year is nothing. Take in the fact that once i am over there, i will be with you for the rest of my life, it really does not seem that long. One year of getting to know more about the woman i love and just getting to know each other better so that when we meet, we wont be completely lost as to who the other person really is... Yea, not a problem at all.
I dunno, i know that you may feel "i'm shallow, i'm not half as intelligent as people think, i can be clingy, needy, bitchy, and sometimes down right mean." But i never see that. call it wishful thinking or whatever but when i talk to you or just hear something you say, i always manage to find something truly beautiful in your words and your voice. I try my hardest to be honest with you and i never want to lie to you, so know that i am telling the truth when i say that i find you to be the perfect woman every man searches for..The woman that kids dream about one day meeting, kissing, having kids, being happy with. And if to no one else, then to me. And i guess since its just me and you in this relationship, my word should mean something to you... You truly are my definition of perfection baby. <3 I hate being at work. I hate being with my family at times. I hate having to go out and shop. I hate when my mother does not cook and i have to go out, even tho i do not like my mom's cooking. I hate doing favors for people that make me get out of the house. I hate so many things for one reason. It takes me away from you. Our time is already to short and is precious. So i try and take advantage of what we have and i do not like when it has to be worse then it has to be... Maybe im greedy or to needy, i don't care. I love you and "our" time means a lot to me and id like to have as much of it as i can. i swear, when i am not with you, at times i just go fucking crazy. My mind just starts going into some panic mode trying to think of something else less painful.. it has never won. Nothing i do can take you out of my mind.. And to be honest, that's not a bad thing. I love thinking about you, it may hurt, but nothing means more to me then you. Im not one to judge the way i am. What you said about me really made me feel happy. i try hard to make people happy and to at least attempt to make them laugh. i guess these last few years have been a little ruff on me.. i have been through a lot of sad periods, periods that i felt like killing myself would not only be my only shot at happiness, but that my family may be better off. Looking back, thinking like that is stupid and selfish. Yes, at times i may feel sad or down, and have a terrible pain deep in my heart, but killing myself would not help in any other way, and would only hurt the ones i loved. And had i gave up i would have never been able to find what i have always been missing. You. You were my cure to happiness and i feel like i took a lethal dose. Cuz i will love you until the day i die. (HOLY FUCK THAT WAS CORNY!) But my point is, with all my moments of sadness and doubtfulness, i try and always cheer people up and make them feel good i guess. I don't want people to ever go through something that i went through, so its the least i can do. And that's not to say that like i have been through so much shit, my life really is not as bad as others, but its not the point. i just want people to be happy. I never really felt like anybody noticed until you. Like you were the person that really "deserved me" And i do not mean that in like a cocky sense, i mean that as in we deserved each other, and no one else. No one really needed me to be the person i am but you, your the one who deserves it. And if i had to put a smile on my face for a million people until the one person who deserved it finally saw it.. then i would... i did. i love you For months, i knew that i loved you. No one made me laugh the way you did. No one could tell me something that made me want to bust out into tears the way your stories did. Not because there sad necessarily, but because of the pain in your heart and soul, it fucking killed me and i could feel some sort of a connection. I hated when i knew you were sad and mad. And you were only a "friend" at the time. Of course i would feel bad when somebody told me something sad and what not, but only when i heard you did i truly feel like i could connect and not only see how much you needed me, but how much i needed you in my life. Imagine waking up everyday, wishing for something truly awful to happen in order for something amazing to happen. When i say that, i am talking about the relationship you were in at the time, and its horrible. Both of you were my best friends, and i was so lonely. I just wanted a chance to make you happy. And at first i said "sure.. i can wait.." Then one month turned to two...then three.... then four..... And you seemed truly happy, and i was happy for you. So i thought that i would let it go. But then, i knew i did not have a Strong crush or anything, i was in love. Because even tho i was happy for you, i wanted more. Again, i may be greedy, but i knew i would wait 10 fucking years if i had to, but you were the woman i wanted to live with, to make my wife, and to have children with.A couple months later, an opportunity arose, and "we" happened. It was so weird that night.. I finally said what i wanted to for months and i weight was lifted, the moments leading up to us saying "i love you" was so amazing, i had such a rush in my blood and i just