i used to be a lot of trouble, a serious "problem child". i had problems because i was both ignorant and passionate. i was on fire and i let it show, and during the periods of my worst excesses, i used to say to myself, take it all the way, take it too far. if you push yourself over the edge, things will turn out alright.

i might be doing something like burshing my teeth and suddenly feel asthough i just wanted to die right then, and then, as if my life depended on it, i would try to get in touch with all my friends from my past. i often focussed a lot of my energy on planning my death, but i always concluded the desire to die was just an urge like any other. like a common cold, it would come and go.

what would happen to my parents if i died? whenever i thoguht abotu this, i abandoned my plans. in the past i'd never so much as considered other peoples feelings. love is something that has to be learned.

i am someone who sees herself as a problem. for me writing is a method of transforming corruption and decay into something wonderful and miraculous. i used to be the sort of person who was always on the look out for excitement and novelty, but now i've somewhat come to sense that if any marvels are going to appear in my life, they will undoubtedly spring from the act of writing. actually, the prospect of marvels doesnt really excite me anymore. i feel that writing is the only thing that has meaning for me ( lately ive been playing that depressing game of "what is the meaning of life?" yet again).