My best friend

Here's to the one person on earth with whom I feel safe.

The more we love our friends, the less we flatter them. So I find myself never saying anything nice to him, not because he doesn't deserve it, but because a friend is a single soul dwelling in two bodies. Everything I say he knows anyway.

In a lot of ways I think that friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art … It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that gives value to survival.


We need to build our friendships on truth and wholeness and expansiveness. We need friends who can be with us in our loneliness, not people who will cheer us up so that we don’t feel it. We need friends who get furious with us when we are not being real or true to ourselves, not when we don’t do what they want us to do.

Will you be my friend, my friend of friends, beyond every one, everything, forever and forever?

It’s always thought of as a failure in life if a woman doesn’t have a man. But you will never know if you love someone if you are so needy for something that your thinking is clouded. True love comes only when you are able to stand on your own feet. And then somebody comes along and he inspires you, and he actually motivates you to keep growing. He’s secure and self-sufficient, and then you have space to discover who you are, and not live your life through your lover’s eyes. There are so many people who feel like they can only experience life through someone else’s eyes, like they’re nothing without a man. That isn’t right.

i added nothing to your life you said.

maybe you didn't mean it. but its out their. forever etched in my mind, like a knife through skin. the skin will grow back, but there will always be a scar. 

You know that things aren’t going well for you when you can’t even tell people the simplest fact about your life, just because they’ll presume you’re asking them to feel sorry for you. I suppose it’s why you feel so far away from everyone, in the end; anything you can think of to tell them just ends up making them feel terrible.

I wasn’t trying to die; I just wanted to cut through the fog.

He burns me
like the Great Fire digesting London,
houses sliding into one another,
ash wafting toward the river;
like witches writhing on the stake,
looking eastward, their eyes searching
the caterwauling ocean.
if he only knew
if he only knew
if he only knew

smile.
even though your heart is breaking.

It is a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I know my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasp for air and my head spins like my efforts yield me nothing. My heart must be beating, too, but I can't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands feel blue with cold. I curl inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scramble for my numbness, my denial, but it evades me.

       And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain—the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt though my limbs and head—but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn’t feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I’d grown strong enough to bear it.
I wonder how long this can last. Maybe someday, years from now—if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it—I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best in my life. And, if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow me to do that, I was sure that I would feel grateful for as much time as he’d given me. More than I’d asked for, more than I’d deserved. Maybe someday I’d be able to see it that way.

      But what if this hole never got any better? If the raw edges never healed? If the damage was permanent and irreversible?

I was like a lost moon—my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation—that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.

scientists say the big bang happened 13.7 billion years ago and since then the universe has been expanding at an ever faster and faster rate. 

galaxies are becoming further and further apart as they pull away from each other, so are the stars, and one day, the night sky that is now so beautiful and full of light will not have a single star.

i am earth in 10 billion years time. the light from the last star has gone out. all i see is darkness. as i look at the sky and even my dreams are empty. ripped from me. 

they say you should wish upon a star, but they never tell you what to do when there are no stars left.

promises are hard to keep.

i willnot cut myself
i will not cut myself
i will not cut myself
i will not cut myself
i will not cut myself
i will not cut myself
i will not cut myself
i will notcut myself
i will not cut myself
i will not xut myself.
i need to release this stress and i dont know how.
its like a valve that needs to let go.
i cant keep the pressure inside my head.
i cant do this anymore
the thoughts hurt me
like razor blades
all alone now
all alone
quiet
stop screaming
quiet
shut the fuck up
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i need you
i need the razor blade like i need love.
i need to feeel the cleanliness of it across my skin.
purging theinside of me.
leave me behind
i am not me
i am not this body
i am not this life
i am a fucking butterfly
trapped inside an ignorant fool.

i am anthrax.
i am rohypnol.
i am death.
i am the girl who kept the promise.
but i'm the girl who's losing my mind again.

When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream.
~ John Lennon

my sweet prince..

my love for you is madness. it envelopes me. i have never felt like this before. and i know you feel it too.

you were worth it. everything. all the mistakes, all the heartaches. you were worth going through all that for.

you're worth waking up for. you're worth working 10/12hr days for. you're worth moving half way around the world.

you're worth me. you're worth my world. 

i love you so much that it makes the i love you's i said before meaningless. we are untouchable.

my sweet prince, you are the one xxx

threesome *warning explicit content* - chapter 1

you get home from work early and walk up the stairs to find me laid on the bed in a tight black corset and frilly black panties that are stretched tightly around my ass. you can see through the doorway that i'm not alone. you hear moans of pleasure, it's obvious another woman is in the room with me. we've talked about the idea of a threesome for a while but you didn't think i'd actually take it past the fantasy and do it. we were waiting to surprise you when you got in from work but got a little carried away, i love the touch of her soft body... i've known about my bisexuality for a while, but i've never really acted upon it, until now. 