felt so alive that i was dying.. if that makes sense.. Then when you said it back, i seriously smiled harder then i ever had. The most amazing moment in my entire life.. i will never forget it. Im always here for you when you need me, do not feel afraid to talk to me... for whatever reason. Whatever it is, i want to try and help, and if i cant, then i want to share your pain, i do not like the thought of you carrying all that pain, beating yourself up about it and me being happy. I want to share the pain with you, make it easier to deal with, make you not feel alone, and that there is someone hear, with you to make you feel better, that's all i want to do. Keep your heart, Ill share mine with you as well. The fact is, without you, my heart would be useless. So keep yours, and take mine, you will never be heartless ever again. (You better get your heart back from him, or i will tell him to return it... >.< )
I hate to think about you killing yourself baby, and if u really mean what you said, then damn, i could not be happier then to be with you. You mean to much to me to see you go. Saving you may be the single greatest thing i have ever done, not only for myself, But for the world. You may not see it, but you truly are something special, and one of these days you will do something amazing and be noticed by a mass amount of people. Weather its a book, a movie, or what ever, you will do something incredible, its just up to you for what. Do not ever tell yourself that you are not special, you are and one day you and the world will see it.. i am just lucky to get a sneak peak. Cuz believe me, i know how special you are, and you mean more then anything to me. <33
I have nothing but faith in you baby, i know i may bring up past issues that may make you feel guilty, but im only joking and i will try to not do it as much. I wont lie, yes i may get a bit paranoid at times. But its not because i actually think you are going to go out and do something behind my back or some shit, its only because you mean so much to me that the thought of losing you fucking kills me and at times its only natural to run the "worst case scenario" in your head. I swear that i have faith in you, and when i think like that at times, its only me, not you. If anything, its just a constant reminder of how important you are to me, and make sure i don't do anything stupid for you to be mad at me or whatever. :P haha
Well, i said it once, ill say it again. If i had the chance, i have no doubt that i would ask you to marry me.. i may be young, but i do not feel i am rushing. I know what i want in a woman, i know what makes me happy, i know what is needed to make a relationship successful. And you fill out the application better then any other woman will ever be able to. Id drop on one knee and ask you to be my wife right now, i really would. I am that sure of not only you, but us, And i swear, when the time comes, i will make you feel loved, cared for, protected, needed and everything else every single day. And it wont be because im trying to be nice, it would be because its necessary. i do love you, your so special i feel i have to protect you, and i care so deeply about you that i would always try and show it. I know i am not perfect, but we are, and we will make one hell of a beautiful life for each other, but for our future children as well. i swear to you.
I love you bev. I have always loved you and i will always love you until the day i stop breathing. And if it is like it is in the movies, and my should raises from my body slowly drifting to ether heaven or hell, i will ether join you or wait patiently with my hand open waiting for you, and love you in the after life.
Hope you had a great sleep and feel good, have a great day at work and i will talk to you soon as i can.
I really do love you Bev, with every single piece of my being. You are the one i want to spend the rest of my life with, and you are the only woman i will ever love.
You are my everything, i am your anything. Without you, there is no me.
-Jesse
<333333
From: XXXXX@yahoo.com
Subject: Bev, i love you more then anything in this world............
To: XXXXX@hotmail.co.uk
oh my fucking gawd, you make me want to jump up and down like some retarded person on a television show when they just won a million dollars. But i did not win a bunch of money or prize's, i won something that no person could buy or receive as a gift. I have found something that takes people years to find, years to ask them self if what they have is real.i have won something that can really only be found once.i have won something that is so unbelievable i still ask myself how the hell i am so lucky. i won you, your love, something that means the world to me and i intend on keeping and sharing with you until the day that i die.
I know that the distance between us can be intimidating at times, and there are moments that i would want nothing more then to just kiss you, hold your hand or just have some sort of physical contact with you to show you i love you, and i cant. But i know that this is really no problem. Like you said, one year is nothing. Take in the fact that once i am over there, i will be with you for the rest of my life, it really does not seem that long. One year of getting to know more about the woman i love and just getting to know each other better so that when we meet, we wont be completely lost as to who the other person really is... Yea, not a problem at all.
