its funny as how i wade through life, i already feel like a statistic. i wonder if people just 'know' inside of themselves that they are a suicide waiting to happen.

i am hiroshima.
i am nagasaki.
i am vesuvius.

You might imagine that a person would resort to self-mutilation only under extremes of duress, but once I'd crossed that line the first time, taken that fateful step off the precipice, then almost any reason was a good enough reason, almost any provocation enough. Cutting was my all-purpose solution. My scars ought to be a charm bracelet of memonics, each a permanent reminder of its precipitating event, but maybe the most disturbing thing I can say about the history of my cutting is that for the most part I can't even remember the when’s and the whys behind those wounds. It didn't take much to make me cut. Frustration, humiliation, insecurity, guilt, remorse, loneliness... I cut 'em all out. They were like a poison, caustic and destructive, as though lye had been siphoned into my veins. The only way I could survive them, I thought, was to keep draining them from my blood.

How many cuts could I count? How many could I place in time and context? I had to admit that I couldn't remember the occasion of almost any of them, their catalysts, whether epic or mundane, completely obscured by time. So many moments of supposedly unendurable pain, now utterly forgotten. u start to think, Maybe I don't need this anymore. Maybe I never did I was trying to get equilibrium from two extremes: either I was so upset that I had to cut myself to relieve it, or I was so numb that I had to cut myself to get back to being there.

I take the blade and run it gently against my skin, it cuts in deeper and deeper, the blood bursts out and slowly runs down my arm then it stops and the pain goes away. Cutting doesn't solve anything or take the pain away, but for those few seconds everything is okay...

-------

Do you ever lay in bed at night hoping you wake up in the emergency room and hear the words "shes not going to make it?"

me: 8 days ago you were my friend, now you're my everything

you: you ahave always been my everything. for months i thought you were amazingly perfect. the only person for me. and now i have you. alive again


cant stop smilingggg!

spring

i feel like i've endured the longest winter of my life. days, weeks, months, of impenetrable darkness that has shrouded my vision and left me broken, cold and close to death. there was no reason to wake up the next day, because the next day would be like the one before. painful. dark. sad.

this morning i felt like it was the first day of spring, it was still cold and dark, but there was a smell of hope in the air. a promise of something better. i feeling that something amazing was about to happen before me eyes. that the garden of my life which was so dead and bear would start to blossom and grow.

you are incredible.

out of all the people i have met, i feel me and you have endured the most pain and sadness. for so logn i wanted to comfort you, to make it better. it hurt my heart that i could only be your friend for so long. it was like we were both broken, and all our pieces were smashed across the floor, but now we're helping to put each other back together again.

you are so warm, you are so giving, you give me everything you have and expect nothing back. you know im broken, and cold, and cynical but instead of giving up on me you try to nurture me, and make me better.

i feel so lucky to have you in my life.
i want to come back from hell with you, hand in hand, and one day i want to walk into the sun. no more darkness, no more rain. an eternal summer of love and happiness.

i hope i can make you happy. because without you i wouldn't have picked myself up off the floor.

thank you, for everything you are.

my american boy

its hard giving everything to the one that never wanted it.

it's easy to love you. you love me with everything you've got. you give me everything i need. when i come to you bleeding and broken you clean me up, make me laugh, make me smile, make me whole again.

i will never give up. i will get better, one day i will have something to give back. one day my cuts will heal and i'll be flawless again. when that day comes then i will give you my everything. no-one deserves it more.

thank you for breathing for me when i find it too hard to breathe for myself.
thank you for giving me a reason to live.
thank you for giving me hope.

i will always be undeserving of you. but i will try to be the best person i can be for you. you deserve no less.

thank you for seeing this imperfect person perfectly.
thank you for being you.
ily papi x

life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile.

none should blame you for walking out early.

when life gets impossible they say its time to turn to your hero's. pity all mine are dead.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my eyes and all is born again.Sylvia Plath

I talk to God but the sky is empty.Sylvia Plath

Kiss me and you will see how important I am.Sylvia Plath

You don't even have to hate to have a perfectly miserable time.Elizabeth Wurtzel

If you die you're completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got.Kurt Cobain

