i still love you.


urgh, i had to say it somewhere, and i CAN'T say it to you. 


stupid, stupid girl.

I hope i'm your favourite mistake, because you're the only thing that ever went right for me. 

i wonder if insanity is realising that you gave away the one thing you always wanted. the one thing that you cannot live without. well, you can live without it if you try, you can struggle on, but like the philosophers stone, without it, everything is finite. you crave it. but if you gave it away in the first place, do you really have a claim on it? can you ask for it back? do you even deserve a second chance?


no, of course you don't. so don't even think these silly selfish thoughts. don't dare to dream. 
stop.


do NOT let your mind go down that path.


some things are worth more than me. you are one of them. better to love you from afar than hurt you again. because that is something i will never do. 


i hate these dangerous thoughts, and i don't know where they come from. they are not thoughts that dwell in my mind, but thoughts from my heart. and those are the most dangerous kind, because they will not listen to reason. they will not listen to me screaming NO NO NO. i know i cannot love you as you deserve, only with all my diminished ability, so i will not think it. i will not dare to hope it. i will not let myself entertain this madness. because it is, madness. and you deserve the bright glory of the sun, when all i can offer you is the moon.


blinded by you. my light belongs to you. i have nothing to offer except a pale reflection of love.


i am not worthy.

i think sometimes realising you are unworthy isn't so much self-doubt as selflessness.

Love hurts. I say that because I know. Love is... or was amazing. It's an incredible feeling to know what he's going to say. It's more incredible the way he has me on the edge of my seat because he's so completely random, I never know what's coming next. It's hard to explain, but he filled some void in me, and now, without him, I'm missing something again. I wonder if it will ever truly, whole heartedly be filled again. I just don't want to know what it's like to hurt any more...