I dunno, i know that you may feel "i'm shallow, i'm not half as intelligent as people think, i can be clingy, needy, bitchy, and sometimes down right mean." But i never see that. call it wishful thinking or whatever but when i talk to you or just hear something you say, i always manage to find something truly beautiful in your words and your voice. I try my hardest to be honest with you and i never want to lie to you, so know that i am telling the truth when i say that i find you to be the perfect woman every man searches for..The woman that kids dream about one day meeting, kissing, having kids, being happy with. And if to no one else, then to me. And i guess since its just me and you in this relationship, my word should mean something to you... You truly are my definition of perfection baby. <3 I hate being at work. I hate being with my family at times. I hate having to go out and shop. I hate when my mother does not cook and i have to go out, even tho i do not like my mom's cooking. I hate doing favors for people that make me get out of the house. I hate so many things for one reason. It takes me away from you. Our time is already to short and is precious. So i try and take advantage of what we have and i do not like when it has to be worse then it has to be... Maybe im greedy or to needy, i don't care. I love you and "our" time means a lot to me and id like to have as much of it as i can. i swear, when i am not with you, at times i just go fucking crazy. My mind just starts going into some panic mode trying to think of something else less painful.. it has never won. Nothing i do can take you out of my mind.. And to be honest, that's not a bad thing. I love thinking about you, it may hurt, but nothing means more to me then you. Im not one to judge the way i am. What you said about me really made me feel happy. i try hard to make people happy and to at least attempt to make them laugh. i guess these last few years have been a little ruff on me.. i have been through a lot of sad periods, periods that i felt like killing myself would not only be my only shot at happiness, but that my family may be better off. Looking back, thinking like that is stupid and selfish. Yes, at times i may feel sad or down, and have a terrible pain deep in my heart, but killing myself would not help in any other way, and would only hurt the ones i loved. And had i gave up i would have never been able to find what i have always been missing. You. You were my cure to happiness and i feel like i took a lethal dose. Cuz i will love you until the day i die. (HOLY FUCK THAT WAS CORNY!) But my point is, with all my moments of sadness and doubtfulness, i try and always cheer people up and make them feel good i guess. I don't want people to ever go through something that i went through, so its the least i can do. And that's not to say that like i have been through so much shit, my life really is not as bad as others, but its not the point. i just want people to be happy. I never really felt like anybody noticed until you. Like you were the person that really "deserved me" And i do not mean that in like a cocky sense, i mean that as in we deserved each other, and no one else. No one really needed me to be the person i am but you, your the one who deserves it. And if i had to put a smile on my face for a million people until the one person who deserved it finally saw it.. then i would... i did. i love you For months, i knew that i loved you. No one made me laugh the way you did. No one could tell me something that made me want to bust out into tears the way your stories did. Not because there sad necessarily, but because of the pain in your heart and soul, it fucking killed me and i could feel some sort of a connection. I hated when i knew you were sad and mad. And you were only a "friend" at the time. Of course i would feel bad when somebody told me something sad and what not, but only when i heard you did i truly feel like i could connect and not only see how much you needed me, but how much i needed you in my life. Imagine waking up everyday, wishing for something truly awful to happen in order for something amazing to happen. When i say that, i am talking about the relationship you were in at the time, and its horrible. Both of you were my best friends, and i was so lonely. I just wanted a chance to make you happy. And at first i said "sure.. i can wait.." Then one month turned to two...then three.... then four..... And you seemed truly happy, and i was happy for you. So i thought that i would let it go. But then, i knew i did not have a Strong crush or anything, i was in love. Because even tho i was happy for you, i wanted more. Again, i may be greedy, but i knew i would wait 10 fucking years if i had to, but you were the woman i wanted to live with, to make my wife, and to have children with.A couple months later, an opportunity arose, and "we" happened. It was so weird that night.. I finally said what i wanted to for months and i weight was lifted, the moments leading up to us saying "i love you" was so amazing, i had such a rush in my blood and i just felt so alive that i was dying.. if