I'm not a woman. I'm a force of nature.Courtney Love

When things get too heavy, just call me helium, the lightest known gas to man.Jimi Hendrix

Don't pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches.Andy Warhol

Don't write so that you can be understood, write so that you can't be misunderstood.William Howard Taft

i wonder if i am consciously writing this or if it a product of my delerium. at what point does your brain stop working and your thoughts come straight from your soul onto the page?

sat here listening to one song on repeat. it would have sent me into a downward spiral, but at rock bottom there is nowhere else to go. ive crashed so far down im at the centre of the earth, smashed and scattered like a meteoride. buring in temperatures so hot they will change the essence of me and mark me forever.

i wish i was a better person and that zero was just a number for me rather than a way of life.

zero

i feel stretched, butter that's been spread over too much bread. i dont taste like butter anymore, i taste of bread, i taste of scone, i taste of whatever i am melded to at that moment. but i do not have a taste of my own. i have no identity, except that of which i am attatched to. no-one likes butter on its own, but toast and scones have their own flavour and are just as good without me.

lots of people give up butter. its healthier without me. and they don't miss me. they realise that life without me can be just as fulfilling as life with me.

everyone knows that too much butter is bad for you. so everyone cuts down on the butter and goes for a healthier option, like margerine.

the butter stays in the tub. its cold in the fridge. i don't melt. i dont deteriorate. i just am. but without the scone or the bread i am nothing.

one day you see me at the back of the fridge. the light blinds my eyes. for those first few seconds i'm hopeful.

you reach in, touch me, consider me.....then you see the jam, take it, and shut the door.

no-one likes butter anymore. i'm outdated, irrelevant and waiting for someone to throw me in the bin.

hiding in my room, safe within my womb,
i touch no one and no one touches me.
i am a rock,
i am an island.
and a rock feels no pain;
and an island never cries.

my box is full, those msgs that i never want to forget

- Previous Private Message --
Sent by : puertoRICAN
Sent : 07 Aug 2010 at 9:38pm

:D i make me so happy, just the thought of you being happy with me makes me shake, cuz i could not ask for NEthing more, i have done what i wanted.

i have felt this way so much, like i said, im stupid for dragging it along, but you just mean to much to me.

id rather know you, and live in hell for a year then get rejected and loose someone who means the world to me. i wish i was not so scared. :/

its ok, i have you no and i never intend to let go. your mine, and will always be mine, for as long as we live! XD

Really sucks that people had to get hurt in order for this to happen, but i did not intend it to be that way, and really wish i could have made it diff. :/
i never want you to stop with the jokes, its what you do and i LOVE everything you do. the more corny you are, the more i want to hold you and make you happy.

hahaha!! its okay, i am a giver and i will ive all i got to you baby! im just not sure it will be Enuff but you will get me caught up to speed in no time! <3>

Yea, i will send ya me and foxys PMS when i send it to her, waiting for her to get on! lol, like we both lied so it looks so bad!! DX she will be confused as fu*k!!

WULPH IS ON!!!! >.<>

fu-k if the world ended, i would destroy the earth if it meant i can be with you for ever and alone! :) your the only person i can see myself with, pure perfection!
Do not get me started on voices, yours makes me melt... Which is why i didnt use my mic a while aho, your just made me sooo effing happy, i would not contain myself in front of dro and everybody! <3

i love you more then NEthing in the world baby!

Previous Private Message --
Sent by : puertoRICAN
Sent : 08 Aug 2010 at 9:23am

well i went to bead at around 4 and woke up at 8.30, not bad. And i was right, i can not remember what i dreamed about. Now that i have you there is no goal, there is nothing i want or need, you have taken over my life and i could not be happier. <3
I never thought the day would come where i told you how i felt, and even more so, you would feel the same. talk about a double win! i am by far the luckiest guy i know, even to have u for a day say u love me makes me smile, the thought of us growing what we already have into a even more beautiful future, really brings a smile to my face! :) Better then a gang bang? ill take it! as long as u are cool with being my aids! <3

I mean, i have loved u damn near since the 1st time i heard you, it has only grown from there. it made me feel good to try and cheer you up every time u were down, as if it were my responsibility, I have always tried to help and protect you from getting hurt baby, and i will continue to try and protect you for as long as i live, something as great as you should be happy all day, and i intend on making it happen so long as you let me.
Thats a reason i have always felt you belonged with me. Every time you told me a story about the past that was ether a good time or bad, it as if i lived the same thing, and at times was there with you it was so similar. We both want a lot of the same things in the future, and i hope we can both get them, not by ourselves, but 2gether. You are my every thing, you have been for a while. The fact that you now know still drives me wild! i feel like we are more then just meant to be, i think u were made for me, for me to enjoy every last detail about you, i love you bev, with all my heart!