it all started with a kiss, we felt the stickiness of our lip glosses collide and could taste each other well before me locked tongues. you open the door then and see her, a pretty blonde with a mischievous look on her face. her legs are spread on the bed and from where you're sat you have a clear view up her long tanned legs to her pussy which glistens with moistness. she's clearly dripping with anticipation of the night to come. 

we see you then, my face lights up like it always does when you come home. you see that devilish look in my eye as i open up a bag of sex toys that is laying at the side of the bed and take a thin pink vibrator out and turn it on. i get on my knees on the bed, sluttily spreading my legs for you. i reach around my panties to pull them to the side and plunge the vibrator inside me, letting out a moan. you can see the pleasure on my face. i take the vibrator out, its so moist now, no lube necessary, and i plunge it into the sexy blonde whilst at the same time kissing her and reaching into her bra to rub her nipples. 

i havent forgot you though. i always give you a kiss when you get in from work, tonight will just be a little different. with a moan from her i pull out the dripping dildo and greedily start sucking it, making sure  i lick every last drop clean off the plastic. she tastes so sweet, or maybe that was me, our wetness has blended together on my tongue. you're already hard by this point, i can see your jeans straining against the swelling of your huge cock.  flirtatiously i climb off the bed and walk towards you, cheekily adjusting my panties back into position so you can't see my lips. as i come closer to you you meet me halfway and i kiss you, passionately, you rape my tongue in your mouth, savouring every drop as you suck clean our juices from my mouth.  

whilst we're kissing i work my hands down your body from lovingly playing with your hair, to feeling your smooth chest, to unfastening your pants. i reach inside your boxers. you're so fucking huge i can't control myself, i have to put my hand around you, gently i feel your girth and a naughty look crosses my face, i know you'll be stretching my tight pussy so much tonight, i moan in anticipation.

the blonde wants to hold your cock too, but i won't let her, you're my man. the thought of another woman touching what's mine makes me jealous as hell. you look pleadingly at me, i can see you want to taste her. she looks to edible laid on the bed with that glistening moist pussy. you can see the disapproving look in my eyes, and i tell you "no". you dont like being told no. you want to put me back in my place so you grab me by the arm suddenly and tightly. it hurts me and i whimper a bit in pain. 

you forcefully push me towards the wall, violently ripping my panties from under me and setting my tits free from the corset that was confining them. you snarl at me "no slut tells me what to do" and you throw me at the wall, banging my head on the plaster and catching my arm on a loose nail in the wall which draws blood. i love it rough, and seductively i lick the blood off my arm. this drives you crazy, you take it as an act of disobedience. forcefully you spread my legs, i'm protesting by now, telling you to stop, but it only spurs you on. you reach inside my tight pussy with 3 fingers and feel how wet i am. you're not gentle and it hurts. you take your dripping fingers out and summon to the blonde to lick them clean. shes a good slut, she doesnt protest. she looks at me bitchily, happy she can please you in some way i can't. it makes me want to tear her hair out. i give her a look of daggers. you catch this and slap me across the face with the same hand she was just licking clean. 

you've decided by now that you need to teach me a lesson.  you liftme up hard against the wall, sinking your hands into my fleshy tits, making me scream, then you force my legs apart yet again and pound your cock inside me with such a fury its hard for me to gather breath. i scream louder, and more violently, but you keep pounding, every thrust forcing my hips into the wall and jarring my body with pain. your cock is so huge inside me it feels as if i've been ripped in two. 

you pull out then, and don't even catch me as i drop to the floor like a used rag doll, a washed up slut who's purpose is fulfilled. you dont look back at me, you've taught me a lesson, and you move onto the blonde, she's been a good girl, you'll be a lot more gentle and giving with her........

disposable.
from your white board life.
erase me.

Sometimes, I get so consumed by depression that it is hard to believe that the whole world doesn't stop and suffer with me.

Told I talked too much
made too much noise

I took up a silent hobby
Bleeding.

it's funny, how someone who is exhausted can simultaneously lust after sleep and also detest it.

night - a brief time, to escape from the thoughts. yet so vulgar and cold are the dreams that haunt my nights.

peace and war. every night. my dreams as bipolar as me.

nothing is harmonious. my cells even split too fast.

one big schism.
one big contradiction.
one big mistake.

Let us be like
Two falling stars in the day sky.

Let no one know of our sublime beauty
As we hold hands
And burn

Into a sacred existence that defies
That surpasses

Every description of ecstasy
And love.

A thousand times I’ve
traced your name on my skin, on
damp windows, summoned.

His voice touches places inside me like someone moving through a house, flicking light switches. ... And even if it was dark and there was shellfire or an arctic gale blowing, I’d still be able to understand him, because our thoughts nestle against each other, like pigeons on a wire....