that makes sense.. Then when you said it back, i seriously smiled harder then i ever had. The most amazing moment in my entire life.. i will never forget it. Im always here for you when you need me, do not feel afraid to talk to me... for whatever reason. Whatever it is, i want to try and help, and if i cant, then i want to share your pain, i do not like the thought of you carrying all that pain, beating yourself up about it and me being happy. I want to share the pain with you, make it easier to deal with, make you not feel alone, and that there is someone hear, with you to make you feel better, that's all i want to do. Keep your heart, Ill share mine with you as well. The fact is, without you, my heart would be useless. So keep yours, and take mine, you will never be heartless ever again. (You better get your heart back from him, or i will tell him to return it... >.< )
I hate to think about you killing yourself baby, and if u really mean what you said, then damn, i could not be happier then to be with you. You mean to much to me to see you go. Saving you may be the single greatest thing i have ever done, not only for myself, But for the world. You may not see it, but you truly are something special, and one of these days you will do something amazing and be noticed by a mass amount of people. Weather its a book, a movie, or what ever, you will do something incredible, its just up to you for what. Do not ever tell yourself that you are not special, you are and one day you and the world will see it.. i am just lucky to get a sneak peak. Cuz believe me, i know how special you are, and you mean more then anything to me. <33
I have nothing but faith in you baby, i know i may bring up past issues that may make you feel guilty, but im only joking and i will try to not do it as much. I wont lie, yes i may get a bit paranoid at times. But its not because i actually think you are going to go out and do something behind my back or some shit, its only because you mean so much to me that the thought of losing you fucking kills me and at times its only natural to run the "worst case scenario" in your head. I swear that i have faith in you, and when i think like that at times, its only me, not you. If anything, its just a constant reminder of how important you are to me, and make sure i don't do anything stupid for you to be mad at me or whatever. :P haha
Well, i said it once, ill say it again. If i had the chance, i have no doubt that i would ask you to marry me.. i may be young, but i do not feel i am rushing. I know what i want in a woman, i know what makes me happy, i know what is needed to make a relationship successful. And you fill out the application better then any other woman will ever be able to. Id drop on one knee and ask you to be my wife right now, i really would. I am that sure of not only you, but us, And i swear, when the time comes, i will make you feel loved, cared for, protected, needed and everything else every single day. And it wont be because im trying to be nice, it would be because its necessary. i do love you, your so special i feel i have to protect you, and i care so deeply about you that i would always try and show it. I know i am not perfect, but we are, and we will make one hell of a beautiful life for each other, but for our future children as well. i swear to you.
I love you bev. I have always loved you and i will always love you until the day i stop breathing. And if it is like it is in the movies, and my should raises from my body slowly drifting to ether heaven or hell, i will ether join you or wait patiently with my hand open waiting for you, and love you in the after life.
Hope you had a great sleep and feel good, have a great day at work and i will talk to you soon as i can.
I really do love you Bev, with every single piece of my being. You are the one i want to spend the rest of my life with, and you are the only woman i will ever love.
You are my everything, i am your anything. Without you, there is no me.
-Jesse
<333333
love letters- me to you
i love you
02:42
i said i'd go to sleep but before i do i want to write you a decent email. its 8pm for you, 1am for me.
it feels like even time is laughing at us sometimes. why does it have to be my morning and your night? why did i have to find the man i want to spend the rest of my life with, and him to be so far away?
when i say that though, i feel so spoilt. because i found you. my one in seven billion. i can't complain in the face of such fortune.
i know i am not perfect, i'm shallow, i'm not half as intelligent as people think, i can be clingy, needy, bitchy, and sometimes down right mean. but i feel like i must have done something right somewhere along the line. because here i am, with you.
i know that we're on the verge of something incredible. the greatest love story ever told. our story. the beginning of the rest of our lives together... and in the scale of things what is one more year as opposed to 60+ years living together for the rest of our days. its nothing.. and it gives us time to get to know each other, and sort our finances out etc.. its time we need.
so i dont begrudge it.