Soon Enuff, i will be able to hold you and make sure u never get hurt again, kiss you and say every thing will be fine, and i won't be lying. So long as i am with you, i promise to try and keep you as happy as possible and if your ever down , show you what you mean to me and cheer you up! The Day i wrap my arms around you, kiss you and say to your face how much you mean to me, is the day i could die, because i will have lived out my dreams! Every song i listen to, just about brings me to you. i can find one of your many details somewhere in NE song, and it makes me happy. the most perfect girl in the world, loves me. WHAT A FU*KING DAY!

agony and ecstacy.

i wish i knew what average was. i know its somewhere to be found between agony and ecstacy, but i'm closer to finding camelot than mediocrity.

i feel too much. always. i love with the depths of my fucking soul. i hurt with an intensity that can be felt by every nerve in my body.

i know no middle ground.

esctatic.
suicidal.
angry.
loved.
heartbroken.

these are my only emotions.

there is no fine.

the closest i come to being fine is when im too exhasted to feel anymore.

i dont want to always be teatering on the edge of the cliff. i either want to jump or back the hell up and never look back.

why do i feel like even in my happiest moments that there is some deep inpenetrable sadness in my soul. why is there never JUST happiness.. why is there always a "but"?

how is it possible for someone to love me so much it makes me cry with the pure conviction of it and the joy it brings me. but 2 hours later i feel like cutting my arms just to see the blood. because i deserve to hurt.

i'm broken, and i really dont want to be broken anymore, i want to be fixed.

i never want to be average. so i dont care if i ever find it. but i want the ecstacy WITHOUT the agony. the joy without the pain. the love without the hate. the smiles without the tears.

i'm sorry.

i will never forget you, the memories we shared or the joy you brought to my life. this is just the end of the first chapter of thomas and bev. chapter 2 gets better, i promise :)

i will ALWAYS love you, never doubt it.
xxx

i freeze before the keyboard. i can't think of a damn thing to say. no poems, no prose, no words. the pain cannot even be alchemized into art, into words, into something you can chalk up to an interesting experience because the pain itself, its intensity, is so great that it has woven itself into my system so deeply that there is no way to objectify it or push it outside or find its beauty within.

i realise now that homesickness is just a state of mind for me. i'm always missing someone or someplace or something. i'm always trying to get back to some imaginery somewhere. my life has been one long longing. all I can remember are goodbyes. sometimes someone will be standing in front of me, and I already feel them walking away.

don't leave me tonight.

my broken heart

being broken hearted is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. when your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more.
it is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace.

WE GOT BACK TOGETHER!!!

xXLuc1FeRx 3:06 am
baby, you're not hardly anything. you're thomas, my thomas. you're the reason i'm still alive. you're the only person in 6 billion that i want to spend my life with. idc if you want to climb everest or go to the moon, thats about what you want to DO, not what you are. i guess i want to help you see how beautiful you really are. how when you laugh in a way thats so fn geeky its the best sound i've heard in my life. i know i love you, because you can hurt me so badly, but when you do, all i think about are the times you've made me smile. you dont have to take risks for me, you dont have to be someone you are not. all i ask is that you love me, that you'll give me your heart and not look back. i know i'm not perfect and i don't deserve anyone to love me as much as you do. when i look back at my life, all the happiest times have been with you. i know i havent met you yet. but i know your soul, or at least i think i do. i'm sat here cryign my eyes out, not because im sad, but because i realise how much i fn love you. and i realise how scared i am. because nothing in mmy life ever lasts. every time i open my heart to something and dream it crumbles and breaks and leaves me close to death. i know you cant say this will work. i can't either. i just, want you to love me and never doubt it. for me true love doesn't just fill your heart, it overflows into your whole body and soul. i could never doubt you. even for an instant. and the fact that you doubted you loved me broke my heart. i know its only a little thing and maybe i'm too fragile. but the one thing i have in my life that i knew was certain, in a whole world of uncertainties was torn from under me.
drokun@live.nl 3:08 am
i love you.
i dont know why id ever doubt that
i try to give you all that i am
ive never come across as confident
ive always been the one doubting
incapable of making decisions
but i made a decision
and i know its the right one
i love you
i really
really
really
dont want you
to ever
doubt that again
xXLuc1FeRx 3:11 am
then can i be your princess?
drokun@live.nl 3:11 am
ill make you my goddes

