i feel all out of wack, like my internal clock gave up the ghost and is sat their twitching like a dead rat waiting for a battery change. it's 3.45am, and i've slept from 6pm till 2am, missing swimming, planned night of TV with my mum and the chance to talk to K that i'd been waiting for all day.


the thing is, and i've thought long and hard about it. i don't actually want a boyfriend, or at least to say - i don't want K. my friends tell me that i should meet him and see what he's like in person, but mentally i know i'm not ready. i'm still in lust with C. i'm enjoying the head games we play with each other. it's like playing cat and mouse with something neither of us can have. we couldn't work as a couple, this much is obvious to us both, but the hopeless futility of it makes the chase more appealing.


i hope he will kiss me and see how important i am.