and i dont hate the distance. because if i can feel something pulling me towards you from 1400 miles away then when we meet it will be pure electricity.
when you're not here i find my mind willing to cross an ocean for you. i want to leave everything i have behind and just start afresh with you. i would give up everything for that to happen, and if its necessary i will. i dont need money, i dont need fancy clothes, a nice house or a nice car. i dont even need to be near my family, even though i love my parents so much. i dont need anything in this fucking world except you.
its funny, i always feel like im walking around in the dark fumbling for the light switch, but when im with you you make the lights turn on. everyone else is just like a distant star, you're blinding sunlight. i always felt like that about you btw. and thats why so many people love you, because your personality is so incredible it does the unthinkable, makes people HAPPY. you have a gift in a way i guess, you can bring so much joy into so many people's lives such by being you. i wish i had your way with people.
i have always known there is something deeply special and unique about you. your compassion, your integity, just talking to you i knew there was so much more to you beneath the surface. you're funny and kind, but its not that, its something deeper, its like when im with you i can see your soul so clearly i can reach out and touch it. and its beautiful. its incredible.
i wish i'd told you this when we were friends so you dont just think i'm saying it to be nice. please be sure i'm never deliberately nice to anyone, even you. everything i say is because i feel it. but with you, its like, i feel like you're destined for something. and i dont know what the hell it will be. but theres something so special about you that i've never seen the same in another human being.
i dont believe in anything much. but something is telling me you're the 'one'. and hell, its not telling it, its screaming it. when i'm with you i feel like we're two sides of the same magic. the spell just doesnt work the same with anyone else.
maybe i'm insane, we've only been together 1.5 months, but i know you are the only man i ever want to kiss for the rest of my life.
it's scary, giving your heart to someone, especially when the guy before never gave it back. so i wont give you my heart, ill keep it, you wanted me to anyway. but i will give you everything i am. i'll bear you the very depths of my soul.. i'll let you know me like no-one has known me before. i want you to understand me more than i do myself and in return i want to be everything you need. i want to hold you when you're sad, share your happiness with you, take away your pain.
if you were here and said "baby will you marry me tomorrow?" i'd say "fuck that, marry me today".
in my mind and my heart, the places where it really matters, you are already my soulmate. i don't need a piece of paper to tell me i found true love. i have found the one i want to spend the rest of my life with. i have found the one i want to be the father to my children. i have found the one i would die for. the one who saved my life without even realising it himself.
if it wasn't for you i have no doubt i'd be dead baby. as horrible as that sounds, the way i feel sometimes is just unbearable. but i have you, and you pull me up and make me feel alive. you are the only person who has ever made me doubt being an atheist. because in every other way a godless world makes perfect sense, until i think of you. i honestly feel like if there is a god, he gave you to me to save my life.
you make me want to wake up every morning. you make me want to keep breathing in and out.
everything i am, i owe to you.
without you i'm nothing. with you i'm everything.
you complete me baby.
i love you so much. i hope i can make you feel loved and happy. please never doubt the strength of my love for you. until i am in your arms i just ask you to have faith in me, and i'll have faith in you. this next year will be the hardest of my life, because being apart from you feels like a physical pain in my gut. but it WILL be worth it.
love like ours can survive long distance. i have no doubt that love like ours can survive death.
in every way that matters jesse, i feel like i'm already your wifey,
i will never stop loving you.
yours always,
B
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
02:42
i said i'd go to sleep but before i do i want to write you a decent email. its 8pm for you, 1am for me.
it feels like even time is laughing at us sometimes. why does it have to be my morning and your night? why did i have to find the man i want to spend the rest of my life with, and him to be so far away?
when i say that though, i feel so spoilt. because i found you. my one in seven billion. i can't complain in the face of such fortune.
i know i am not perfect, i'm shallow, i'm not half as intelligent as people think, i can be clingy, needy, bitchy, and sometimes down right mean. but i feel like i must have done something right somewhere along the line. because here i am, with you.