if you ever doubt me

read this. there are all quotes about love that rung so true to me that i saved them in a word document on my PC and called it "iwillalwaysloveyou": <3 Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each one with a reason why I love you. I was doing great until I ran out of stars. <3 True love is not how you forgive, but how you forget, not what you see but what you feel, not how you listen but how you understand, and not how you let go but how you hold on. <3 You are my soul mate, my sweetheart, you are my dream come true, from now until the end of time I give my heart and soul to you. <3 True love is not being with someone because you think you can be happy with that person, but because without that person you know you can never be. <3 If you love someone, let them go. If they dont come back they were never yours...if they come back, there yours to keep. <3 If the sky where made of paper and the ocean my ink well; I still wouldn't be able to describe how much I love you, and how wonderful you make me feel when I am with you. <3 To live life without you is to live life without love. <3 True love does not worry about the distance between, for the heart and soul travels through one's words. <3 true love is when you can read every single one of these quotes and only think of one person <3 Love is true when there aren't words to describe how you feel and actions never seem to be enough. <3 True love knows no boundaries. It is the people involved who create them. <3 there's only one place in the world I call home, and it's because you're there. <3 If you were to measure the fire of our love it would put hell to shame. <3 Because I love you my nights are no longer dark. ------------------------------------------------------ i dont care if i love you more. from now on you get my everything. if this doesnt work it will break my heart because i love you so much. but you're worth the risk, and if im not with you then i don't need a heart anyway, so i dont care if it gets broken. i love you so much that if i had only one wish for you, it would be for you to someday be able to love someone as much as i have always loved you. true love is being scared and doing it anyway. not caring if you get anything back for what you've given. just knowing that you smiled when you read this, makes everything worthwhile. until i met you i thought that the best ending a love story can have was "happy ever after" now i realise that true love doesn't have an ending. tonight i realised that i don't want to be anyone else, because you only love me.

Imagine:

i stand on top of the highest cliff.
feel the wind tearing at my clothes, the elements.
the only truth left in a world of lies and hypocrisy.
the beauty of the abyss.
the anticipation, like imagining the greatest sex, an existential foreplay.
looking down into oblivion, the void.
the ground far, far away as it seems from here, but in reality only a couple of seconds away.
standing there.
feeling eternity in a restricted world.
feeling a decision in a prefabricated existence.

to draw the final breath,
to make that little step,
to know, that for once a decision was made,
to feel one foot above the abyss,
to think for a split second you can float in the air,
to feel losing balance,
to fall,
to gain speed,
to have the air tear at your hair and clothes,
to feel the cold wind violently caress you,
to see the ground coming closer,
to scream in orgiastic excitement,
to know what you have done,
to know that you have done something for once.

maybe even: to doubt,
to regret,
to wish yourself back to the top of the peak that you are pacing away from.
mercilessly
to fly into annihilation,
to see the truth, whether it is a beautiful or an unbearable truth for the fraction of a second only.

those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be much more revealing than the whole life of most other people. more true, essential, focused, divine. purer. 70 years forced into seconds. refined into pure knowledge and truth.

those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be worth a lifetime.

a worthy payment for endless agony

no more endless, unbearable pain.
no more routine.
no more repetition.
no more

-- Peace.

what do you write when you lost the last thing you wanted to live for and all that's left are the things to die for?

how do you fix what has always been broken? how do you put back together something when you never knew how it was meant to look like in the first place? you can try and fix it, but it will always be rough around the edges, and misplaced, too raw, different to the rest.

the pain of having a broken heart is not so much as to kill you, yet not so little as to let you live.