i know that we're on the verge of something incredible. the greatest love story ever told. our story. the beginning of the rest of our lives together... and in the scale of things what is one more year as opposed to 60+ years living together for the rest of our days. its nothing.. and it gives us time to get to know each other, and sort our finances out etc.. its time we need.
so i dont begrudge it.
and i dont hate the distance. because if i can feel something pulling me towards you from 1400 miles away then when we meet it will be pure electricity.
when you're not here i find my mind willing to cross an ocean for you. i want to leave everything i have behind and just start afresh with you. i would give up everything for that to happen, and if its necessary i will. i dont need money, i dont need fancy clothes, a nice house or a nice car. i dont even need to be near my family, even though i love my parents so much. i dont need anything in this fucking world except you.
its funny, i always feel like im walking around in the dark fumbling for the light switch, but when im with you you make the lights turn on. everyone else is just like a distant star, you're blinding sunlight. i always felt like that about you btw. and thats why so many people love you, because your personality is so incredible it does the unthinkable, makes people HAPPY. you have a gift in a way i guess, you can bring so much joy into so many people's lives such by being you. i wish i had your way with people.
i have always known there is something deeply special and unique about you. your compassion, your integity, just talking to you i knew there was so much more to you beneath the surface. you're funny and kind, but its not that, its something deeper, its like when im with you i can see your soul so clearly i can reach out and touch it. and its beautiful. its incredible.
i wish i'd told you this when we were friends so you dont just think i'm saying it to be nice. please be sure i'm never deliberately nice to anyone, even you. everything i say is because i feel it. but with you, its like, i feel like you're destined for something. and i dont know what the hell it will be. but theres something so special about you that i've never seen the same in another human being.
i dont believe in anything much. but something is telling me you're the 'one'. and hell, its not telling it, its screaming it. when i'm with you i feel like we're two sides of the same magic. the spell just doesnt work the same with anyone else.
maybe i'm insane, we've only been together 1.5 months, but i know you are the only man i ever want to kiss for the rest of my life.
it's scary, giving your heart to someone, especially when the guy before never gave it back. so i wont give you my heart, ill keep it, you wanted me to anyway. but i will give you everything i am. i'll bear you the very depths of my soul.. i'll let you know me like no-one has known me before. i want you to understand me more than i do myself and in return i want to be everything you need. i want to hold you when you're sad, share your happiness with you, take away your pain.
if you were here and said "baby will you marry me tomorrow?" i'd say "fuck that, marry me today".
in my mind and my heart, the places where it really matters, you are already my soulmate. i don't need a piece of paper to tell me i found true love. i have found the one i want to spend the rest of my life with. i have found the one i want to be the father to my children. i have found the one i would die for. the one who saved my life without even realising it himself.
if it wasn't for you i have no doubt i'd be dead baby. as horrible as that sounds, the way i feel sometimes is just unbearable. but i have you, and you pull me up and make me feel alive. you are the only person who has ever made me doubt being an atheist. because in every other way a godless world makes perfect sense, until i think of you. i honestly feel like if there is a god, he gave you to me to save my life.
you make me want to wake up every morning. you make me want to keep breathing in and out.
everything i am, i owe to you.
without you i'm nothing. with you i'm everything.
you complete me baby.
i love you so much. i hope i can make you feel loved and happy. please never doubt the strength of my love for you. until i am in your arms i just ask you to have faith in me, and i'll have faith in you. this next year will be the hardest of my life, because being apart from you feels like a physical pain in my gut. but it WILL be worth it.
love like ours can survive long distance. i have no doubt that love like ours can survive death.
in every way that matters jesse, i feel like i'm already your wifey,
i will never stop loving you.
yours always,
B
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sunday, 19 September 2010
people, as a rule, are a disappointment.
they look but they do not see.
they take but they do not give.
they answer but they do not question.
pathetic. the gormless looks on their subservient faces.
newborn babies that have not yet taken their first breath.
i want to smack life into them.
ignorance isn't a reality, it's a choice.
they look but they do not see.
they take but they do not give.
they answer but they do not question.
pathetic. the gormless looks on their subservient faces.
newborn babies that have not yet taken their first breath.
i want to smack life into them.
ignorance isn't a reality, it's a choice.
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